Just a Day

Mother's Day.

Two words that evoke so many emotions.  Immense joy...deep sorrow.

A day I looked forward to while carrying my firstborn.  My first Mother's Day would find me eight months pregnant.  Expectant with anticipation.

Now, it is a day I tiptoe through.

I awoke this morning to cloudy sunshine.  Overcast.

 Fitting, as it matches my feelings.

The joy I feel from being a mom, on this day especially, 

is overshadowed by the sorrow of losing a child.

Grateful for the 14 years I had with my firstborn but longing for more.

Blessed to be celebrating the 15th with my baby.

A mom torn, with a foot in both worlds.

Most days I can live in the present.  

Joyful for the moments of each day.

But this day forces me to pause, to remember, to think about what was gained

...and lost.

I tell myself, it's just a day.  A date on the calendar.  

But one of the hardest to face when you're missing a child.

On this day I'll allow myself tears for what was, for the memories treasured.

But I'll also welcome laughter and joy, thankful for the time that is now.

Today is just a day.

365 days a year for the past 20 years is my Mother's Day.

Every day I've been a mother has been a gift.

Not just today.

My greatest accomplishments in life call(ed) me Mom.

Prayers for those of you who...

have lost a child

longed for a child

are missing a child

May your heartache find some peace today.