Held

I feel the need to write, yet I'm not sure I have the words...  These past few days have been so emotionally saturated.  And even though tears have fallen, they haven't the way I'd expected.  In some ways I think I'm numb, but there's so much more.

Sunday was Mother's Day.  It isn't a day I look forward to anymore.  Mother's Day is overwhelmingly hard when you've lost a child.  With Austin, he was my first born, and so it was because of him I celebrated my first holiday.  It's impossible to face the day without being flooded with memories of him.

This was my fourth Mother's Day without him.  With all the emotions from the season, I expected it be a difficult day.  I began my morning in prayer, but during it - and throughout my day - I could feel the prayers from others.  I was held.

There is no explanation for what it feels like to be held in prayer.  It's happened so many times during this journey and each time I'm humbled, grateful and spiritually changed by it's power.  I know that it is because of those prayers, and most importantly, the strength and peace from God, that I've survived.

It's the only explanation I have for yesterday.  Given the circumstances, it was still a good day.  Part of me even felt guilty for the goodness that came.  Was it wrong for me to smile, laugh, and enjoy my day - without Austin here?  Though it hurt to reflect on it, I know that he would say yes.

We'd asked for prayer the night before in our Lifegroup meeting.  In our close circle of friends from church, Tim shared what we'd be facing this coming week.  Austin's graduation would've been this Friday night.  During the prayer, I felt lifted and I believe it is what helped to hold me into the next day.  We went to church at least, and that's a tremendous change from prior years.

I'd avoided Mother's Day in church since losing Austin because it was too much.  Too many painful memories.  Too hard to explain or apologize for falling tears on a day so many others were celebrating.  Too many reminders of moments and memories lost.  But we went yesterday and were blessed from it. 

The night before and morning of, we prayed for my niece, Tina.  This would be yet another Mother's Day without her Mom.  I worried for her, concerned for the pain she might feel.  I even secretly hoped Tim & Noah didn't make a big deal of the holiday in front of her, for fear she'd feel left out.  She surprised me with the sweetest note yesterday, thanking us for what we've done for her.  I was choked up reading it aloud to Tim, especially the ending of, "our love for each other will never end. nothing and no one can replace you, how I feel about you, and everything you have done! Thank you soo much I love you!! :)"  My worries were eased in that instant for her.

It's again just another example of the amazing power of prayer and how, just when we need it most, Providence arrives.  I find myself hoping this peace - and the sense of being held - continues for the week.  We'll need it in the days leading up to Austin's graduation and now, more than ever, Friday night.

I was caught a bit off guard this morning when receiving a call from the high school.  They wanted to recognize Austin in some way at graduation and wanted our family to be a part of it.  I'm still not sure how to process it all.  Regardless of how we choose to remember Austin, it is going to be a night of needed prayers.  And I'm clinging to the faith that through it all we'll remain held.

"Asking for prayer, isn't meant to burden others.

It's about letting others share the path you were never meant to walk alone."