Braking for Butterflies

Self-care has been the topic of conversation in the homes I visited this week.  As Mother's Day approaches, I felt it was timely to remind these new and young mommas to put themselves first - at least once a day.

That's not easy for most moms.  It's natural for us to want to help and care for others and put ourselves last.  But, if we are running on empty, we aren't offering anyone our best.  Practicing self-care is the one time in our day it is ok to be selfish.  Mommas, you need this time.  

It doesn't have to take long or even cost money.  In digging online to find nuggets of inspo for my visits, I found two great resources that I'll share with you too:  31 Quick Self-Care Tips and a Self-Care calendar.

I also found a list of Affirmations I'll challenge each of you to print and read to yourself as you begin or end every day.

In my final visit of the week, as we were painting butterflies with tiny baby footprints, a mom made a suggestion that changed my day.  She mentioned that if I drove a different direction home, I'd come across a spot where butterflies liked to play.  Little did she know how special those tiny flying creatures are to me.

Butterflies, specifically yellow ones, have been a sign from Austin since we lost him in 2008.  He's sent them at times there can be no other explanation than to know it was heaven-sent.  For instance, we've been visited by butterflies in the middle of winter, upon freshly fallen snow.

As I headed out her driveway, I began to make excuses as to why I didn't have the five extra minutes it would take to go another direction.  But a persistent little butterfly cut in my path and demanded my attention.  It danced in front of the car as if to say, follow me!

I'm so thankful I listened.

What a difference one turn or choice makes in our day.  Within moments, it felt as if I was on Butterfly Drive because I had to slow down, just to prevent hitting them from fluttering across the road.  Easily finding the spot she'd recommended, I pulled over to take in the scenery.

They were very camera shy so I didn't capture any to share.  Honestly, I was so mesmerized and at peace, I didn't think to take any until almost ready to leave.

I did pause to take a photo of a nearby creek because it was also breathtaking and stilled my soul.

Though I stayed only a few moments, it was sustenance I didn't even realize I needed.

Upon leaving, I broke down in tears and found myself in prayer the remainder of my drive.  Mother's Day weekend will always be bittersweet.  When you have lost a child, it changes the holiday forever.  And although I am beyond blessed to have a towering gentle giant still at home, I will never forget the one who made me Mom first.

Though I prayed for peace and strength as I face the weekend, what I found is that most of my prayer was gratitude.  For the 14 years we had with Austin...for the way God has healed us through this journey...and for the sneak peaks of Heaven he allows when Austin sends us whispers of love.

If you are facing this holiday with loss, whether from a baby you never got to meet, a child gone too soon, or even your own mother's passing, my heart goes out to you.  Be extra gentle on yourself this weekend.  Allow tears to fall.  Embrace the memories.  And if one dances by, brake for butterflies.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

My fingers have been itching to get dirty as of late.

Empty window boxes beckon me.  And my deck, with the not yet planted spots calls to me each afternoon.

I'm in serious need of dirt therapy.

To be one with the earth.  Fingers stretching into the deep dark soil.  A tiny seed with the promise of something beautiful.

Though I do not have a green thumb and long to take after any number of "old" southern gardeners in my family, I do enjoy the yearly planting of flowers and a few vegetables.

A few veggies, being mostly tomatoes.  Yes, I'm aware they aren't really a vegetable but I categorize them that way and always will.  Unlike Ouiser, I actually do love tomatoes.  I could eat them every single day.

Last night, hubby came home with a few cherry tomato plants I scored free off of Facebook.  My weekend goal is to plant them and anything else I can get my hands on.

The hope is that the veggies will at least supplement my weekly trips to the farmers market.  And the flowers, hanging from boxes along my dining room, bring a smile to me every morning, as hubby and I enjoy coffee.  And are a sunny hello as I pull into the drive each afternoon.

This year we also plan to plant a butterfly garden, from a kit I received in the mail.  I was surprised to learn that butterflies, specifically monarchs, are struggling to survive.  Their population has decreased by almost 90%.

After losing Austin, butterflies became very symbolic for us, as this is often the way he'll send us a sign.

There have been several goose-bump moments, like in the middle of winter when it seemed impossible, that we would see a butterfly.  But when it was needed most, a single yellow butterfly would make its appearance.

Seems a fitting time to start the garden Memorial day weekend, as a way to remember our sweet boy.

Faithful Friday: Butterfly Beginnings

Last weekend, my baby turned 14.  Aside from the joy of watching Noah growing taller and changing by the minute, this was a bittersweet birthday.  By this summer, he will have "outlived" his older brother.

That's a tough concept to process. 
And I was thankful to have the busyness of Noah's birthday to avoid it.  Mostly.

I know that by July, when Austin's birthday rolls around, it will be a whole new set of emotions.  My frantic-worried-protective-momma heart flutters at the thought of where we'll be, how we'll feel when Noah starts high school...wading through November...

Uncharted territory on this grief journey.

But for the weekend, I relished the time with Noah and his experiences.  Dinner at Red Lobster, a rare treat.  A basketball game with a 20 point win!  Fun at the shooting range with Dad and a shocking bulls-eye or two from Mom.  Sleepover with a friend.  A surprise family showing at church (two pews full!) followed by lunch at the house with chili and a yummy strawberry cake.  All in all, I think he enjoyed a weekend dedicated to all things Noah.

Saturday morning, before the ballgame, we dropped Tina off for a weekend retreat.  While a little sad she would miss Noah's birthday weekend, she was excited and ready for what was in store.  Tina had been selected to go on a Chrysalis walk.  Modeled after the Emmaus walk for adults, it is a little course in Christianity.  As she put it to her friends, a walk with Jesus.

Right away the butterfly symbolism spoke to me.  As we entered the doors to drop her luggage, I stopped to snap a photo.  A little hug from above on this weepy weekend...

I won't divulge much from her trip, as the walks are somewhat private and meant to keep it as an individual experience.  But we were overjoyed for her to have this opportunity and deep in prayer for her journey throughout the weekend.

Funny side note...When Tina explained this  trip to a group of her friends, one exclaimed, "They're going to make you walk non-stop for 3 whole days!?"

No around the clock walking (tee hee) but she did comment it was a pretty non-stop weekend.  She came home exhausted but filled with the Spirit on Monday night.  We're prayerful she holds true to what she knew before, what she's learned, and continue on the path God is leading her to.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

 “plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future." 

Jeremiah 29:11

As a parent it is so easy to worry.  To let this world saturate us.  To let fear creep in.  To stress about your children's futures.  I'm guilty of every single one of these.  Sometimes daily.

But when I feel doubt and uncertainties covering me, I hold tight to the promises I know to be true.  We're each assigned a certain number of days by God.  While that unknown can still bring a bit of anxiety, especially to someone who has lost a child, I know nothing surprises God. 

Above all, no matter what, I know where my children will be (and are) when they leave this earth. There is complete assurance in that truth.

^"but our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.  He will transform the body of our humble condition into the likeness of His glorious body, by the power that enables Him to subject everything to Himself."  Philippians 3:20-21

 

Butterfly to Eagle

My boy is sending me eagles.  By the dozens. 

In the past month, I've seen more eagles than maybe my entire life.  They're literally in the sky every time I glance up.  Every time it's like Austin is smiling down and I'm filled with a sense of peace. 
I think Austin is sending me a message that he's an eagle now.

Eagles are everywhere...and butterflies seem sparse.  Butterflies have been the way Austin's sent me signs, or hugs from above, since the beginning.  Those butterflies always come at the perfect moment and so often have almost taken my breath away at their timing.  He's even sent me butterflies in snow.

They truly have been little blessings and I'm grateful for every peek we're sent from Heaven.  Especially with losing a child, what you want and yearn for most is just to see them again.  To know they're ok.  To hug them.  Those butterflies have been my hello hug from my sweet boy and lifts my spirits with every flutter of their wings.

I miss not seeing them as much but I'm awestruck at his new way of waving to me.  I say that but then he sent me both at the same time today.  As I'm looking up at a majestic eagle soaring in the sky, I glance down just in time to catch a glimpse of yellow...a happy little butterfly.  I laughed out loud and said, "Yes, Austin, I see you!  And I love & miss you too!"

It's fitting he's sending me eagles now.  His class just graduated...next month would've been his 18th birthday.  Strong, carefree, protecting, peaceful, Heavenward.

A Date and a Sign

January means a new calendar.  A new year...opportunities, anniversaries, plans, hopes and dreams.  For a mom, it also means organization.  My calendar keeps me sane - juggling work, home, school, church, and all the in-betweens. 

I've used the same type of calendar at home for several years.  Purchasing one each book fair at Noah's school, it held large empty spaces across the top for me to write in our names.  This allowed everyone a section on each day, so I could keep track of who does what and goes where when.  Unfortunately, I missed this year's book fair, and thus, did not buy my annual calendar.

2012 arrived and my wall was bare.  I was on the hunt.  Although I couldn't find my typical purchase, I did find a substitute.  Though a little smaller, it seemed to have the space I was looking for.  Instead of across the top, there were slots on the side for our names.  Pulling off the shrink wrap and grabbing a handful of multi-colored sharpies, I sat down with my electronic calendar to help fill in the blanks. 

Writing in the names each year has been hard since losing Austin.  As a mom, you are used to writing the names of your family and for so long we were Tim, Heather, Austin and Noah.  On gift tags, I even abbreviated it "THAN" and everyone knew who it was.  Calendars are also difficult because of yearly reminders - his birthday and angel-versary but also all the milestones of 2012 that Austin won't get to be a part of.

As I flipped to July, I braved my heart and readied myself to fill the space on July 8 and write in Austin's birthday.  Goosebumps covered my arms and I felt a hug from above when I noticed the picture on that exact day.  A butterfly.  And not just on the 8th but all over July's page.  It was just another sweet, heartwarming, soul-soothing sign from above.  Austin is ever present in our lives and never ceases to amaze me by how he sends us hugs and love....all on the wings of a butterfly.