May Days

Goodness...May is nearly over and I realized there's not been a single joyful post this month!

This season is historically busy but when you have a graduating teen, it certainly adds to the chaos.  My calendar looks like an angry toddler played with an Etch-A-Sketch.

And although there have been many days I don't know if I'm coming or going, May has been full of joys.  However, given the busyness of my schedule, a blog-o-photos will have to do for now.

May means sunshine (and extra doses) so we dusted off the deck and have enjoyed our mornings and evenings there.  Most days Tim gets home just before I leave but we manage to sneak in a mini coffee date, serenaded by the birds.

My baby went to senior prom with his girl.  They had a magical night and allowed me to sneak in a few pics before they left.  This is one of my faves...

That same weekend was my sweet Grandma's 89th birthday.  She was surprised by many guests over the course of several days.  Seeing her smile always brings me joy.

I promise she was happy, we were just standing 

in her way of Cheddar's with all our pics!  tee hee

With all the formal dates on the calendar, Noah and I finally got some "mom & me" time, even if it was to try on dress shirts and pants.  I paid him in sushi after.  He's on the cusp of being all grown up so I soak up every moment with him I can get.  In the end, I know we've done our part to raise him right and the rest is up to him and God.  He sent me this pic last week out of the blue...knowing that he stops to take in the beauty of the day, assures me they've got this.

Like mother, like son.  In more ways than one...

I literally pulled off the side of the road to take in this view.

And Tim captured this over the weekend...

My flowers are starting to bloom, which makes me smile daily.

Tim's working on the boat, with hopes we're floating by Friday.

I've started classes and excited about the potential it has for our future.

Sunday, Mother's Day, was a bittersweet, but beautiful day.

Loved having my momma beside me in church, 

as well as other family who don't normally come.

Tim went out of his way to make me feel special and loved.

Noah cooked an amazing dinner.

And Austin, as always, sent me hugs and hellos.

All in all, May has been overflowing with joys.

Blessed beyond measure.

Here's hoping I can pause to catch up more with you soon!

Braking for Butterflies

Self-care has been the topic of conversation in the homes I visited this week.  As Mother's Day approaches, I felt it was timely to remind these new and young mommas to put themselves first - at least once a day.

That's not easy for most moms.  It's natural for us to want to help and care for others and put ourselves last.  But, if we are running on empty, we aren't offering anyone our best.  Practicing self-care is the one time in our day it is ok to be selfish.  Mommas, you need this time.  

It doesn't have to take long or even cost money.  In digging online to find nuggets of inspo for my visits, I found two great resources that I'll share with you too:  31 Quick Self-Care Tips and a Self-Care calendar.

I also found a list of Affirmations I'll challenge each of you to print and read to yourself as you begin or end every day.

In my final visit of the week, as we were painting butterflies with tiny baby footprints, a mom made a suggestion that changed my day.  She mentioned that if I drove a different direction home, I'd come across a spot where butterflies liked to play.  Little did she know how special those tiny flying creatures are to me.

Butterflies, specifically yellow ones, have been a sign from Austin since we lost him in 2008.  He's sent them at times there can be no other explanation than to know it was heaven-sent.  For instance, we've been visited by butterflies in the middle of winter, upon freshly fallen snow.

As I headed out her driveway, I began to make excuses as to why I didn't have the five extra minutes it would take to go another direction.  But a persistent little butterfly cut in my path and demanded my attention.  It danced in front of the car as if to say, follow me!

I'm so thankful I listened.

What a difference one turn or choice makes in our day.  Within moments, it felt as if I was on Butterfly Drive because I had to slow down, just to prevent hitting them from fluttering across the road.  Easily finding the spot she'd recommended, I pulled over to take in the scenery.

They were very camera shy so I didn't capture any to share.  Honestly, I was so mesmerized and at peace, I didn't think to take any until almost ready to leave.

I did pause to take a photo of a nearby creek because it was also breathtaking and stilled my soul.

Though I stayed only a few moments, it was sustenance I didn't even realize I needed.

Upon leaving, I broke down in tears and found myself in prayer the remainder of my drive.  Mother's Day weekend will always be bittersweet.  When you have lost a child, it changes the holiday forever.  And although I am beyond blessed to have a towering gentle giant still at home, I will never forget the one who made me Mom first.

Though I prayed for peace and strength as I face the weekend, what I found is that most of my prayer was gratitude.  For the 14 years we had with Austin...for the way God has healed us through this journey...and for the sneak peaks of Heaven he allows when Austin sends us whispers of love.

If you are facing this holiday with loss, whether from a baby you never got to meet, a child gone too soon, or even your own mother's passing, my heart goes out to you.  Be extra gentle on yourself this weekend.  Allow tears to fall.  Embrace the memories.  And if one dances by, brake for butterflies.

Making it through...

The Monday after Mother's Day. 

A sigh of relief.  The letting go of held in breath. 
Of pinching yourself so you wouldn't cry.  Of brave faces. 
Of broken hearts.

Mother's Day is not the same for any of us from days past.

How I treasure those early years of chubby fingers bringing me dandelions from the yard.  Of hand-print poems framed for the occasion.  Of clip on ties and crisp white shirts little boys wriggled in.  Of bear hugs and wet kisses.

Life is different now in our home.



Me & Mom - Mother's Day 2013



I inhale the sweet embrace of my towering teenage boy and say prayers of thankfulness for the son who remains.  Smiles come from seeing him help his dad cook dinner for me and sweep the floor.  Touched by the thoughtfulness of Tim pre-ordering me a made from scratch red velvet cake, my favorite.  Surprised by the rose and card from my loving momma, even though I arrived at her church to give the surprise.  Thankful for a meal provided by my sister's in-laws, who opened their home and shared the day with us.  Combined families, new faces, changes in tradition.  Heart tugs from the quiet but loving "Happy Mother's Day" from my niece with my good-night hug.

I'm grateful for the simpleness of the holiday, because life isn't a Hallmark commercial, and honestly, simple is easier on everyone.

Because here...

Mothers long for their babies, whether they've left this earth too soon, were never given the joy of being born into this world, or are grown but paying for mistakes and not around. 

Here...

Children long for their mothers, whether they've earned their wings from wrinkled age, or made bad choices that separated them. 

Here...

Mother's Day includes visits to a graveside to say I love you.  To a graveside that also includes a son and a momma's heart is broken over watching her husband waiver in grief and longing for what can't be.

Here....

There is silent pain in a little girl's eye.  Of what was and wasn't all at the same time and of what will never be.  A girl who always holds her breath in life, waiting for the next shoe to fall.  Who is afraid to let go and hit a pinata at a birthday party because every joyful moment she has was followed by chaos and pain.  Who's afraid if she breathes and lets go, this new life she's grasping onto will change again for the worse.  And an aunt who hasn't quite figured out how to fill that gap and patch up the hurting holes, so she treads lightly, but desperately wants to heal her pain.

Here...

We pray without ceasing through the day.  We're grateful for the blessings. And we soak up every joyful tidbit.  We laugh harder, when it comes, and tuck it away with gratitude. 

But here... we're glad when Monday comes.

Mother's Day Memories

Mother's Day isn't a holiday I look forward to.  It's a day charged with emotions and memories, knowing that the reason I became a mother isn't with me anymore.  My first Mother's Day as a mom started because of Austin.  From the moment I learned I was pregnant, I was forever connected to this life.  Now that he is gone, this holiday will forever have a void. 

I will always start and end this day in tears, remembering the precious years I had with him, longing to see and hold him again, and wishing for just one more day with my sweet boy.  There will always be a visible hole in my heart on this day, even though I struggle to keep a smile on my face for my other.  It's a constant tug of war.  I love both of my sons equally, you just feel torn when one is no longer with you.  It's a struggle between honoring the son I had and treasuring the one I still have.

This year had an added loss, as it was Tim's first Mother's Day without his mom.  I don't know what that loss is like but my heart aches for Tim, as both his parents are gone from this Earth.  This day was also filled with memories of my mother-in-law, June.  I think back to our last Mother's Day with her, an emotional one in that we were in the midst of her illness at that time. 

We didn't have an actual diagnosis of cancer at that time but you could feel the collective pause as we each held our breath.  Last Mother's Day wasn't like other's past, in that we couldn't share a meal with her because she was so sick.  It was just a simple day spent by her side, talking, laughing, sharing and watching tv with her.  Sadly, we lost June just over a month later.

Knowing all this, I didn't expect Tim to do anything for me this year.  I just felt it was unsaid.  Since losing Austin, we don't make much of the day because it's just hard to do so.  This year, I worried about Tim and didn't want to emphasize or draw any more attention to the loss he might feel.  However, my husband never ceases to amaze me and did things throughout the weekend to make me feel special.  And that is just one of the MANY reasons I love him so!

There were many treasured moments and memories this weekend...from having breakfast with my guys, to driving down country roads with my little man at the wheel, and then again sitting behind him as he took me on a 4-wheeler ride, Mom handing me a bouquet of flowers from her garden and adding to it the wild roses picked by Tim and Noah, and an impromptu dinner on the deck with Mom and the family.  The smiles and sense of togetherness as we gathered around the patio table...sharing some yummy food fresh from the grill...yard games and giggling babies dancing in the yard.

One very special moment came unexpectedly from my little sister.  She had won a gift at a church function for being the youngest mother.  It happened to be a solar butterfly, and knowing how special butterflies are to me, she opted to give it to us for Austin's graveside.  It was so touching that, number one, she thought of me on this day, and two, somehow Austin made his presence known that day (as he always does) through a butterfly.

But among all these heartfelt memories, maybe the best was standing under the stars hugging Noah.  His loving smile looking down on me just lifted my spirits, warmed my soul, and hugged my heart.  We spent the last few moments of the night snuggled on the couch together.  He didn't want to go to bed, soaking up every last minute with his Mom.  His sincere reaction made me feel like a Queen.  It was the perfect ending to the day.