Joy is possible

Over a decade ago, I started this blog in the hope of finding joy again. Feeling anything good because darkness surrounded me.

Losing my oldest son so unexpectedly ripped away any sign of joy in my life for a time.

Instead, I lived in a constant state of fear and grief.  Fear for my surviving son, as an unknown virus took his brother without warning. And grief, I learned quickly,  comes in all stages at once and backwards, not a perfect timeline as the list might indicate.

I yearned for normalcy. For the life we knew and loved. Even the hard days and the simple things we took for granted.

Instead, I was locked into a rollercoaster nightmare beyond my control. I couldn't sleep but when I did flashes of that night took over me. I lived my days on auto pilot but was very much in a state of shock.

The world is in a state of shock right now. Life as we all know it has been turned upside down. In the midst of a pandemic most of us are also dealing with everyday trials. And in addition to that the added stress and load that comes with unexpected change.

 Trouble didn't stop because of covid-19; in fact, it just inflated it.

If you were already dealing with marital issues, sickness, financial instability, or any number of things the pandemic has likely only increased it. And new stressors no one could have ever imagined like school and home offices existing in the same tiny spaces, or the sudden loss of multiple incomes in a family unit, or struggling  with food and personal care shortages.

Joy in the midst of all of this could seem almost laughable to some. Unfathomable to many.  Impossible to most.

But it is possible. What I learned in my grief journey is that joy is a choice. It is making the effort everyday to find even one glimmer of hope in the midst of darkness. It is opening yourself up the possibilities you never knew before. To learn that joy and sadness can coexist.  It doesn't happen overnight and some days are more of a struggle than others. But Joy can become a habit. It can become so common that you no longer have to search for it, it finds you.

 In an effort to bring a bit of good news and a source of hope in a world that is drowning I am going to start writing here again to share simple joys I find in every day. My prayer is that it helps you in some small way.

 I'm not sure how often I'll share but I will make an effort to do so regularly.  If it isn't enough for you feel free to browse the over a decade of material on the side bar.
Life is certainly different than when I wrote  before.  Currently I'm dictating this post from my phone so forgive the many errors.

Joyfully yours...

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

One of our favorite pastimes this summer has been heading a few blocks downtown to hear local talent play outdoors.  The concerts are free, which is an added bonus, but we just enjoy the atmosphere for an easy and enjoyable date night.

A side street is blocked off, nestling you between brick buildings that bounce the sounds of whatever style of music is offered each Friday night. 

The crowds have been small, the only disappointment, as we wish the community would support small-town efforts more.  But then again, not having to fight a crowd and feeling like you are attending an inclusive concert is also part of what makes it special.

We almost missed this past one, forgetting as it isn't an every week event.  On the way home from the movies, I received a notification reminder so we dropped in at the last minute.  Though I'm ever the planner, there is joy to be had in an impromptu outing.

Singing along with every tune, I began people watching and noticed a curly-headed toddler enjoying the show.  He was clapping and bouncing to the beat, oblivious of his cuteness or the attention he was drawing.  His enthusiasm was infectious and I soon found myself grinning ear to ear.

A bit later, another child a few steps up began to dance.  She twirled and rocked, waved her arms and jumped around happy as can be. 

Neither of these kids paid any mind to the people around them.  They didn't care what other's opinions might be.  They didn't worry if they looked silly or wore the right shirt.  They weren't distracted by anything and were fully present.  They simply found joy IN the moment. 

It was a pleasant reminder of true joy.  Joy unharnessed by any restrictions or rules.  Joy in just being.  We could learn a lot from a child...

Joy Drowning

Yesterday was one of those days. 

Waking up before dawn, to see our son off to work, we realized how nice it was outside.  Like unheard-of-June-nice.  Normally, summer mornings in Kentucky hit your face the moment you open the door.  But yesterday, it was surprisingly pleasant and we wanted to soak it up fully.

Sundays are normally short for us, as that begins Tim's work week.  After church and a nap to prepare for the night shift, we only get a few hours together. 

Taking advantage of the extra time, we opted to load up the boat and enjoy the morning on the water.  The river is my happy place, provided the weather cooperates.  I love to fish but not to sweat!  After we got settled in our spot, I actually felt we'd under-dressed, as it was a tad cool in the shade.  Unlike most boat outings, we began searching for sunny areas to fish.

Calm water, cool breeze, blue skies...the picture-perfect backdrop for our day date. 

Until it wasn't.

I'm terrified of snakes.  Like, change the channel if one is on tv, make a U-turn if one is the road, goosebump shivering kind of fear.  Years and years ago when we were dating (our first fishing date), a snake snuck into the car while we were unpacking.  On the ride home, what I first thought was a rolling Moutain Dew bottle, began to slither up between my legs.  Tim, thinking it was a bee (to which is he allergic), stopped the car, got out and left me inside!  Yes, I still married him anyway...he did eventually come to my rescue.

So anyway, since that day snakes and I are not friends.  And the boat, though I love it, causes me to see more snakes than I prefer.  A few years ago, we were boating and Tim says, "Heather, don't move."  Well, this sends me into a state of panic and I wind up face-planted in the bottom of the boat.  Since then he's learned better ways of warning me and, as long as I see them first and can keep my distance, I am somewhat ok.  Honestly, the past couple years the boys have been surprised at my calm composure.  In fact, I'd gotten so comfortable I could now turn my back to the water while fishing.

Which was the case yesterday, when I had my back at the bow of the boat, fishing off to my left.  Noticing movement at the side, my mouth caught up with my brain in time to say, "Snake!" as I stood.

Tim paused for a moment, probably wondering how I would react.  I stayed relatively calm until it started inching its way in what appeared to be an attempt to enter our boat.  Whacking the water with my pole, in an effort to scare it away only made it mad....or more curious.  It went under and back out, circling our boat and taunting me.  And then Tim shot it. 

Chair now turned around to the water, pole down, I was a bit unsettled.  My eyes kept scanning the water, heart racing each time a tree limb floated by.  Try as I may to shake the fear, it had returned with a vengeance.  Between that and the impending weather, we opted to turn in early.

On our way back, I mentioned to Tim that he needed to hit a bank for a potty break before we reached the boat dock (which no bathhouse exists).  Whether it was my nerves or lack of balance from a weak left side, I was more unsteady than usual as I raised up to prepare for a rest stop.  Wobbling, I could quickly tell I was about to go head first into the river.

What happened next was in slow-motion, both for me and hubby witnessing the ordeal.  Trying to catch my balance, I grabbed everything I could find, including my chair, which collapsed in the commotion.  Somehow, that process shot my phone out of the chair, over our heads, and into the river.  Clinging onto the side I watched my pink wallet case plop and sink out of reach. 

Jesus may have walked on water but listening to the church podcast on my phone, didn't keep it from sinking!

At this point, I'm sobbing, more from the shock of everything but also because the pain of my fall now caught up with me.  Somehow in trying not to fall, I probably hurt myself more.  Something hit my shin, of course in the leg I already have damage to, and I'm bruised all over.  But at this point, the scare of the snake, injury, and the realization that not just my phone but every card and ID I own is in the bottom of the river, broke me.

The only good that came from the escapade is that we made it back to the bank and into the truck just before a torrential storm hit.  Well, and that we'll have a funny story to share all summer.

I would include some great photos of Tim and me, the beautiful river and landscapes, as well as some awesome up-close pics I captured of a dragonfly who rested on my leg but, you know, they are a little wet...and lost!  Instead, I'll drop one that I posted that morning before the dunking. 

Yes, I get the irony.

Oh, and if you had my number, could you text me your name?  

Losing my contacts from the past decade has been rough...

but, it coulda been worse and there's always JOY to be found!

Weather You Like It Or Not

There's potential for another snowstorm this weekend.  Weather forecasts have gone from 18 inches to maybe just rain.  Such is life in Kentucky...

We just dug out from several inches and have endured bone-chilling temps most of January.  But the last weekend of the month smiled down on us with expected sunshine.  60 degrees this time of year is to be celebrated!


With hubby and I both off work Friday, we made the most of it and went backroading.  I wondered as we drove around strip pits and narrow gravel lanes with our sunroof open if people in other states enjoy this pastime.

Exploring is something we've always found joy in doing together. Even if it is familiar paths we've known our whole forever, there is bound to be new things to see.




And though I may be biased, there's nothing prettier than Kentucky landscapes, no matter the season.

Tim is used to me yelling out, "Stop!" as I spy something beautiful to capture.  He will slow down, back up, turn around or drive slowly until just the right spot.  He's such a patient man.  At least where I'm concerned.

He's been off work since the last snow due to hurting his back.  Sitting still is not an activity he enjoys but when your body says stop, you must listen.  Or pay the consequences.  He is learning this, slowly.

Anyway, the sunshine was a nice change to get him outdoors, which is his happy place.  And should the snow return, we'll venture out at least once to capture breathtaking views like these.

Weather, much like life, is unpredictable and nothing you do will stop or change it.

To remain joyful, you just have to learn to find the beauty in whatever comes.

August Joys with my Boys

August is in full swing and summer seems to be winding down.  There's something about the calendar change to this time of year, life gets busier and the last half goes much quicker than the first.

We've spent the past week getting our Junior ready for school.  That in itself seems unreal.  While his looks would pass for a college student, it seems he should still be the excited little boy awaiting his first bus ride.  Instead, he'll be driving himself to class this year.

This momma bear isn't sure how to process that just yet.  

We enjoyed our final "Mom & Son" date on Friday with lunch at our favorite sushi spot.  How I will miss those afternoons together!  Between school, his job, and the loss of our morning commute together, it'll take some creativity for quality time.  

Anyone want to teach me how to Snapchat?!

On Monday, I took a vacation day to finish shopping for what he needed.  As he has years past, my gentle giant was ever grateful and humble while browsing for clothes.  If he spied a price tag that seemed too hefty, he'd move on, whether he loved it or not.  I'd have to catch glimpses of his body language and use my sales experience to seal the deal, vowing use of a coupon to add it to our cart.

Somehow that didn't translate at the grocery store yesterday.  I should know better than to bring hungry boys, as there were lots of unnecessaries by the time we reached the register!  But Noah is such a hard working kid, who pays for so much of his own things, how could I deny him extra cans of Chunky soup and chocolate chip muffins for after school snacks.  And, of course, the perfect pack of mechanical pencils that "don't squeak" when he uses them.  

As our big boy headed to work, we got a call from my niece with an offer to watch her baby.  Well, maybe it was a request, but any time with that sweet boy seems like a reward!  His momma couldn't stay away too long but we loved seeing him for as long as he stayed.  Our doggies weren't quite sure how to react to someone so small.  Both were protective, though our smallest dog was just rather curious.  Ross, on the other hand, would sulk at the outline of his tummy time blanket and then slowly army creep closer to him.  Once his head could reach Isaiah's feet, he was content.  

The rest of Saturday was spent with my sweetie.  With the heat, we've pretty much retreated to the house and stayed lazy.  He did however move long enough to relocate from his recliner to sit by me on the couch.  Love his heart, he didn't complain about watching a romantic comedy either.  Afterward we flipped between the Olympics and crime dramas.  Hearing him mention steak earlier in the day, I made sure my grocery cart contained all the fixing for a "fancy supper" at home. We almost settled outdoors to eat but even with the sun setting the humidity was too much.  Besides, how often can you watch volleyball live in Rio and eat a steak dinner?

But the simplest joy I tucked away from yesterday was holding hands with my hubby.  I love how we still enjoy and want to be close when together.  I noticed that both of us would search the other one out, if we moved or shifted positions during the movie.  

Yes, I even broke our tech free rule to sneak a pic.

I'm thankful to have lingered through a slow Saturday, as I don't see many lazy days of summer left. This girl is ever-ready for fall and all that comes with it but I sure found lots of joy in doing much of nothing yesterday with my boys.  Welcome August, whatever joys may come....

Day 29: Blogiversary

Six years ago, God woke me from the middle of the night and set me at our living room computer.  He whispered that I needed to search for joy and thus, this blog was born.  Sitting here tonight, thinking back on the journey and how far He's brought me is surreal.

Reading my first post after beginning this challenge, I wrote about the hope that this became my way of viewing life.  Although I am sure there are days I complain way more than pause to appreciate, overall this challenge has changed me for the better.  Rather, He's changed me.  And for a mom who was spirtually spiraling, I am eternally grateful.

Today I expected to be difficult.  Last night's emotions, though somewhat valid considering the flash floods we've endured, was in no doubt due to the anxiety of Friday.  For weeks I've known that this afternoon would be spent in a mandatory CPR training for work.

One might find it strange that a training meant to help prepare you to save someone's life would cause and emotional upset but, when you've lost a child, you are not in control of triggers.  Two years ago when taking this class, I did not expect the flood of memories that came with seeing CPR.  Without warning, I was drug back to that horrible night in the woodline by our house.   And with each count and push, my mind flashed to my husband performing it on our son.  Hours later, I left the training, crawled into bed and wept.

So today was met with much apprehension.

As with most Fridays, the morning began in Bible study and we wrapped up the final lesson in our book.  The exercises this week were somewhat a struggle, having to ask myself who I didn't care about, who I didn't take the time to see in this world. Those whose names I do not know.  The video summarized my earlier questions and shone light on the fact that, while I like to think I care about everyone, my actions don't always follow through.

This afternoon, watching the CPR training video, God helped distract the painful flashes that began to come by revealing more about seeing people with his eyes.

In one scene, an emergency worker is responding to unconcious male behind the wheel.  The first thing she does is ask his name, to the daughter distraught on the sidelines.  As she approaches him, she uses his name.  She's rendering aid he needs to live and begins with knowing his name.

The parallel helped me push away the nightmare of that night and focus on the future.

How many people do I cross every single day that I often don't take the time to see?  Do I pause to lock eyes with the cashier giving me my change?  The man beside me in traffic?  The tired mom shopping in the aisle?  The family behind me at church?

How often am I wrapped up so much in my day, my life that I forget every moment is His?  Who is desperately waiting for the first-aid that can bring them eternal life but I don't take the time to even know their name?

This may seem a somewhat heavy post for a topic about joy but truly, what is joy if it isn't shared?  And I can think of no other joy better to give away.

Thank you, Lord, that six years later you've not only restored my joy but you've helped me have a heart for sharing it with others.  Take my life and let it be yours....

31 days of JOY

July marks the 6th anniversary for this little blog.  Wow!

I can vividly recall being bolted from bed in the middle of the night to begin this journey.  Never would I have imagined, as I began typing then, where it would take me.  Or how much this blog would change me.  Save me, really.

At the time, our family felt void of joy and the thought of writing about it daily was scary.  What if I couldn't find joy every day?

But God told me to search for it and I obeyed.  As always, He delivered.

What I learned is that joy cannot be present without God.  It has very little to do with circumstances and everything to do with attitude.  Which explains how despite the pain I felt in losing my son, I could still search and find joy.  Every day.

In the beginning, I challenged myself to write about it daily.  That simple exercise forever changed me.  Much like the gratitude challenge I do every Thanksgiving, acknowledging each day's blessings can only ever bring good.  Documenting it, in this virtual joy journal, has truly been therapy.  

But as I realized a few days ago, I've slacked in this exercise.  "Life" has gotten in the way so I'm bringing back the challenge to celebrate our 6th year together.

31 days of JOY!

The anticipation for today's joy was great.  I would say that is what kept me up all night, but instead it was a belly ache.  The down side is it caused me to miss my weekly morning Bible study.  The up side is I finished the last season of Gilmore Girls.  Yes, I cried.

Anyhow, I tumbled out of bed much later than planned and somewhat grumpy to start my first joyful day of July.  I'd taken vacation time for an extended weekend and was having a pity party that it might be spent ill.

As I doctored myself with essential oils and settled into the living room, the door knob jingled.

My head went through the possibilities, clearly it was someone I knew (I hoped) since they intended to walk right in without knocking.  There's only a handful of people in our family that do so.  But I had extra security latches on, as hubby was away all week traveling for work.

Ross, our dog, and I both realized who it was at the same time.  Hubby was home early!  We raced each other to the door and fought for hugs.  Knowing I would worry while he drove home from little sleep and lots of overtime, he decided to skip the nap and surprise me.  What a welcome one it was!

As he settled in to catch up on some sleep, Noah finally stirred awake and was ready for our weekly Friday outing.  Though my tummy was still not 100% ready for adventure, we set out anyway.  There's only so many Fridays left in the summer after all.

We opted to include Mom on our trip, since it was her birthday weekend.  And because I knew our location was one she'd never been but always wanted to try.  Noah couldn't believe she'd never experienced a burger from a nearby Dairy Freeze.

"How has she lived this long and not ever had one!" he exclaimed.

He then smiles at thinking how many firsts he's helped her experience this week.  A few days prior he'd taken her out for a Mamaw lunch, with him in the driver's seat.  She didn't know anything of the agenda and was just along for the ride.  They had a really good time together, so he was excited for the fun to continue.

Along the way, I remembered her messaging this week about her worry ring breaking.  A local artist makes them, each one unique, with tiny beads that roll when you touch them.  The idea is that when you find yourself worrying, you can gently roll the beads and say a prayer.  (Kind of like a rosary for your fingers, although we're not Catholic.)  But it brought mom comfort so I knew we needed to get her another.  As we drove to pick her up, we devised a plan.

Arriving at the burger joint, mom is distracted by the menu options and picking on me for wearing a holey tshirt.  It's my longest living shirt, well over 20 years old, and has become quite thread-bare.  I wear it as a PJ top and didn't think about having it on, because initially I'd had no plans of getting out of the car.  But with the weather nice and mom along for the meal, we'd opted to eat outside at their picnic spot.  The friendly bickering was enough for me to pass off her gift to Noah for the presentation.

As he brings our burgers and shakes, mom spies the ring attached to her straw.  I wish that we'd taken a photo of her expression because it was priceless.  She was speechless, touched and tickled.  It's one milkshake she'll always remember.  And an impromptu birthday excursion that brought me a lot of joy sharing it with her.

Manic Monday...

I've been rained on.  Stood up.  Ignored.  And made two trips to work this morning back to back.  Yep, that'd be my Monday, folks.

Worst part, I've had this Monday all weekend. As in a nothing-is-happening-like-I've-planned-it day.  On repeat.

Now, I could get really grumpy, stomp around, and have every right to be upset.  But that's just not how I roll.  Well... most days at least!

As my shoes were squishing down the hall, the results from a rainy day of home visits, I had to chuckle.  The song "Manic Monday" was literally streaming in my head and I realized this has been life for the past few days.

Friday was a rare full day off for me, a result of working many late nights.  Though I daydreamed about what I'd do, being woke up at 5:30 from the sound of hammers on the roof wasn't what I envisioned.  This was my alarm clock all weekend.  But with each clang, peck, and knock, I did lift up thankfulness that it was being fixed.  And considering the rain we've had today, the timing was perfect!

Saturday my hubby was up bright and early, not just due to the roofers, but because he'd planned a fishing day with a friend.  I had him packed, fed, and waiting at the table when he got the text.  Cancellation.  Deflated, he made a few attempts at some stand-in buddies but had no luck.  Since my plans for the day had also been altered, I decided it was just meant for us to go together.

We haven't had hardly any fishing time this season since it's been more monsoon than our normal humid Kentucky summer.  And because it was just the two of us, we decided it would be a good time to see if your newest dog would enjoy traveling by boat.  He loves to go "bye-bye" but he was a little unsure of our rocky departure.  Tim had to pick him up and hoist him onto the bow.

After a few minutes of settling into a spot, I glanced down and noticed more water than usual in our well.  Questioning Tim, he turns on the bilge pump but nothing happens.  At this point, the theme song for JAWS is entering my brain and I'm on full blown survival mode, wishing we were on the other side of the river, since that's the side we're parked on, and wondering how many laps it'll take to get all the way back to the truck should we sink.  But on the outside I'm calm and cool as a cucumber, both for my hubby's benefit and for our dog.  I don't want him traumatized on his first voyage!

Long story short, we end our fishing trip and head home, as Tim ventures out for boat supplies to correct the problem.  He said later he was glad I went though because he doubted that two guys would've even realized it, until their ankles were wet and they were going under.

And Sunday continued, in less exciting changes to our plans.  From the boat to last night, I sat in awe of Tim's attitude through it all.  Several years ago, even one of these would've sent us spiraling into a bad mood.  There might've been cussing, or stomping, or throwing.  (I'll be kind and not share which would do what.)

Today, dripping wet from being caught in a downpour, I was grateful my instinct was to sing a happy little tune and find the humor in the moment rather than let it drown my day.

Happiness is dependent on our circumstances, 

JOY is not.

Joy Jumble

Maybe I've been too busy SOARing this week, folks, because here it is Friday and I've not even thought about a post!

Today's collection will most certainly be a jumbled mess but it's a snapshot of the joys that have come my way.

Sunday school with my momma.  church potluck.  scripture challenge.

Our family is memorizing a scripture a month this year.  January is Proverbs 6:16-19.  It's brought lots of unexpected chats with the teens about God.  We hung it on the frig so everyone is sure to see it and "drill" each other when driving or hanging out at the house.

A sweet surprise from a dear friend, dropped off on my desk at work.

 

Look close, it is a tiny blue butterfly pin.

A midweek lunch with my favorite little.

And old home videos restored to dvd.

Noah and I are watching our Jamaican vacation from 06' now.

If you can see from the picture, I had our last day with Austin put on dvd. 

We'd filmed them putting up the tree and decorations, as we always did.

Haven't built up the strength for that one but grateful we can watch when we're ready.

For now, I'm off to begin the birthday weekend celebrations for Noah's 15th.

Take care, friends, and may much JOY come your way!

Tuesday Tidbits

Ever had a day where you just smile on the inside?
Where...you can't quite say why, but it is just a good-good day?

That's been the case round' here lately.

This afternoon, windows down and radio on high, hair blowin' through the breeze, I looked up at the pale blue sky and fluffy white clouds and smiled at God.  Gratitude for the simpleness, the good, the joy, for no reason other than it was here and I was glad.

I love days like that.  When you've had your share of rainy days, sunshine soothes the soul!

And I'm not talking the yellow ball in the sky here, folks, although it has been amazingly nice for July.
Like uncommonly mild temps for this time of year.  In fact, last night as we were lingering outside on the deck, I had to pull a blanket over my legs.  Crazy to be cold in the middle of summer!

All the worries of the world just melt away here!

It was just so nice to sit outside on a July night and not be dripping in sweat.  Most of the summer, you'll usually find me retreating indoors.  I'm a wimp, I admit it.  My hubby knows I'm usually only interested in fishing at the start and end of the season.  Because this chick just doesn't do sweaty.  It doesn't agree with my personality.  So to find autumn-like weather in what should be sweltering summer puts this girl in a pretty good mood.

But it's not the weather that has me smiling.

It's the plateau.


Life is full of valleys and mountains.  Peaks and lows.  Although I do rather enjoy the highs, I'm even more content when there is a lull.  No excitement, no flash.  I'll take good ole' routine any day.

Here's a few of my favorite simple moments this month that have brought me joy...

Black Cherry and Chocolate snow cones.  Yum!

Austin's memorial tree has bloomed beautifully for his birthday month.

The kids have actually been requesting "tech free" and asked to play games instead.  Love!

And we welcomed a new fur baby into our home.
Meet Dewey "Roscoe" Blair.  He's so happy he smiles!

Oh, Happy Day!

What makes you happy?

If you were to think back through the course of your day, what moments stood out?  What made you smile? What brought you JOY?

Can you find happiness in every day?

What about for 100 days?

Focusing on the joy of each day is what inspired this blog, so I was elated to see a similar challenge in my news feed today.  The test - to simply post a photo of something every day for 100 days that makes you happy.

Of course I accepted!

You can follow my photos here or here, if you aren't already secretly stalking me.  But, I'd love to see you get involved too.  You can choose any outlet to post your 100 days of pictures or you can keep it private.  If you post, be sure to include the #100happydays to join in the joyful fun.  And if you take the challenge, I'd love to hear from you.  (There's a handy little comment box at the bottom of all these posts)

Thinking of "100 days" takes me back to my boys in elementary school.  Did yours ever celebrate the 100th day of school?  I remember so many last minute, "Mom! I need a white T-shirt tonight so I can make a 100 days shirt!"  And the race to Wal-Mart and raiding of the craft bucket and pantry to complete.  I'm pretty sure the glue gunned Fruit Loops spelling out 1-0-0 never all survived the trip to school.  But, oh, the memories of making them.

If I could photograph the flashbacks of my mind, I'd include that as a #100happydays pic.  Guess that's a smile I'll keep tucked in my heart - and a reason to seek out another joy to share!