Faithful Friday: When Life is Hard

Sometimes in life things happen that can't be explained.
Sometimes, life just isn't fair.

We live this reality every. single. day. in the loss of our first son.

Throughout our somewhat still-young life, we've had more than our share of heartaches.  At many points, we've felt like we were being tested.  Sometimes, you can't help but ask why?

And I know many of you, who come each week, have your share of burdens and brokenness.  For those, my heart goes out to you.  I lift up prayers for my readers and share in your hurt.

But we can't dwell and linger on past pains.  Even in our situation, it is a delicate line we walk - in remembering our son but still moving forward.

Moving past the pain and into the next phase is sometimes among the most difficult parts of healing. For when you move forward, guilt arrives.

Sadly, for some, they never transition beyond the crisis.  Whatever happened in life that slammed on the cruel brakes has forever suspended them.  They can't imagine anything else so they just stay - locked inside the darkness and pain.

For the "Why did this happen?" questions in life, I want you to know I don't have those answers. Sometimes, truly, there is no answer.  And often, even if we had one, it wouldn't take the pain away.

Yet, I want you to know there IS an answer to whatever trial you're facing.
But it is one I can't easily explain.

If I had a dollar for every time someone has said, "I don't know how you do it/You're so strong/I could never survive something like that," I'd be writing this post from some fancy beach resort.

Do you know what I say to them, every time?

I didn't do anything.  God did.  I'm weak, God is strong.

As I've shared so many times on this blog, He is the only answer I can give you for how I'm not just surviving but thriving through this journey.  With each and every blow life has handed me through the years, He has been the constant.  Though I'm rarely at a loss for words, with this - it is just difficult to share the how and why.

The short answer, I guess, is that I have faith.  Faith is something that has grown in me because of those difficult moments.  Faith is something that has always existed within me but comes more and more with time.

Faith is the substance of hope, the conviction of things not seen, 

and accepts even that which appears unreasonable.

The hurts we've experienced have, at times, been unimaginable pain.  There were points we felt like there was no way out.  No hope.  No future.  No joy that would ever come from it.

But blessings have come, from every situation, every painful moment, every loss.  

Sure, sometimes they may not seem to equal out.  A small moment of joy or the gift of a blessing may not stand up against the mountain you are facing.  And you may still feel like it isn't fair, or that you've been shorted in this life.

Again, all I can say is that there is more.  Some day.  On the horizon.  There is hope.  

One day, you won't even look back because the view looking forward is one you never even imagined.

Keeping the faith until that One Day is here for us all.....

Faithful Friday: No Words

I posted a sentence yesterday on social media that came to me, after talking to someone who is (and has been) going through an extremely difficult year. 

"The true test of our faith isn't when life is good, 

it's when life is falling apart and we're on our knees."  

#praiseHiminthestorm

Little did I know that moments later I would be on my own knees.  
A crumpled mess on the floor, praying incomprehensibly.

"In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should,  but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."  Romans 8:26

On my lunch hour, and reading my Bible, I see a call come in from Tim.  We often check in on each other's day, so no other thought came to mind when I answered hello. Knowing my impending reaction, he did an amazing job staying calm while talking to me.  I don't remember much about the conversation other than the scary bits which stood out, shook me to the core, and brought uncontrollable sobs from within me.

"on my way to pick up Noah"
                                                      "with school nurse"
                                                                                            "lost consciousness"

Tim tried to console me, assuring me Noah was alert and ok, and that he'd call me back.  All I know is that in those moments I was pulled straight to five years ago.  Flashbacks that haven't attacked me for some time came flooding through.  

This season is all too familiar with painful memories.  Though I love fall, the changing trees are a signal that November is around the corner.  Of reliving the unimaginable.  Of life spiraling.

Noah's looks have changed as he's grown, matured.  He is one year from the age Austin was when we lost him.  So many similarities just in the physical sense.  

In other ways too, like how even as teenagers they'd both flock to babies.  

Austin with Allen - Oct 2008

Noah with Rae - Aug 2013

Walking beside Noah and holding his arm to stabilize him at the doctor, more flashes and glimpses.  Noah's face was flushed, his cheek with streaks of red.  ...that face, heart wrenching memories.

His body language spoke volumes, hands shaking from the unknown, heart racing, timid steps.  Noah was scared and I was reminded to push all my pain and nightmares to the side, to help calm him.  Mom couldn't crumple.  Mom could only comfort and pray.  And dispatch prayers from loyal warriors on the ready with the sending of a text.  

For what seemed an eternity later, the answer was somewhat consoling, though full details are still uncertain.  What we think happened, is that Noah hit his knee in the booth at lunch, sending a pain signal so severe that caused him to faint.  We've had some conflicting stories from students who witnessed his fall, which only causes this momma to worry more, but I'm trying to give it to God.

There's no real explanation for why these things happen, and to most it would probably be just an interesting story to share.  For this family, who has lived the unimaginable, it hit a little too close to home.  It was yet another reminder of our longing for the Home in which pain will no longer be a factor.  Where fear is no more.

^"In the same way, we can see and understand only a little about God now, as if we were peering at his reflection in a poor mirror; but someday we are going to see him in his completeness, face-to-face. Now all that I know is hazy and blurred, but then I will see everything clearly, just as clearly as God sees into my heart right now." 1 Corinthians 13:12(TLB)

And that's the only comfort I can share with a handful of families who've been in my constant prayers this year.  There's no explanation for why they are going through the tumultuous season they are.  I can't say why bad things happen to good people.  I only know that in those moments when you feel God is turning against you, when you're angry, when you can't make sense of life, He is never closer.  He has never stopped loving you.  And He ultimately wants only the best for you.  His timing just sometimes can't be explained in this world.  

Whatever you're facing, it is temporary, difficult as it may be.  
It may feel like never-ending pain.

Yearn for the eternal.  Lean on Him.  He will hold you through this storm...