Beautiful Mess

The other night I went to bed exhausted a bit early for our household, especially for a Wednesday. With church, we never seem to eat dinner until after we arrive home, which is around "universal bedtime" for little ones.

That alone could send me tossing and turning, but for whatever reason I had a slew of issues that kept me from sleeping.  Restless legs, eyes wide open, even if tired, a random allergy attack, and tummy troubles shot me out of bed after midnight.

Normally, the minute I realize that sleep isn't going to come, I'll get up.  That night I wrestled with it for hours.  Sometimes the alone time is welcomed, a rare treat as a Mom.  Yet because I was already tired, this gal wasn't very grateful as I stumbled in dark to find my spot.

Not sure if I wanted to watch tv or read, I browsed online for a few minutes and realized it was prime viewing time for the meteor shower.  A few of my friends were already commenting about how beautiful and amazing it was on Facebook.

Stepping outside on my back deck, I expected to see a brilliant display.  Instead what was received was dizziness from having my head up and spinning in a circle in the dark.  Hmmm...

Back inside, I googled for the best direction to view the show.  Northeast.  Out in the dark I go, internal GPS positioned best I could gauge and - nothing.

Huffing this time, I stomp around, grumbling about being up at this hour and still not benefiting from it, I ask my sleeping husband for directions.  Of course in his slumber, he sends me the exact opposite direction.  Though I may not be keen on compass skills, I knew without a doubt he was sending me the wrong way.

Grabbing my phone and a blanket I trod out determined to catch a glimpse of something.  Anything.  To be fair, my other trips had been very impatient and short-lived.  I wanted results without doing any work to get there.  Lord, help me...

Turning on some inspirational music, blanket snuggled, I was ready.  While waiting, I decided that a good use of my time would be spend it in prayer.

Sometimes the best conversations I have with God are at 2:00 in the morning.

What I learned a long time ago, is that you don't always have to be knees-bent to pray.  He tells us to do so continually, without ceasing, so that means anywhere and everywhere.  So with worship music going in the background, under a canvas of twinkling stars, I lift my prayers up to One responsible for my view.

And then He responds.

In a brilliant streak across the sky, I finally see what I've been waiting for!  They happen so quickly that if I were not looking, the opportunity would've been missed.  Tears streaming I wonder how often that happens in my life.

How impatient I am to want things on my time, my way.  How many times have I overlooked what God had in store for me in the moment because I was wishing it away on something ahead?

An hour and a half later, I force myself inside, realizing some sleep might be appropriate given the work day I'm facing.  Obviously it was a lengthy day, given it's taken me two days to finish this post.

Today, He hits me when another morsel when I confirmed what a meteor specifically was.  The definition made the night's viewing have even more of impact.

It's just trash.  

Debris in the sky.  Dust and rocks.  Something we'd normally discard or pay no attention to, yet God makes it amazing.

Oh, how I love His whispers to my soul.

Quit worrying.  

Give it to me.  

I'll take your mess and create something beautiful.  

Just wait....you'll see.

Ready to ROAR: Eyes of a Lion

Even though I'm a child loss mom and write about the experience often, picking up a book about that topic isn't something I regularly do.

In the beginning, I sought those stories out and needed to read about others' experiences.  Then it just became too painful.  For awhile there was enough grief in my own home, I didn't want to see or hear about anyone else.

As I began blogging more and connecting with others, I found that my stories sometimes helped even those who've never faced child loss.  Survivorship from any traumatic event connects us to hope, inspires us, and lets us see how others have faced life events with grace, love and joy, despite the pain.

Several weeks back a random email appeared in my inbox with the invitation to receive an advanced copy of the new book, "Through the Eyes of a Lion" by Levi Lusko.  Of course, I welcomed the opportunity.  What I found was anything but random.  God had a message for me in the print and I know He has one for you as well.

Though the book opens to the heartbreak of loss, 
you close it ignited with mission and purpose. 

As a child loss mom, there were many points I connected with but the lens through which Lusko writes is beautiful and powerful.  Just as this blog isn't only about child loss, but rather life after, #EyesofaLion takes you on a journey and leaves you filled with a desire to stop what you're doing and run toward the roar.

I easily could've read the book in one setting but I purposefully paused to soak up the message and highlight sections which spoke to me.  The once pristine copy is now dogeared and colored, telltale sings of a good read.  It isn't a book to put on a shelf but rather one that can be turned to time and again for inspiration.

"The more passionate you are about setting your soul to Heaven's time zone, 

the more progress you will make in your calling here on earth." -Lusko

In losing Austin, we often yearn for Heaven and the chance to be reunited.  Having him there set our family's course to stay on the right path but Lusko reminds us how it shouldn't be just about waiting to get there.  Our reason for being is about what we do while here!

My life has been somewhat in limbo lately.  Torn between where exactly God wants to use me next, I've let fear slow and alter my decisions.  But as Levi shouts, "God isn't scared of what you're scared of!"

I'm grateful God sent me this book.  His timing is always perfect.  My prayer is that you'll also connect with the message He has for you inside.

photo taken in front of Austin's memorial tree