Five Birthdays Gone.

19...

I have no place card for this.  Nothing to compare it against, except for Austin's friends that we see now grown, in college, and starting new lives.

Austin would be 19 today. 

Seems unreal on every level.  That we'd have a college-age son now. 
That instead of celebrating, we can only spend the day remembering.
....and longing for what could've been.

He's been gone from this world nearly five years.  Five birthdays gone.

My momma-heart can so easily become broken again this time of year.  I can drown in the what if's and where-he'd-be-todays.  My faith has me clinging to what I know. 

And prayers have me held.  Beautiful friends who bless me with prayers.

As I finish this post, the post I've started and stopped for the past week, on this birthday, I wonder how I'm holding it together.  How I'm not crazy-mad.  Because my heart tells me I should be.  Beloved prayers, peace in knowing, and my faithful Heavenly Father are the only explanations for why I'm not.

For those of you just at the tip of this grief path, there's comfort here.  It does get better, even on a bittersweet difficult day like today.

The pain is always there, lingering, but not the raw, not the ugly pain from the beginning.  It does get easier, but just as the love for your child never ends, missing-them-pain remains.  What's different is that hearing Austin's name now brings a smile, instead of the wellspring of tears that used to come. 

 

I can now hear look at photos, hear "Austin stories," and recall those beloved memories with fondness and appreciation for the moments we shared. 

And with HOPE, I hold on...

until we meet on that beautiful shore someday.

I wrote this letter to Austin last year, for the milestone 18th birthday. 

So much of it still rings true - If you were here today...

Happy Birthday, sweet boy.  Love you BIG and miss you so.

Faithful Friday: Freedom

The "4th of July" embodies Americana. 

Watermelons and Sparklers.  Families and BBQ.  Fireworks and Patriotic Flags.  Freedom.

In this family, the holiday also means hot potato salad and my momma's birthday. 
And all the other red, white, and blue festivities that go with it.

This 4th in particular has me pondering a lot on freedom.

Tim worked a wreck involving the military most of Wednesday evening.  Due to a vehicle malfunction, a caravan of soldiers found one of their own trapped inside, after rolling from the wreck.  It was serious enough that the parkway was shut down for several hours.  As people grumbled and complained being stalled in traffic, those who fight for us were fighting for their lives.

The soldiers had just left lunch, headed home, ready for a holiday leave.  Time with friends and family.  Time to celebrate.  Risking their lives for our country's freedom, I'm sure none of them guessed how this day would end.  Especially the three young men taken to nearby hospitals.  One is in critical condition on this Independence day.

What's true about this life, this world, even here in the good ole' USA, is that nothing is forever.  Everything changes.  Things aren't guaranteed.  And in this life bad things happen to good people.  Every single day.

But the freedom that God provides is never ending.  The freedom that we can take our broken and be restored.  Every single time.  Blessed as we are in this land of the free, His freedom is given to all.

So on this day after our nation's birthday, I'm celebrating both worlds.  Happy to stand here and now in the home of the brave.  Grateful for the freedom of knowing where my forever home will be.

In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free.  Psalm 118:5

*Note- I've learned today that the solider mentioned above is paralyzed from injuries sustained in the wreck.  Please hold him and his family in your prayers.

*2015 update:  http://www.gofundme.com/vds3-org