2016: Record Year?

2016 was supposed to be The Year of Blair's.

January seemed so promising.  A milestone year, as each of celebrated "big" birthdays.  My one word for 2016 was chosen - Forward - with hopes and dreams of a record year.

Well...it has left it's mark.

For Tim and me, milestone birthdays just meant a big reality check of aging.  More on that to come.  But for Noah, turning 16 has been filled with changes, opportunity and possibilities.  And for that, despite the hiccups that this year has brought, I'm thankful.

We've watched him hop from the nest and soar this year.  It's bittersweet as your child grows.  I'm proud of his independence but it isn't easy letting go.  As he's closer to an adult than a child now, I find myself mentally counting the days he's left to nestle under my wing.

In less than a year, he's become a licensed driver and been accepted to college.  How did that even happen?!  I'm thrilled he already knows what he wants to do with his life and is so passionate about his future.  For that, 2016 has most definitely been a record year for him.

Spring saw me with an extra bounce in my step, not just from the return of warmer weather but also because this 40 year old body moves much better without ice and snow.  I welcomed the season with a trip to the mountains with my momma and restoration within my soul.

By summer, with half the year gone, I found myself grabbing hold of joy.  Realizing that my focus was slipping, I pondered on what began this little blog and challenged myself to find joy every day.  And record each moment.  31 days of Joy.

Perhaps it was because God knew I needed to store it up for the season that was coming.

Tim welcomed 50 with a surprise retreat.  Though my dream was that somehow a free cruise or trip to the beach would have landed from the sky and whisked us away to celebrate, I was pretty proud with the mini vacation Noah and I pulled together.  It was relaxing and everything that Tim loves.

And it was the respite we needed to prepare us for the storms ahead.  Once Tim blew out that big 5-0 it was if someone flipped the switch on his health.  My rock began to crumble.  Without warning, we found ourselves in the ER for random pains and scares in October and health concerns would continue to be the theme for autumn.

As I write this post, he's off for the week recovering from a foot injury, though there wasn't an accident to cause it.  None of his ailments have been serious but they've been enough to shake us.  He's struggling with having to be still and not be the doer, providing for our family.  For me, it hurts to watch him hurting.  I'm worried about his current issues but also stewing on our future.  We're so not prepared for aging, or the potential of either of us not working.

It's enough to have me concerned about the forward that it pulled me from the bed at 2 a.m.  And I know that isn't at all the purpose God would have for me, when he sent that word twelve months ago.
Through 2016, He's helped me learn to let go.  Now I must lean in and trust Him for whatever is to come...

Breathe, Momma...Just Breathe

If you're a mom and you're stressed out....
funny, I couldn't even finish the sentence because of the irony that hit me.

It would probably be simpler to remove the word "and" because "Mom & Stress" seem to go together.  I know this because I am one, and my job is to visit with moms every single day, so I live and see lots of stress.

Not to say that everyone doesn't have some, we live in a hectic world, but most mommas tend to take on all the burdens of the family.  We're women and we worry, whether we want to or not.  And it doesn't matter what season you are in - from waiting to meet your bundle of joy, to chasing toddlers, to approaching an empty nest, we all have our own set of stressors.

I'm in the latter, so I'll tell those of you behind me in the mom line, it doesn't necessarily get any easier.  Just different.  You swap out sleepless nights from a crying baby to restless nights awaiting a teen driving home. Gone are the crazy, jam-packed weeks of homework and after school activities.  Now is learning to find new ways to spend your time, because your nearly grown child is working or out with friends.  For everything you are wishing away, you'll long for those days again.  Promise.

Truly, the stress I'm feeling lately has nothing to do with raising a teenager and everything to do with being a 40-something woman.  I think...

I'm blessed with a wonderful kid.  He still hugs us and says "Love you," no matter who is around. He's mature and wise beyond his age.  This school year, I've been especially proud to see him growing up, handling more responsibility, and staying very organized.  As a mom, I can't complain.

But there's this feeling of anxiety I can't seem to shake.

I'm not sure when it started or where it is coming from but it isn't enjoyable.  In fact, it threatens to suck the very joy out of me.  If I tally my list of potential stressors, I could blame it on many things.  But being worried about Noah's safety on the road, having a heavy caseload at work, church obligations, tight finances, or the start of the holiday season isn't why.  Not even November looming, my now least favorite time of year, because of such painful memories of loss.

If I'm being honest, there isn't a valid reason for the anxiety.  It is just upon me, which makes it that much worse.  It would be easier to accept if I could blame it on a laundry list of valid causes.

I'm jumpier, emotional and impatient.  Things that would never bother me before are now.  The other night from out of nowhere I was covered with overwhelming panic.  Heart racing, tears falling, I didn't know where else to turn but scripture.  With a shaky voice, I began reciting peaceful, hopeful phrases from memory.  When that ran out, I searched my Bible under those key words.

I visited my trusty oil box for a natural dose of God's gifts from the earth.  Soon sweet scents were diffusing through the room, uplifting me with every breath.  I prayed, journaled, read.  And I turned on soothing music.  Before long, the feelings passed.  But it wasn't a solitary issue.

While it is uncomfortable to share and write about, I know this same scenario is all too familiar to many reading.  Maybe anxiety is something you struggle with daily, or you've just experienced recently like me, maybe you're in a season of continued stress, or maybe you just really need a mom time-out.

With moms, I know all too well, we tend to put ourselves last.  Self-care goes way down on priority for both time and money, but it is so very important.  Much like when flying in an airplane, the demo speaks to the importance of using the oxygen mask on yourself first.  Because you can't fully care for someone if you are out of air.

So what gives you breath?  What sustains you?  What refills you when you're empty or drained?

I've shared some of my go-tos for stress relief, I welcome you to share yours below.  Or prayer concerns.

If you aren't currently memorizing scripture, I encourage you to do so.  Write it out.  I write a scripture each month on our family calendar, I've been known to write out a treasured one on an index card and place strategically where I need to see it, I've written them on mirrors and even on my hand.  They truly are pieces of armor you can use to weather life's storms.

And as of late, I've been putting my Ipad on a timer and going to sleep listening to God's word.  It has helped my mood, my dreams and my spirit.

I'll close with an invitation for those of you who are local to our church Friday night.  We're having a family movie night and showing the comedy, "Mom's Night Out."  You're guaranteed a free, fun night of laughs.  My cousin and I escaped for a mini hotel getaway when it came out on dvd so I know you'll enjoy it.  It's worthy of a repeat watch.  Message me for details or follow us on Facebook.

And for those afar, I'll leave some of my favorite scriptures that I'm praying will bring you renewed breath.  Put on that oxygen mask and let Him sustain you!

Faithful Friday: Trust God

When I think back to last October and all the change that has come, I'm amazed.  Life isn't anything like I'd expected or planned it to be.  But still, life is good.

Last fall was a major life change for me, leaving a job after 16 years.  For the first time ever, I was unemployed.  And instead of providing, helping, doing, I was on the other side.  It was a scary, uncertain future.

For a girl with a slight case of OCD, and one who surely likes to be in charge and control, not having a job was like setting out in a boat on choppy waters.  For awhile, I didn't know where I'd end up and it felt like I'd been abandoned.

Our finances took a hefty ding and, at times, I felt like God let us down.  Hadn't we suffered enough on this earth?  Why must we struggle again so soon?  How were we ever going to manage?

Eventually, with my hubby's loving reminders, I let go and just trusted God.

The past year hasn't been easy.  There have been huge adjustments, changes, of figuring out who I am in a new career, and a shifting of priorities. Not that we ever lived extravagantly, but we lived in excess.  Now, we've learned that less really is more.  There's a tremendous difference in needs versus want, something the kids have been somewhat less eager to learn at times.

“Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, 

to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.” 
~ Will Rogers

Change has helped us to refocus and reminded that God is in control.

What's been wonderful is that somehow, every need, every time, God has provided, often to the penny.  There's been unexpected blessings and many lessons along the way.  What we know, no matter what, is that we can trust God with our tomorrows - and our todays.

We may not have a lot but we certainly have all we need.  

Faithful Friday: Hopes Springs

If all obstacles and fears were removed from your life, what would you want to do?  What are you working towards that if you snapped your fingers and could fast forward, you'd be there?

I was asked questions like this earlier in the week.
Basically....what are your dreams?

Some of them I found more difficult to answer than others.

I remember a few months back being asked, "where do you see yourself in five years?" and I was again at a loss for words.

Life isn't at all how I planned it now.  Life... didn't ask my opinion in losing my son.
And so, when I think about it, some of my hopes and dreams for the future were paused.

If I'm honest, I am fearful.  I worry that hoping too much or dreaming too big won't happen.
Because I've had the rug pulled out from under my feet more times than I can count.

Instead, I try to just make the best of what life hands me.  Instead I live now for today.
I find joy in the moment because I know how precious they are.  I appreciate the little things because I once took them for granted.

Living this way, I don't believe, is a bad thing.  Loss has made me value life more.  But in pondering those questions, and listening to my preacher remind us how important hope was, that we all need something to dream of, wish for, pray to God about, I realize maybe I'm missing out on a piece.

If I fully believe and trust God, I have to go all in.  I'm still not sure what that means but I am prayerfully looking to the future.  My God promises to prosper me, to give me hope, and a future.  So, I still need to dream...even if my happy ever after ends up on the other side.

The Lord your God is in your midst,

    a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

    he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

Faithful Friday: The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

My one word for 2013 was Submission.
I thought I chose it.  Looking back from a mere six months later, I know it chose me. 

Never would I have imagined God would hand me lesson after lesson to submit. 
And there's still another half of the year to go.  Mercy...

Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. -Romans 5:3-4

This week has pretty much been a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad week, part from one bit of very good news. Of course the good news far outweighs the bad, yet I find myself shaking my head at life’s turn of events. Timing, as they say, is everything.  And the news fairy decided to pile it all on at once.
In the midst of the good and the bad, there's also been some ugly.

Over the course of the past seven days, I would learn yes or no on the “C-word” and yes or no on my career. Ironic how related they both are.  In addition, and in a freak accident that only I could be part of, I would also suffer from a potentially broken rib.

Yea, I don’t make this stuff up folks.

Much to my dismay, I received some bad news about my job. My position is ending.  It didn't come out of left field, but I must admit it was a bit of shock just the same.  And in respect for an organization I've known and loved for over 15 years -and dedicated most of my adult life to, that's about all I'll say on "The Bad" of my week.  As I've done all my life, I put my career in God's hands and trust that he'll place me exactly where I need to be, in his timing.

The Good.  Well, that was really, really good.  For over a year, I've fought a battle with my thyroid.  Truth be told, it's probably beat up on me for years before we discovered it.  A "nodule" appeared a month or so ago and resulted in a long waiting game of many tests.  Lumps are never fun news.  And with one in my throat, I went in for the results this week.  Praising God for three BIG words, "it's not cancer!"  My thyroid is still an angry little thing that we'll keep fighting, but what I'm facing is much more manageable and for that I'm ever-grateful.

Oh, yes, the Ugly.  I'm sure you're on the edge of your seat. 

In true OCD fashion, I dealt with the bad news as only I know how and went into cleaning mode at the office.  I'm a rip the band-aid off kinda gal and knew it had to be done eventually anyway.  So, in organizing and straightening up, I dropped some papers off my desk.  From my chair I bent over the arm to retrieve it, only to find I couldn't quite reach it.  Go-go gadget arms not responding, I pushed a little more and stretched to grab the paper when - POP - a sound my body has never made shocked me into a standing position.  Pain instantly followed and I stood there gasping, in disbelief of what just happened. 

Did I burst my spleen?  Is that even where a spleen would be?  Seriously, am I such a wimp that I can't even pick up a piece of paper without getting hurt?!  With my pride and my side stinging, I tried to continue through my afternoon.  I discovered that standing made it significantly worse so I huddled down and reverted to laptop work for the remainder of my day. 

By the time I got home that evening, I was in intense pain but still in complete denial.  A google search and webMD had diagnosed me with either a broken rib or a bunch of disorders I can't say or spell.  While at the doctor for the big news test results, I had her check and she promptly sent me for an x-ray.  (Confirmed results are still unknown.) 

In reflecting on the past week, submission kept whispering to me.  It led me to recall my "one word" and to go back and read my entry the beginning of this year.  How positive and upbeat I was, ready to hand it over to God.  How quickly I forgot...and failed.  On all three of these cases, I've had no control of the outcome.  Well, unless you count the lesson learned to not be lazy and stretch your body beyond it's physical limits to retrieve a piece of paper.  At any rate, they were and are reminders of the fact I've far from mastered this one word. 

I stressed.  I worried.  I was unkind to my family.  Much like an ostrich, I retreated and tried to pull the cover over my head.  I did pray but I wasn't very patient and I was certainly not very trusting.  I wanted to fix this and it frustrated me when I couldn't.  So, I'm dusting myself off and trying again.

It's Happy New Year x2.  Like Christmas in July, I'm celebrating an opportunity to start anew this summer and truly and freely Submit.  I may not always understand the answers but I'm trusting Him through it all.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. -Proverbs 3:5

 

 

 

 

Faithful Friday: Trusting Him

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths. - Proverbs 3:5-6

It's hard for me trust.  This inability is perhaps one of my greatest weaknesses, as a person and a Christian.  Trust, for me, comes with time.  Personally, it must be "proved" and shown in actions over and over again.  If I'm let down or hurt, it's difficult for me to try again.  As a Christian, trust is a struggle, especially when you question things as much as I do. 

Do you ever wonder why bad things happen to good people? Why disaster strikes some and not others? Why people who seem healthy get sick?   I do, even though I know I shouldn't.  Maybe it's human nature.  Maybe it's just my personality. 

I wonder if I drove my Mom crazy with questions as a child?  Constantly, I was curious about how things worked, why things happened, and sought to learn as much as possible.  As a mother, those questions were welcomed by children, most of the time.  When they were little, it was a glimpse into their world.  As if they were a human sponge, with each question - and then answer, I could almost see their brain soaking it up.  I loved teaching them new things and letting them explore and grow. 

Yet, I can also remember being annoyed with questions, especially when they didn't seem necessary or when an explanation wasn't needed or available.  "But Why?" can tug at any parent's nerves.  And I wonder if that is sometimes how God feels with us.  Some things aren't meant for us to know - or understand.  As his children, it's just our responsibility to TRUST that he knows what is best.  I don't believe that God causes all bad things that happen, but I do believe he always has a hand in them.  If only to use the circumstance for good, whether to use it so that we lean on him more or to lead others to him, they are opportunities for spiritual growth. 

Today's scripture has been on my mind for many reasons this week.  I've learned that dear friends and close family members may be facing cancer.  Even though I work in that field - Cancer - is an ugly and scary word.  It makes you hold your breath, waiting for what is to come.  Personally, there's some decisions I'm wavering in and find I'm depending more on myself than God for the answers.  And there are other family members on my heart, some who are struggling with their own faith.  As someone who has been down that road, the deepest departure with the loss of Austin, I feel their pain.  I know what it is to doubt, to question, to wonder and even to anger at life's decisions and results.  God never promised His path would be easy but he did promise he'd be there every step. 

I'm reminded of possibly the first "favorite quote" of mine. 

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Over the years, that quote has held many meanings for me.  But today I can see it mirrored with the scripture above.  Our path, in this life, is sometimes uncertain.  It is sometimes filled with pain.  And it often feels like the ending will never come.  Taking that step forward can be frightening, especially if we feel we are alone.  But no journey in this life is truly taken in a single step because God is always walking right beside us.  No matter what you are facing today, he is there to walk with you, to guide you, and to support you through it all.  But it is only when you willingly give up your own expectations or demands and give the reigns to Him that those steps become less burdensome.

I think of it like this...I will walk any path in this life, no matter how many mountains to climb over or valleys to come out of, because I trust where it ends.  Though the next corner may be unseen and uncertain, I trust where this journey leads.  My trust in Him lets me know this is my path HOME, and because of that, it is worth every single step.

Downpour

Ever feel like the saying, "when it rains it pours" is an understatement?  That just about sums up my life lately.  I don't know why but it seems that bad news and events seem to like hanging around each other.  And, for whatever reason, they've chosen to visit many in my family this month! 

At this point, I almost expect the phone to ring, telling me of another illness, problem, or prayer needed.  In the past month, both in and out of my immediate family, every single person, on both my mother and father's, side has had health concerns or other issues.  In our own home, Tim's suffering from debilitating back pain from a recent wreck we were in.  While the wreck seemed so minor at the time, it was Tim's second in a month (neither his fault), and has caused a world of trouble for him.  Not one to lie around, being off work and on bed rest is just about unbearable for him, not to mention the pain.

My Grandmother suffered from a few falls, and with her declining vision, has had to stop driving.  This has been such a change for her, as she's one of the busiest most active 80-something-year-olds I know.  This, in addition to just recently losing her sister, has made it a difficult few weeks.  To add to her heartache, her only daughter was placed in the hospital this week and doctor's are uncertain exactly what is wrong.  With my Aunt's history of cancer and heart problems though, we're all prayerfully concerned.

My Dad's health has had ups and downs the past couple of years but he's had a rough summer.  My Mom fell last week, landing hard on her chin and knees.  She already has pain and mobility issues so this hasn't helped her.  Added to it, is concern for her husband, my step dad.  Since his stroke last year, his health has also declined and the past week he's been feeling ill. 

Each of my siblings are facing difficulties as well, many of which involve more personal information than I'm willing to share in a post.  My youngest niece is facing concerning health issues in that she's only three and having problems with her leg that doctors and even specialists are puzzled over.  To see her little body limping in pain just breaks my heart and I pray we find answers soon.  And my oldest sister, who has made some poor choices in her life, just recently lost custody of her three children.  Now all three are living in different homes and we've welcomed the youngest daughter into ours.

As someone who is sometimes overly dramatic, I promise there is no embellishment in this laundry list of family crises.  In fact, I've shared lightly because so much of it doesn't involve me.  That's probably what makes all of this harder - because I have to watch everyone hurting, knowing I can't just easily go in and fix any of it.  So what's one to do when those they love are in need of something I can't provide?  How do you face each day with a positive outlook when things look so dreary and uncertain? 
While I don't have all the answers, and can't explain the why of many things, I trust God with my troubles.  Even without explanations, I know He can provide us with peace in times of chaos.  And while I would never wish for my family to be in pain, I know that in times of need we draw closer to God, at least I do.  I appreciate the closeness that trying times bring me to Him.  Just as flowers need rain, the downpours of life refresh our spirit after we've come through them.  And, without the valleys, we don't appreciate the mountains near as much.

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.  -Romans 8:18

Joy in Surrender

We visited a new church Sunday but it was filled with old memories.  It was reminiscent of the church I grew up in, with my Grandpa in the pulpit.  From the casual-down-to-earth nature, to the birthday song, to announcing attendance numbers, so many moments reminded me of another time.

What was very much in the present though was the message.  It was about surrendering to God - even when it doesn't make sense, even when we don't agree or understand, and even when we're scared.

While there are still things in my life I may forever question, trusting in God and surrendering to Him, is what has always pulled me through.  Through the big and the little trials of life, giving it to God is how I've managed..functioned...and keep on going.  That's faith, I guess.  I actually just looked up the definition to see if surrender was listed among them.  While not in the exact words, it said, "Faith - a belief in God and a trusting acceptance of God's will."

We may not ever know in this life why we face struggles, uncertainty, pain or loss, but I do believe there is a greater purpose behind it all.  I know leaning on God has got me through each day - and brought me closer to him.  While many in my extended family are going through many of these same obstacles now, I trust in Him to provide, to bring us peace, and to carry us through when we need it. 

"My ability to handle life's storms rests upon my ability to give them to God!"