When December is Hard

Maybe you've faced the start of Advent with more of a feeling of hopelessness than hopefulness.
Perhaps the joy of the season just feels a little too overwhelming.  And the smiles, scents, and sounds of the holidays are more than you can muster.

It's ok.  I have been there, friend.

Sometimes, like a few days ago, I am there still.

We "made it through" the 29th better than I expected.  When Sunday came and the fog rolled in, it actually took me by surprise.  Joy was nowhere to be found and it took everything I had in me just to get to church.

Sometimes grief hits us like that.  One step forward...twelve steps back.

I expected it to come on the anniversary of our loss, but it didn't.  In fact, it was a beautiful day filled with family and giving back, of remembering him.  There were many signs from Austin letting us know he was there, which was a comfort, as well as the prayers and texts sent from those who haven't forgotten.

When night came, there was a peace that surrounded us and we went to sleep without the horrible flashbacks and painful memories.  Tim even grabbed my hand before we drifted off and said,
"It's been a good day."

Six years of healing will do that, or so I thought.

When morning dawned, it was the only brightness to be found.  There was a hurt I could not shake. Tears kept welling up in my eyes, for no reason other than to blind and sting.   Instead of the message bringing me comfort at church, it brought more pain, as our pastor shared a message of hope.  Of miracles and prayers of healing.

For a mother who prayed fervently for her son to survive one November night, it was difficult to hear.  Not this weekend.  Not now...

Evil hissed in my ear and brought back the flashes of my son that didn't come back.  Evil told me my prayer wasn't heard.

Though we had family activities and busyness the rest of day, the heavy coat of grief would not let go.  It made the process of putting up the Christmas tree, our final activity with Austin, even harder to bear.

The next two days played quite the same.  Murphy's law came for an unwelcome visit and lingered.  Monday night found me sobbing in the laundry room, after everyone had gone to bed.  Though it was hateful words said from an uncaring soul that broke my spirit, having an already broken heart allowed for the easy fall.  That night made up for Saturday's lack of tears, I guess - and then some.

This is how I welcomed December.  No tinsel and merriment, only heartache and grief.  And for a moment, I feared this is just how this month would be.  That this Christmas would somehow disappear into darkness.

But as God often does, He found ways to send me hope each day I found despair.  Sunday, a ding on my phone brought a hug to my heart, in an unexpected message from someone who found a RAK.  Their daughter holding a toy from the reverse shopping spree and filled with joy.  Monday random check-ins from family at just the needed moment and more messages of RAK recipients.  In all the years we've done the reverse shopping, we've never heard back from those who found them.  I guess God knew we needed it this year.

And Tuesday, exhausted and spent from the hours crying the night before, I entered the house to find a package on the doorstep.  Hand-addressed to me.  Priority packaging.  Whatever could it be?  Though the gift was visible, the card was the first thing I grabbed, although tears (happy now) soon made it impossible to read.

A friend, remembering Austin and knowing my love for butterflies, sent a beautiful afghan.  It arrived at the perfect moment.  I dropped everything, went to the couch, sat under the lights of the Christmas tree and wrapped myself in love.

This afternoon, home early, found me on repeat.  Sitting in the quiet of the living room, the soft glow of the season all around me, I realized joy had returned.

In truth, it never left because He never leaves us.  Grief can cast a shadow but The light will always find a way to overcome darkness.  And for that I will forever praise Him!

So, if you're facing loss this season, I'm lifting up a special prayer for you.  Whether it has been five minutes or fifteen years, I know grief knows no timeline.  There is no magic ending, no pill, or therapy, or neat little bow to wrap it up and put on a shelf.  If I've learned anything in this walk, is it to be gentle with yourself, to allow tears to fall when they come, and to let God hold you through the journey.  He will bring you to joy again.  I pray it finds you this Christmas.

360 Degrees of Grief Book Launch

Today is the day!  The beautiful compilation project I was asked to be a part of is now available.

360 Degrees of Grief is a Selah Press Anthology filled with stories, poetry and songs. Sixty-four authors contributed transparent stories written with open hearts reflecting hope to the reader. These authors have lived through the complete spectrum of life—from ecstatic joy to the darkest grief—and share the lessons they learned along the journey.

A piece of Austin's story and our journey is included in this book.  By purchasing the book with this link below, a small percentage of the proceeds comes back to our family.  Thank in advance!

It is a book about grief but blessings of hope comes from reading the stories shared.

Click icon below to purchase 360 degrees of grief:

Thankful Thursday

November is days away. Because it holds the anniversary of our son's death, it is a difficult month. Each day on the calendar, as well as the holiday, is a constant reminder of our loss. It's a bittersweet time, as we waiver between favorite memories with Austin, and the horror of those last moments. While a month that is full of sadness for us, it is also a time of Thanksgiving.

One of my favorite traditions from my Grandma Coons was to gather as a family on that holiday and share at least one thing for which we were thankful. Last year, focusing on "Thanksgiving" is how I chose to face each day. Knowing the day would be brimmed in tears, I needed to start my mornings reflecting on what I still had to be thankful for. No matter the heartache, there are still so many blessings in our lives.

Each morning, I began with an affirmation, a statement of what I was thankful for. It carried me through my day, reminding me of a positive during such a negative time. This year, I plan to take it a step further. For the month of November, my blog (and life) will be focused on "Thankfulness" and I'm challenging myself to write a post every day.

Since losing Austin, we've also started the tradition of "Random Acts of Kindness" on his angel-versary. You see, that's what Austin was all about. I have so many cards and letters from those who knew and loved him, sharing small and simple, but powerful, moments they remember and treasure him for. Austin's legacy will always be his warm smile, loving hugs, and helping hands. Because November 29th is such a tragic reminder for us, it is how we've chosen to get through it. Helping strangers has lifted our broken spirits.

Last year, I asked others to join in his memory and I plan to do the same closer to the date. So many messages of support and sharing their acts came through via email and on his Facebook page, Remembering Austin. Each time a wave of grief would overcome me, a message of hope would arrive and hold me. It was such a wonderful way to remember such a beautiful soul.

With each random act, it was as if Austin's spirit carried on and it blessed our family. Because of that, I've decided to dedicate this entire month to my precious boy and will be striving to perform random acts of kindness every single day. It's the only way I know to get through a seemingly impossible time. Each day, each thankful moment, every act of kindness, will be a tribute to Austin, the life he led, and the inspiration of hoping to be a fraction of who he was. I hope you'll join me...

"Never let loyalty and kindness leave you! Tie them around your neck as a reminder.

Write them deep within your heart." - Proverbs 3:3

Finding Joy

As 2010 winds to a close, I pause to think back over this year and I wonder what the next will hold.  I'm not one for looking too far into the future, as I know how quickly this life can leave us.  Instead, I face each day with the gift that it is and hope for the most out of it.  I try to live each day so that when I bow my head as I go to bed, I can present the gift back to God and hopefully show him something good that came from it.

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile,

but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."

Starting another year, also leads me to remember back to 2009, our first year without Austin.  Looking back through my notes, I read again what I wrote about it; and from the beginning, you can sense the worry and pain I feared would meet us that year.

I've never started a year with this much uncertainty, fear and sadness. To know that I'll face an entire year without my son by my side tears me to the core. The only thing that keeps me going is God, Noah, and honoring Austin's memory....Who knew life could change so fast? In an instant, my simple, ordinary, blessed life would turn upside-down.


Thinking back to that note, rekindles all those painful memories of those first few grief-stricken months but it also shows me how far we've come.  There were many points in 2009, and even days in 2010, that I've felt uncertain.  That I've feared for our family's wellness.  That I've been overcome with complete sadness.  But how true it was and has been that what kept me grounded first and foremost was God, helped along with a daily dose of Noah, and working to keep Austin's memory alive is how I find myself here, two years later.

I'm proud of where we are now, though far from the end of this grief journey, because I know that Austin would be proud - and is - of how we've coped.  I truly don't think this path ever ends though, when faced with child loss.  We just face life with a different perspective.  We look at mountains and know that no obstacle is greater than what we've already experienced.  We appreciate the simple, joyful moments of life for what they are.  We are grateful when joy greets us unexpectedly but we also seek it out, knowing those moments are what fills us and helps us face the next day. 

"What you thought before has led to every choice you have made,

and this adds up to you at this moment. If you want to change who you are

 physically, mentally, and spiritually, you will have to change what you think."

Wishes for a blessed New Year to each of you filled with God, family, and joy!