Day 18: Just Joy

Eight years ago today, we were wrapping up an amazing vacation in Florida.

Sunshine and the sea.  Family photos on the beach.  The perfect ending to a week we'd always remember.  When I look back on those smiling faces, I think about how much has changed since then.

While posing for those photos, none of us had any idea that would be our last vacation with Austin.  Never would I have imagined that his first trip to Pensacola would be the only one he'd ever take.

None of us really ever knows when our last moment with someone we love will be.  And in this broken world we live in, it seems the unimaginable becomes reality day after day.

Time is precious.  Life is short and can change in an instant.  This we know.

And that can be heavy to carry around.

So can seeing past photos of someone you no longer have in the present. When those memories hit your phone first thing in the morning, one never really knows where it will take them.  There was a time that seeing Austin's face would've flooded me with more emotions than I could handle.  Perhaps it would have sent me to the floor in tears, cancelled the plans I had for the day, or set a mood across the house I could not shake.

Even now, there's a piece of my heart that twinges.  More of it is filled with love of the moment and of seeing his smile, but I think no matter how much time passes a part of you will always hurt and grieve for what was lost.

But I'm grateful that most days joy fills more of me than sorrow.

Happiness depends on circumstances, joy depends on God.

I'm a little over the halfway point in this 31 day challenge.  This afternoon I paused, wondering what exactly to write about.  It was just a very ordinary day.  There were glimmers of good news, smiles shared, a spontaneous family moment, but for the most part it was just a day.  And while it was good, and joy was present, it doesn't give much to write about it.  Even for a girl where words come easy.

Yet, as I ponder about that, I realize how very precious it is that I'm in this place.  Where joy can just be.  The more you chase after joy, the more it settles within you.  God puts it there, I have no doubt.  And I'm content that nothing extraordinary can happen but joy can still be present.  Especially when I was once at a place where I felt joy would never exist again.

There have been a few people on my heart today that I can see joy isn't present.  For a girl who is all about sharing joy, it tugs at me and makes me wish I could just grab up some of mine and give it to them.  While happiness is contagious, joy is something internal.  It has to be wanted to grow.  Maybe for some the clouds are so dark they can't see the light that comes with seeking joy.  But that is my prayer.

If that is where you are, please know that I have walked on that same scary, dark path.  In the place where joy is void.  Where even breathing takes effort.  Where the pain of grief is physical.  Where the weight of no joy feels crushing.

Where even reading about someone finding joy made me angry.  Impossible...

Or so it seemed.  However, here I am, the one writing about it.  On a path where joy is ever-present. Where breathing is a privilege.  Where pain is temporary.  Where worries are lifted.  Where anger is replaced with laughter.

And if I made it through to the other side, you can too.  Just seek it.  Will it.  Pray it back into your life.  Joy will return.

When it does a simple, nothins special, regular Monday will feel pretty glorious just because joy was there.

Day 10: Joy comes in the Morning

It's a somber day in our community, as we're collectively grieving the loss of another life cut short too soon.  A young mother, my age, taken by cancer.  And yesterday, multiple lives taken in a crash on a road we drive each and every day.

Death on the heels of a nation still reeling from unnecessary violence and innocent lives taken in the line of duty.

A weeping world in which we live.

In loss that doesn't make sense, it can seem difficult to know what to say or do.  Sometimes there aren't words to express or convey to cover the pain.

I've been on the stinging side of pain and know that sometimes words are the worst things someone can share.  When you've been forced to say goodbye too soon, some phrases bring the opposite of comfort.

"Everything happens for a reason"

or

"They're in a better place"

or 

"God needed another angel"

or

"God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

Because in great loss, you don't care what the reasons were.  And sometimes, often, life gives us more than we can handle.

I remember shortly after Austin passed I came across the scripture from Psalm 30:5 and how it angered me.  At the time, joy seemed impossible.  Forbidden even.  In the depths of my pain I couldn't imagine how joy would ever be in my world again.  Joy in the morning, when all I felt was darkness...

The first time I laughed after, almost by accident, as it escaped out of my mouth before I could stop it.  I paused, quickly drew a breath back in, unsure what would happen next.  But I don't recall the second time laughter came.  Or the next.  Slowly, joy just began to seep back into our lives.

This morning we went to the place where Joy is always flowing, our church.

Six years ago, God stirred within me the desire to seek joy.  He sent me on a journey to not just find it, but share that joy with others.  And in doing so, he's given me purpose through the pain.  He's taught me that weeping does endure but eventually joy returns.

Joy comes in the morning, even if it is on the other side of eternity.

After church we returned home to huddle close, hibernate and hug those we love most.  Though we'd had tentative plans and even invitations to leave, staying home just felt necessary today.  We shared a big family meal and lingered a few hours at the table playing cards.  By games end, we were laughing so hard we're not even sure who won.  But it didn't matter.

For a moment, all was right in this world.  We were happy, healthy and together.  For this momma, that always brings me joy.

Prayers of peace that passes understanding for all those hurting tonight.  And in the days to come.

Restored

My soul has been praying for restoration for our family for many years.  Perhaps from the moment of losing my oldest son.

In the depths of chaos and unimaginable grief, even in those first hours, I knew peace and restoration from God would be the only way we would survive.  Back then, I tucked the hope for being restored deep within my heart, for I was hurt and scared -even mad at God- and unsure if He'd ever answer another prayer of mine.

For those early years, we were held together only by His grace, but slowly, piece by piece, I began to see signs of being restored.

Our family laughed again.  The dark cloud that consumed my husband was showing signs of light.  Fear began to give way from my youngest son's eyes.  Joy was returning.

It was a gradual change.  A see-saw of emotions at times.  While we experienced some highs, in looking back, it felt like the wind was knocked out of us again and again, year after year.  Every time we'd glimpse a peek of mountain tops, we'd come crashing back down with a new blow.  The last couple of years were unexpectedly rough, for very different reasons, but again we saw our family being torn apart before we could return together whole.


In the midst of that new grief, my prayer became a constant, louder whisper from within my heart.

Restore us, God.  Restore.

Not just in our family of three but within the circles of others we loved.  So many breaks and fractures since losing Austin, perhaps all in some way connected.  Some from poor choices in grief, some from a lifetime of mistakes.  But I knew that the only way we could ever be whole again, even if patched together, would be by the hand of God.

Though God led me to choose "Forward" as my word for 2016, the underlying theme has always been restoration.  Forward was just where He wanted me to look.  To let go of hurts from the past and see the good He has in store.

Restore has been my prayer, from my seat in church, in my bed, hands locked with my husband and knees bent.

All of this came swirling around me upon our entrance to the Women of Joy conference last month.  Though I'm sure at some point I heard or saw the theme of WOJ, it didn't resonate until that very moment.  As I looked down at the pamphlet in my trembling hand and saw the screens in the distance, it was as if God himself was revealing the message.  Immediately a sense of peace about the weekend -and all that is to come- washed over me.

God is so good.

He has restored our brokenness.  He has calmed our storms.  He has promised good to come.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation 

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:12

Faithful Friday: Thanksgiving

Happy belated Thanksgiving!  Knowing the week I would have, this post was started early, something I don't normally do.  I put the finishing details on it this morning, complete with coffee and PJs.  My hope is that your bellies and hearts are full by the time this reaches you.

Our Thanksgiving day was spent serving, a fairly new tradition our family started a few years ago.  As usual, God had great things in store for this year's event.  In the midst of the organized chaos, He never ceases to amaze me how it works out perfectly.  As the drivers were dispatched, trays of turkey and dressing in hand, calls began to come in.  "Where is this street? GPS can't find it."  And unexpectedly, "I have the same list as someone else!"  -oops.

The best message though came from a driver who shared that at his last stop, the lady answered and told him someone had already been there.  (Not the duplicate list mentioned above!)  As he was about to leave, she shared that her two sons were on their way.  As it so happened, two meals were what he had left.  I double checked all the routes and the lady was only listed on his.  Most certainly a God thing!

Thanksgiving had been a particularly difficult holiday for us, as it was our last one with Austin.  As such, there's a lot of painful - and bittersweet emotions around this day.  The first Thanksgiving without him I just wanted to ignore and avoid.  It was a welcome change and a perfect fit for a family focused on RAKs in the month of November to be a part of delivering meals to those in need.

Of course, with this new tradition, I no longer cook a big meal to have family over.  Instead, we eat lunch with the volunteers that day.  In some ways I miss it, but knowing how special our last get together was, which happens to also be my most popular post, gives me comfort in how it ended.  Time changes things and God has a purpose in it all.

The week will still be peppered with family, beginning with a Wednesday meal at my niece's (so strange to see her all grown up and hosting!), a visit at my grandma's, and ending with our own little turkey meal at home.  A new-to-Tina activity will be a night at the Shriner's circus, thanks to this girl winning tickets on the radio.  We haven't gone since the boys were little.  She is super excited and I'm thrilled to share this experience with her.  An added bonus is that my mom, sister and her littles will be joining us.

Folded in will be lots of Random Acts of Kindness as we wind down to Austin's Heaven-anniversary. We've done RAKs throughout this month but tomorrow will be the big day, complete with our favorite tradition, the Reverse Shopping Spree and a new one, backpacks for foster kids.  

Though we may do better year to year, prayers are still appreciated.  Keeping our minds busy doesn't take away the tug in our hearts.

Truly though, when I think back to those first holidays after losing him, it is amazing the healing that God has brought to our family.  I remember the broken, being lost in the darkness and depth of grief, and wondering if the pieces would ever come together again.

We will never have a day that we don't miss Austin but the pain, most days, does ease over the years.  And for that I am ever-thankful to my God.  He has returned JOY to us, even in the midst of our loss.

The Firsts of Fall...

 There's been a crispness in the air this week.

And though the fall season will always be bittersweet, filled with memories and nightmares, I'm clinging to the good that comes.

Because JOY shines a light upon darkness and shrinks its power.

This past weekend was a whirlwind.  The type where you go-go-go and hardly have a chance to catch your breath.  My cupboards are bare and the house is a mess but, oh the fun we've had.

Friday night found us at the football field to watch our girl dance.  We've only had two home games so far this year.  The first was sweltering, even with the sun down.  This past was the extreme opposite.  Hubby and I snuggled under a blanket, side by side, and shared our first-first of fall.

A caramel. apple. funnel. cake.

Yes, can we please take two of my favorite things and mash them together?  It was heavenly!
Sharing it with my sweetie though made it even better.

We arrived home to a cool house and fell asleep to the crickets and a breeze blowing through our bedroom windows.  One of my very favorite things about the season.

Saturday morning, though my bones wanted to remain snug in the bed, they were drug out early for a jam-packed day.  Over the course of 12 hours we'd watch two soccer games with lots of smiles & giggles from the littles, a family reunion, complete with a low country boil, a birthday party, a movie marathon for the kids, and an evening out for adults with our Lifegroup, which included time at a barn and gathered round a bonfire.

We hugged.  We laughed.  We prayed.  And, of course, we ate!

Here's a snapshot view of my first fall weekend.

breakfast of Champions

 

Redneck Choo-choo Train

Hello Fall!

For a regular dose of joyful pics, follow me on Instagram.

Cloudy Days

One of my fears in starting this blog was wondering if I'd be able to truly find joy each and every day.  When you're in the midst of grief from child loss, some days seem too grey to see any sunshine.  With this journey though, I knew bad days were expected.  I knew tears would come.  I knew pain would be present.  I also knew joy was possible and that happiness is present in every situation if you look deep enough.  Knowing all the bad forced me to push forward and search for the good.

Some days, I'll admit it comes easy.  Joy appears to me as a gift and words flow out for me to share with others.  Some days my "cup runneth over" and I have to actually choose which joy to write about.  Those are blessed days.  An overabundance of joy makes up for the gloomy days child loss brings.  It doesn't take away the pain, the heartache, or the tears, but knowing sunshine will appear again helps you get through it.

Yesterday was one of those days, and it was unexpected, which is always the hardest to handle.  When anniversaries or special occasions appear on the calendar, I can brace myself, somewhat prepare for what I know will come.  The date gives me permission to sink and release.  When it's unplanned, it hits you suddenly, as if being punched in the stomach. 

It was something so simple, yet very complex.  A single sentence that changed my afternoon.  Feeling as if the wind had been knocked out of me, I stumbled.  The day spiraled, as if in slow motion, while in reality life continued at full speed.  It was a sentence I've prepared myself in my mind for many times and answered it beautifully but always seem to fail once the words reach my mouth.

Meeting someone for the first time, the inevitable question of "do you have children?" appeared.  I froze, though words flowed immediately, almost without my permission.  For such a short sentence it requires so much and I never know quite how to answer it.  I've been blunt, I've been vague, I've held information, and in the end nothing ever feels right.  Yesterday, my sentences ("I have an 11 year old son, recently gained custody of my 12 year old niece and...") were cut short with revealing additional new information of our "child status" and so I felt unfinished.  It just never opened back up for me to say, "and a child in Heaven who would be 17".

Most of the time I say "I have two boys" and hope they leave it there.  Depending on my ability, I sometimes share more, but tears don't always listen to the off switch I've demanded.  Location sometimes forces my answer because I prefer to not have a mental breakdown in the middle of complete strangers.  Those days, my heart breaks all over again.  It's a tug-o-war within your soul, struggling to know which way to go.  If you share it all, you're both left uncomfortable.  If you hold back, you feel guilt in what could appear to be "forgetting" your lost child.  There's just no easy answer.

And so last night was a difficult one.  I fought with myself for hours about what I said, what I should have said, could have done.  How easy life would be if it had a virtual delete, backspace, or fast forward button.  But there are no re-do's.  So, I dealt with the consequences.  I closed up.  I pushed through.  I cried.  I attempted to function in front of the family, and when all else failed, I went to bed early.  I allowed myself to let go.  It was an evening of sadness and this morning has had hints of the same, as I replay the events of yesterday. 

With each word I write today though, a little more of the pain melts off.  Each paragraph allows me to process, deal with it, learn from it, and move forward.  Though rainclouds are in the sky this morning and the forecast calls for rain, my internal radar says there's sun somewhere.  I will find it....today...tomorrow...and for days to come because I have hope, because I know Austin would want that, and because I know God holds my hand each step of this complicated journey called grief.

Sweet Stalkers

Share my soul over a cup of coffee?  Probably not.  Share my life's story in written form?  Absolutely.  It's always been easiest for me to communicate in writing, so posting to a blog was a natural progression.  As I've mentioned before in a previous posts, starting this blog was initially selfish.  It was a transition from the memorial blog I started for Austin.  I needed something to drive and push me daily to seek joy, when my life was surrounded by complete sadness.

It's been a little over a year and what this blog has brought me has been beyond my expectations.  Aside from the healing aspects - and I do believe challenging myself to write and recognize the joy in every day, has done just that, I've gained so much more.  This blog has given me a new purpose; it has opened my mind to accepting growth from life's challenges.  It's connected me to Austin in a deeper way than I could've imagined and I know with each post he is smiling down on me.

But the sweetest surprise?  My readers.  ...YOU!  What I wasn't prepared for was the outpouring of support that you have given me.  I never in my wildest dreams thought readers from all points of the Earth would find their way to this little blog.  And for those of you regular visitors, my heart is touched.  That you would find inspiration, encouragement, and JOY by reading, means more to me than words can express.  Some of you openly "stalk" me...and I love you for it!  Some of you are sneaky.  I've received anonymous cards, concert tickets, and other trinkets along the way.  This morning, I found a coffee cup with the word "JOY" etched across it filled with peanut M&Ms.  How special for those of you who go out of your way to bring me added joy! 

Just knowing that someone out there looks forward to the posts as much I do, is the biggest dose of JOY one could receive.  Thank you!  I'm sending each of my special readers one giant virtual hug.  May your days be filled with more joy than you can handle!

Happy Blog Birthday!

Happy 1st Birthday, Joyful Blog!  I was on vacation during the celebratory landmark and nearly overlooked it.  Truly, I'm amazed a year has passed and that I've stuck with writing, though not every single day as first intended.  If you're a regular reader, thank you for the support and words of encouragement.  Each time I hear from someone, I'm touched that they take the time to read.  If you're new, welcome and thanks for stopping by.  My hope is that each post can bring a blessing to those who read it, as just by sharing it I am blessed.  Opening myself up to recognizing the joy in every day has uplifted my soul and changed my life.

The idea of this blog pulled me from my bed in the middle of the night.  I couldn't go back to sleep until the thoughts were out of my head and on the screen.  Having written on the blog I started in memory of Austin, since the first of 2009, I could feel it coming to a close.  Hours of writing the pages, which poured out of me that year and a half after losing him, filled hundreds of posts.  It was my mission to share his story from beginning to end so that everyone who came upon it would know my son.  It was therapy for me, healing me a bit with each word.  Even though I will never stop telling Austin's story and sharing his legacy, I felt the need to move forward and do more.

But how could I honor his memory and still go on with my life?  It didn't seem right, for laughter or happiness to be where Austin wasn't.  Guilt followed those early glimpses of joy.  And then something - or a special someone from above - tugged at my heart and led me on this path.  Not only would I seek out joy, but I would accept it, gratefully, and share it with others.  This JOY Journey would be my next step on the path of grief and would be how I chose to honor Austin.  After all, he was the first bundle of joy I held in my arms and he filled our lives with joyfulness for 14 years.  He lived every day of his life to the fullest and now it's what I do as well.

That first week I tiptoed cautiously, unsure if I could find enough joy each day to write about.  Surprisingly, many days I had more sources of joy than I could share.  Along the way, I've learned much about myself, become even closer to God, loved deeper and enJOYed life more each day.  I've found and made new friends, who happened upon my blog at just the right post for whatever they were facing that day.  I've drawn strength from the stories, shared by those walking this same journey, whether ahead or behind me on the path.  Through it all, I treasure happy moments, linger in laughter, dance in the rain, and smile in sunshine. 

Is every day perfect?  Absolutely not.  Is there still pain?  With every beat of my heart.  But I've found that facing each morning with faith and closing each day in prayer gets me through.  Having the hope of finding joy in every day has made each a little easier to face.  Knowing that joy will and does come, fills my heart with the warmth of a sunrise in every promise of a new day.

Not followed my blog since the beginning?  You can click back to my first post and see how it all began.  ...Although, I'm more excited to see how it continues!

Comfort & Joy

I'm not sure I was prepared for the flood of emotions that swept over me today when entering the high school.  It still isn't easy being there, as my memories are of Austin and the few short but sweet months spent with him there as a freshman.  As I arrived, students were switching classes so I was swarmed with dozens of teenagers, all reminding me of Austin.

Today was "Awards Day" at the high school where seniors were recognized with scholarships from area organizations and businesses.  As this was our first year to award someone through Austin's Legacy, I was there to make the presentation.  Although my family was shortly behind me, I arrived first and made the walk alone into the gym.  I used the time to review the speech I'd prepared and look over the paperwork for the hundredth time. 

I began to say a prayer to myself, alone on the bleachers, asking for peace and strength to get through this so that we could honor Austin and not let my emotions get in the way.  Soon, Tim was by my side and instantly began to put me at ease.  Shortly after one of my former teachers arrived with a warm smile and encouraging hug.  Then, I was added with the reassurance from my mom and sister Raven's arrival.  Right before the program began, Mrs. Bevil, who has been so supportive both as a mentor for Austin and to us since his passing, came up to greet and thank us for being there.  I can't help but feel that they were all sent just at the right moment to prepare me for the presentation.

Once they called us to the podium, the rest is a bit of a blur but I think I managed to get out most of what I wanted to say.  I was able to share a bit of who Austin was with the crowd, why we formed this scholarship and how impressed we were with the recipient.  To see Kami smiling on the floor beside me and feeling her gratitude was all I needed to know this was meant to be.  I truly don't think we could've selected a more deserving student and I wish her the best for a bright and successful future.  I know that she appreciates this gift and will represent Austin's Legacy well.

Miss Kami Compton, 2011 Austin's Legacy Scholarship Recipient

Once home and having the opportunity to reflect back on the day's events, I was reminded of the scripture, "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." -Jeremiah 31:13. 

While we will forever miss Austin, and there will always be a sadness in that loss; it is so comforting to know he will be remembered and honored through this scholarship. It was a JOY to reward another deserving youth, who is actively making a difference in this world.



 

Finding Joy

As 2010 winds to a close, I pause to think back over this year and I wonder what the next will hold.  I'm not one for looking too far into the future, as I know how quickly this life can leave us.  Instead, I face each day with the gift that it is and hope for the most out of it.  I try to live each day so that when I bow my head as I go to bed, I can present the gift back to God and hopefully show him something good that came from it.

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile,

but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."

Starting another year, also leads me to remember back to 2009, our first year without Austin.  Looking back through my notes, I read again what I wrote about it; and from the beginning, you can sense the worry and pain I feared would meet us that year.

I've never started a year with this much uncertainty, fear and sadness. To know that I'll face an entire year without my son by my side tears me to the core. The only thing that keeps me going is God, Noah, and honoring Austin's memory....Who knew life could change so fast? In an instant, my simple, ordinary, blessed life would turn upside-down.


Thinking back to that note, rekindles all those painful memories of those first few grief-stricken months but it also shows me how far we've come.  There were many points in 2009, and even days in 2010, that I've felt uncertain.  That I've feared for our family's wellness.  That I've been overcome with complete sadness.  But how true it was and has been that what kept me grounded first and foremost was God, helped along with a daily dose of Noah, and working to keep Austin's memory alive is how I find myself here, two years later.

I'm proud of where we are now, though far from the end of this grief journey, because I know that Austin would be proud - and is - of how we've coped.  I truly don't think this path ever ends though, when faced with child loss.  We just face life with a different perspective.  We look at mountains and know that no obstacle is greater than what we've already experienced.  We appreciate the simple, joyful moments of life for what they are.  We are grateful when joy greets us unexpectedly but we also seek it out, knowing those moments are what fills us and helps us face the next day. 

"What you thought before has led to every choice you have made,

and this adds up to you at this moment. If you want to change who you are

 physically, mentally, and spiritually, you will have to change what you think."

Wishes for a blessed New Year to each of you filled with God, family, and joy!