Guest Post: Top Three Ways to Remember the People You Miss Most

Joyful Readers... 

Please welcome Allison Gilbert, my first guest poster!  I'm drawn to her mission of keeping the memory of loved ones alive and know you will be too.


 I’ve never met anyone who’s completely stopped thinking about the person he or she loved; our memories flow in and out and wash over us at anticipated and unexpected times. And while many of us want to keep the memories of lost loved ones alive, the question that often confounds us is -- how?  The absence of a useful guide to answer this question is what prompted me to write my book, Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive, the first roadmap for discovering fun, creative, and inspiring ways to remember the family and friends we never want to forget.

 My motivation for writing the book extends beyond filling an unmistakable void in bereavement literature. I want anyone who has ever lost a dear friend or family member to embrace their memories and celebrate them. Why? Because doing so will likely make you happier.

 Honoring past relationships has proven to have such significant restorative power that noted grief expert J. William Worden developed an entire bereavement-recovery theory about it. He explains, “Death makes you feel out of control. Taking steps to remember leads to empowerment and feeling empowered is absolutely necessary for living a full, happy, and loving life.”

 I have found this to be true. In the years following the deaths of my loved ones, I came to recognize that the more I incorporated spurts of remembrance into my day to day life -- as opposed to sectioning them off to a particular time of year -- the more I was able to embrace every part of me: the people who have passed, and all that’s good and fulfilling in my present. And I was happier.

 Below are a few of my favorite opportunities for celebrating relationships that are still important to us. In Passed and Present, I call these ideas Forget Me Nots.

 Repurpose Favorite Garments: I love this concept because it turns clothing into objects you can appreciate every day.  A few years after my father died, I made a quilt out of his colorful assortment of neckties. Other possibilities include:

• Using cherished garments to make handwoven rugs, table runners, Moroccan-style poufs, or throw pillows.
• Deconstructing fleece jackets and sweatshirts to make cuddly teddy bears.
• Stitching together corduroy and other thick materials to craft duffel bags, gym bags, and everyday totes with the help of Totes with Tales (www.toteswithtales.com).

 Make a Game of It:  Given how much we can do with technology these days, it would be a shame to not harness its benefits for children. You can personalize a deck of cards with photographs of both living family members and those you’ve lost. By integrating all your loved ones, children are seamlessly taught to value every relationship in their lives. The same sense of recognition can come from customizing a board book for a toddler or designing your own memory game. And, if you work with the eco-friendly website www.paperculture.com to create these projects or others, the company will plant a tree in recognition of every purchase—giving customers the opportunity to dedicate that tree to whomever they wish. Love that!

Share Family Recipes: My grandmother made the most delicious coffee cake. I prize the handwritten recipe and worked with Beth Digman, owner of Prairie Hills Pottery, to make it a central part of my kitchen.  Watch this video to see more. Digman creates several types of custom pottery and will make a special piece just for you. Here are two additional ideas for preserving recipes:

•  Frame a beloved handwritten heirloom as art for your kitchen.
• Create a DropBox or Google Drive folder where your extended family can upload and share favorite recipes.  This online repository can also include meaningful photographs.

The essential takeaway from Passed and Present is that absence and presence can coexist, and that engaging with the past, and bringing memories into the present, is what gives us the greatest strength to move forward, and helps us find our joy again.  We just need a few ideas.  We all just need to know how.

Faithful Friday: Remembering You

 "I thank my God every time I remember you" --Philippians 1:3

I went to bed last night with this scripture on my heart.  Yesterday I found Noah with his treasure chest opened on his bed.  This chest is one he built with his dad, shortly after we lost Austin.  In it Noah placed memories of Austin, things he treasured about his big brother.  The chest came with a lock and key and we shared with him that it was his to go to whenever he missed Austin.  Most of the time, he opens it privately, as I'm sure that tears often fall, like they do whenever I reminisce.  This time however, he wanted to share.  We spent time looking through things and he decided to wear one of brother's necklaces and his cologne to school this morning.  Although I wish he didn't have to have only memories left of Austin, I am glad he can remember and feel close to him in these ways.

Memories are difficult when you first lose someone.  You waiver between wanting to remember them and guarding your heart against the pain you know will follow.  While you welcome others mentioning the lost loved one, you brace yourself for the raw emotions those early months bring.  On one hand it may lift your spirits that someone remembered or thought of them, but on the other it just irritates an already broken heart.

And truthfully, in some cases, I avoided the topic at times because I just couldn't break down in that moment.  Either I was in a location I didn't want to bare to my soul, or my face was still damp from tears I didn't want to spill again so soon.  So, you build it up and wait until you are alone, or feel safe, to reflect on the memories and allow the pain to come.

There were times that I wondered if we could ever speak of Austin that tears wouldn't fall or our voice would shake.  It hurt me because I wanted us to recall memories of him and be able to smile, laugh, and warm our hearts in remembering him.  But I also knew how each of us stood on shaky ground every day.  Some days were ok, some days were horrible,  and I never wanted to cause tears to fall on a rare good day.  I didn't want to cause Tim or Noah anymore pain than what I already knew they felt, even though I also knew they thought of him with every breath.

Looking back at the long road of grief with child loss, I can say those days do eventually come.  Yes, we still cry, and yes, it still hurts, but we can also smile now when saying his name.  We can laugh as we tell a funny story of something Austin did.  We can remember all the many, many blessings he brought into our lives, even if his days with us were shorter than we'd hoped.  We can also thank God with every memory, every thought, each reflection of his life and how he impacted each of ours.