CHEERful Joy!

Laundry detergent is bringing me immense joy this week.  Homemade detergent, to be exact.

A few days ago a sweet friend sent me a message, at the prodding of her young daughter.  She had recently begun making homemade detergent and her daughter had an idea to use that to help Austin's Legacy.  They decided to use the detergent as a fundraiser this week, with the profits going to the scholarship fund created in Austin's memory.  Needless to say, I was touched.

As I've written before, I was hesitant in continuing the scholarship program.  We even opted to give three scholarships this past May, to clear the account in case we made it final.  Looking back, I know it was the stresses of the season.  Mother's Day and what would've been Austin's graduation was too much at one time.  Part of me was trying to shut down, but as he always does, Austin gave me a push from above.  And he was so right.  Without struggle, the next scholarship was funded - fully from friends, family and even strangers. 

Now, with the help of another friend, we're on our way to start funding one for 2014.  One jug of laundry detergent at a time.

A Push From Above...

May is hard. 

This next week will be the most difficult.

In the course of five days, I'll be dealing with the emotions of Mother's Day and graduation.
Giving thanks to God for blessing me with two beautiful boys.  And grieving the loss of my first born.  Celebrating the milestone of my youngest leaving elementary school.  Heartbroken because my oldest is no longer with us; he cannot walk the line to receive his high diploma.  So many emotions...

Yesterday I was in a store and was overwhelmed with the signs of the season.  Happy cards and gifts of celebration for those two special days. 

But Mother's Day just isn't the same when you've lost a child.  I'll spend the day holding my baby, who's taller than me, and soaking up every moment I can with him.  But I'll also spend it holding my oldest, now gone from this world, in my heart. 

Talk of graduation is all around me.  I can't escape it.  It's in my office.  It's on the shelves of stores.  It's on Facebook and email, on the radio, and everywhere I seem to be.  I should be part of that celebration.  We should be sending invitations and planning a party for Austin's big day.  And the knowledge that we can't is sometimes more than I can bear.

Yesterday, I wanted to leave the store angry,or at least in tears.  But something whispered...Someone tugged at my heart, much like he used to tug on my sleeve.  He pushed me gently.

I left the store with a smile - and a mission.

Probably due mostly to the emotions of the season, I've waivered on continuining the scholarship fund we formed in Austin's memory.  For some reason, I linked the success of the program to the number of applicants we'd received each year.  I don't know why that mattered.

I was reminded of a favorite story....

The Starfish Story

Original Story by: Loren Eisley

 One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed
a boy picking something up
 and gently throwing it into the ocean.

Approaching the boy, he asked, What are you doing?

The youth replied, Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. 
If I don't throw them back, they'll die.

Son, the man said, don't you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can't make a difference!

After listening politely, the boy bent down,
picked up another starfish,
and threw it back into the surf. 
Then, smiling at the man, he said,
"I made a difference for that one."

Austin's Legacy certainly has made a difference in the lives of four amazing young women.  And he will continue to shine down on us and through us to keep changing lives.

I can't send out invitations to his graduation this week, but I can raise money for this legacy in his memory.  As is the practice when receiving an invitation, money is sent.  A gift to congratulate the graduate.  Instead, I'm asking that gifts be made in Austin's memory to the legacy he left behind.

Will you consider sending a gift today?

Bittersweet

Today was a hard yet special day.  While I fought back tears, I was filled with a sense of peace and of Austin's presence.

This afternoon was Awards day at the high school.  Our family was there, not in the stands proudly cheering on our sweet Austin as we'd hoped to, but instead presenting in his memory.

Through the Austin's Legacy Scholarship Fund, we awarded three very deserving girls today.  Totaling nearly $2000, Austin's spirit and legacy lives on through the paths of each of these young and amazing women.

If you read earlier this month, in Special Signs & Scholarships, you'll know the goosebump moment we had when selecting our top winner.  But every one of the our recipients had touching stories and connections to Austin in some way. 

With our $300 winner, though we didn't know her or her family personally, we felt like kindred spirits reading the losses they've suffered.  A sixty second hug by her mom today solidified that bond, only mother's of loss can understand.  It certainly wasn't the deciding factor for her to receive this award, as she won it on her own merit, but we will always hold a place in our hearts for this young girl and wish her the best.

With our second, I've known her for many years.  She and Austin were friends.  As I found her in the crowd prior to presenting, I could nearly feel Austin smiling down.  And when we hugged after the ceremony, I knew without a doubt our committee had made the right decision in awarding her a $500 scholarship.

And of course of our top level winner, who received $1000, has a long history with our family.  It's shared in the story above but again was not the deciding factor in her receiving.  The judging was almost done blindly, as nobody but me knew the background.  It was an honor to recognize Rachel because she symbolized what Austin was all about - helping others and volunteering.  And we wish her all the best in what I'm sure will be a bright future.

Going in today, I asked for prayers from friends and family and with the sense of peace which washed over me it was apparent they did.  I struggled at the start, part of my mom heart hurting that we Austin wasn't with us.  I thought that seeing all these other kids would be too difficult but it wasn't. 

We were able to see many of Austin's friends, all grown up and doing well.  I could feel an Austin hug with each familiar name that came down from the stands.  And I saw many of my little girls, who'd I'd taught for so many years in GAs at church, now young women who I'm so proud to see have excelled.  In the end, though tears did fall, it was a good day.  I'm stocked up on my hug tank and am grateful I got to spend time with Austin's classmates and friends.  Walking out I realized, though not in the way we'd expected, I did get to proudly cheer on my boy.  He was very much a part of today and, just like always, making a huge difference in others lives.

This morning, a surprise came in my email, letting me know another of my posts had been featured on BlogHer.  This particular post has never been shared on my blog, as it was my first exclusive writing for BlogHer.  I'm attaching it below to share with you now.  Very fitting and timely that it was all about Austin, and just an extra hug I needed for this day.

Muted -Featured BlogHer post

Special Signs & Scholarships

It seems very fitting that we selected the winners for the scholarship fund started in our son's memory on the cusp of Volunteer Appreciation Week.  The Austin's Legacy Scholarship's main criteria is volunteerism and is rooted in the scripture,
1 Timothy 4:12.

Austin will always be known for his giving spirit and helping hands.  He loved to volunteer and jumped in enthusiastically at any opportunity.  As is etched on his stone, He lived a lifetime in his fourteen short years on this Earth.  Giving back, making a difference, and being an example for others is the legacy Austin left behind.

This would've been Austin's graduating year and so we decided early on to award multiple scholarships.  That decision would prove helpful, as our committee had a difficult decision between several excellent candidates.  In the end, we were able to recognize three outstanding young women.  We'll present their awards, totaling $1800, on May 1.

Of course Austin's spirit filled our home, as we met to make the decision.  The goose bump moment came in selecting our top recipient.  Each member of the committee reviewed one application at a time, scoring them at the end.  Once finished, we tallied their totals to find the average score and discussed top candidates.  As the group talked, and I calculated, my eyes filled with tears on our first choice.

Her total was 23.  Austin's favorite number, proudly displayed on every jersey he ever wore, and something he uses often to send us signs.  I sat there stunned, tearful, and very thankful that Austin could be a part of our selection.  What I hadn't shared with the group, until after we chose her, was that she and Austin were friends.  They grew up together, attended the same church, and sat beside each other every year in band.  I think everyone at the table was inspired and felt hugged by our sweet boy, as we left the table.

In a season that has so many difficult moments...wishing for the memories that will never be, yesterday was heaven sent.  Our family feels beyond blessed to share Austin's Legacy with three very deserving ladies.  And we know he looks down proudly on it all.

Shining Down

Yesterday was our second annual fundraiser for Austin's Legacy, the scholarship fund we started in Austin's memory.  The cornhole tournament we hold Memorial Day weekend, during the Beaver Dam Strawberry Festival, is our primary fundraising event.

This past week has been chaotic and a bit stressful, trying to get all the details ironed out, ensuring all the inkind donations were in, as well as a lot of manual labor in hauling the many boards and supplies we use for the event.  I've also kept a cautious eye on the weather, saying little prayers, that we would again be blessed with sunshine, even though the initial forecasts called for a chance of rain.

I took a vacation day on Friday to ensure everything was ready to go, as we'd already have an early morning Saturday - the day of the event.  While family and friends help out in small ways, through lending their cornhole sets or securing door prizes, the bulk of the work lands on Tim and me.  And even though it's a lot to do and I often wonder if it'll all get done, I'm ok with the load.  Every task, every trip, each thing that we do is a way for us to honor Austin.  His spirit and memory keeps us going all the way through the event.

I will say though that my mom was a huge support this year, as she took on the bulk of securing our inkind donations to be used for our 1st and 2nd place prize baskets.  Because of her work, we collected more than $300 in certificates and prizes from area businesses.  Noah was also a big help and I know that Austin would have been so proud to see him working so hard.  From set up, to helping staff a booth, to running a billion errands for us, he was right there, even wrapping his arms around me for the photos we took during our opening presentations.

Though I was physically exhausted by the end of the day, my muscles sore from hauling and lifting boards, my skin flushed from the heat and the burn I managed to get even with sunscreen, every ache was a gift to Austin.  Emotionally, I was just as spent, with a mixture of memories of him, feeling expressions of love from family and friends throughout the event, and knowing how touched Austin would be with this outpouring of support.  As tiring as this event is, it is worth it because we do it for him.  And there were a few extra special highlights during the day that just emphasized to me the need for us to continue.  Through them all, I could feel Austin shining down on us and the event.

The first was our second presentation of the scholarship to Kami.  Her family and friends came out (some even played in the tournament) and it was evident the love they had for her, how proud they were, and how honored the family was to accept this gift.  From her asking if she could hug me during the presentation, to the sincere appreciation of her parents, to the many flashes of the camera as we presented the giant check, it was a wonderful moment.   

Second was the fact that we had a youth play in the tournament this year.  He was eleven but eagerly signed up and stood out there among the men ready to play.  His mom had sent me a message earlier in the week, asking if we had an age limit.  I told her that we never set limits on Austin - he did things well before his time, accomplished much that even adults couldn't do, and we were always proud when he did so.  In fact, that spirit is what led us to choose the scripture that is on his memorial stone. 
1 Timothy 4:12 "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."  It was a pleasure to award Dylan Alsman as the youngest player and it felt so much like "an Austin Moment."

Our final goose bump moments came from the first place winners of the tournament.  By this point, the majority of the teams had left, and all that remained were the winners and a few supporters.  Before taking pictures and passing out awards, we asked the players for any input or suggestions for the coming years.  In the midst of our conversation one of the guys shared a story about his son.  He lost his 17 year old son ten years ago from a car accident.  Pulling out his cell phone and showing a photo, we paused and shared a memory.  There's an unspoken bond between parents of child loss.  I felt blessed to award them as the first place team and could feel Austin's love and presence during those moments.


Though I left the event in tears and went home to continue to cry for several minutes, it was a joyous event.  There can be sadness in happy moments, there can be tears in joy.  My emotions were just the closing credits from the day.  Is this what I would have chosen for my life?  No.  I wish Austin were still here, I wish I could still see his smiling face, here his big laughter fill the room, and watch him grow into the wonderful young man I knew he would become.  But I can't turn back time and I can't call the future.  So, I make the most of the moments I'm given and I work to fulfill the purpose of why I am here and he is not.

Forming this scholarship in his memory may have not been in my plans but it is something I'm honored to do.  Knowing that the work we're doing in his memory is changing the futures of other youth (for the better) helps me get through the difficult times that come.  Austin's Legacy is just that - it is a reminder of the sweet soul that touched this earth but for a brief 14 years and it is a continued hope and inspiration in making this world a better place in Austin's memory.

Comfort & Joy

I'm not sure I was prepared for the flood of emotions that swept over me today when entering the high school.  It still isn't easy being there, as my memories are of Austin and the few short but sweet months spent with him there as a freshman.  As I arrived, students were switching classes so I was swarmed with dozens of teenagers, all reminding me of Austin.

Today was "Awards Day" at the high school where seniors were recognized with scholarships from area organizations and businesses.  As this was our first year to award someone through Austin's Legacy, I was there to make the presentation.  Although my family was shortly behind me, I arrived first and made the walk alone into the gym.  I used the time to review the speech I'd prepared and look over the paperwork for the hundredth time. 

I began to say a prayer to myself, alone on the bleachers, asking for peace and strength to get through this so that we could honor Austin and not let my emotions get in the way.  Soon, Tim was by my side and instantly began to put me at ease.  Shortly after one of my former teachers arrived with a warm smile and encouraging hug.  Then, I was added with the reassurance from my mom and sister Raven's arrival.  Right before the program began, Mrs. Bevil, who has been so supportive both as a mentor for Austin and to us since his passing, came up to greet and thank us for being there.  I can't help but feel that they were all sent just at the right moment to prepare me for the presentation.

Once they called us to the podium, the rest is a bit of a blur but I think I managed to get out most of what I wanted to say.  I was able to share a bit of who Austin was with the crowd, why we formed this scholarship and how impressed we were with the recipient.  To see Kami smiling on the floor beside me and feeling her gratitude was all I needed to know this was meant to be.  I truly don't think we could've selected a more deserving student and I wish her the best for a bright and successful future.  I know that she appreciates this gift and will represent Austin's Legacy well.

Miss Kami Compton, 2011 Austin's Legacy Scholarship Recipient

Once home and having the opportunity to reflect back on the day's events, I was reminded of the scripture, "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." -Jeremiah 31:13. 

While we will forever miss Austin, and there will always be a sadness in that loss; it is so comforting to know he will be remembered and honored through this scholarship. It was a JOY to reward another deserving youth, who is actively making a difference in this world.



 

Austin's Legacy

Last April, we officially formed the Austin's Legacy Scholarship Fund, in memory of our son.  In a year's time, we have launched the scholarship, fully funded it for three years through fundraisers, and selected our first recipient.  Looking back, it still doesn't seem real. 

It was as if this Scholarship Fund was just meant to be - or had an extra dose of love and help from above, because everything involving this project has always fallen right into place.  Both Tim and I were thinking and planning the same things, even before we talked to each other about it.  Being married as long as we have, we often know each other's thoughts but this just seemed impossible how closely our plans matched.

The name, "Austin's Legacy" came to us shortly after losing him.  It seemed to encompass everything he was in just two words. 

This design came to me soon after and became the logo for his memorial scholarship fund.  From the bigger-than-life heart, to the helping hands, to the scripture that so perfectly describes our special boy, "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young, but be an example for other believers in your speech, behavior, love, faithfulness, and purity."  This logo shows everything Austin stood for and the mission of his scholarship fund.

I remember signing papers last April for the scholarship program and how uncertain a time it was for us.  Both of our mothers were ill and at the time we didn't have answers as to what was wrong with either of them.  Thankfully, Mom's was nothing serious.  Sadly, we would lose June just months later to an aggressive lung cancer, but not before she got to see the results from our first fundraiser.  Even from her hospital bed, she was offering help, advice and money to support it. 

Now, to see us full circle at the end of the year, having selected the recipient for our first scholarship, I know that both she and Austin would be beyond proud.  The student we selected was an easy choice, based on several points in her application, essay and letters of recommendation.  Many things in her application stood out but perhaps the most was that she's logged over 1,000 volunteer hours the past few years. It seems very fitting that for those hours she'll be awarded $1000 for her education!

Kami Compton is a senior at Ohio County High School and has been approved for enrollment at Bluegrass Community and Technical College.  As one of the first in her family to seek a higher education, she shared in her essay a passion for making a better life for herself.  Though volunteering for several agencies, the group she donated the largest portion of her time has been to Dismas Charities.  To quote her, "These women encourage me every day...they've shown me it's not where I have been in my life but where I'm going."  Through their inspiration she has dreams of becoming a parole officer and making positive changes in this world.


I don't know that we could have selected a better choice for our first award!  There isn't a doubt in my mind that God's hand has been on this project from the very beginning.  Or, that Austin hasn't been involved somehow every step of the way.  In fact, we will present the check to Kami on Monday, during the school's Awards Assembly.  Can you guess what date it will be?  ...May 23rd.  Yet another sign from Austin that he is and will be there with us as we make a difference in another youth's life.

Not just a T-shirt

Our t-shirts arrived this week for the next fundraiser to support the Austin's Legacy Scholarship Fund.  I had mixed emotions when they arrived.  Working on this fund is a reminder of what we've lost but also a way for us to keep Austin's memory alive. 

As I opened the cardboard boxes and pulled out the bright green shirts, it was a bit of a goose bump moment.  To see his logo, which I created to honor him, in print and tangible was a little surreal.  When we formed this scholarship fund, I knew I needed and wanted a logo but I struggled with how to capture the essence of Austin in a small frame.  The idea just came to me one day and within moments I drew it out.  To see it in physical form on these shirts was just a special moment because I could just feel the presence of Austin and knew he was proud of what we had accomplished.

Our pre-sales were a blessing and the amount collected was a strong indication of not only the success of this fundraiser but also the impact Austin made on so many lives.  Being a cautious fundraiser, I even took a calculated risk and used part of the profits to buy stock.  I'm happy to report that three days in, we've already sold a large portion. 

In thanking my family for their help with the sales, I mentioned that with every shirt someone buys, it feels like a hug for my heart.  For someone to take the time and effort to make the purchase, bring the money, and arrange for delivery, tells me they care...and that Austin meant something to them as well.  The reaction when they receive it, surprises me at times.  People are so excited and proud to get to wear it, eager to share the story of our son with others. 

In addition, I've been touched by the stories from some friends, and even strangers, who have wanted a shirt.  They'll fill my heart with joy by telling me of how they knew Austin, how he impacted their life and made a difference, or how the shirt blessed them in some way.  I heard from a sweet friend today, who shared not just her memories of Austin but how the shirt really ministered to her in a time of need.  As she let the worries of the world fill her mind, picking up the shirt and thinking about our son, reminded her of how short life is and what is really important the brief time we're here.  She commented on how Austin lived his life for Jesus and served others and how much that touched her. 

It reminded me to realize and remember how special these shirts really are.  They are not just a t-shirt...they are a way to raise funds to help others who give....they are a way to honor an amazing young man who was an example of service and love...and they are a way to share not only his story but the message of God's love and what wonderful things can happen when you selflessly give.