Guest Post: Top Three Ways to Remember the People You Miss Most

Joyful Readers... 

Please welcome Allison Gilbert, my first guest poster!  I'm drawn to her mission of keeping the memory of loved ones alive and know you will be too.


 I’ve never met anyone who’s completely stopped thinking about the person he or she loved; our memories flow in and out and wash over us at anticipated and unexpected times. And while many of us want to keep the memories of lost loved ones alive, the question that often confounds us is -- how?  The absence of a useful guide to answer this question is what prompted me to write my book, Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive, the first roadmap for discovering fun, creative, and inspiring ways to remember the family and friends we never want to forget.

 My motivation for writing the book extends beyond filling an unmistakable void in bereavement literature. I want anyone who has ever lost a dear friend or family member to embrace their memories and celebrate them. Why? Because doing so will likely make you happier.

 Honoring past relationships has proven to have such significant restorative power that noted grief expert J. William Worden developed an entire bereavement-recovery theory about it. He explains, “Death makes you feel out of control. Taking steps to remember leads to empowerment and feeling empowered is absolutely necessary for living a full, happy, and loving life.”

 I have found this to be true. In the years following the deaths of my loved ones, I came to recognize that the more I incorporated spurts of remembrance into my day to day life -- as opposed to sectioning them off to a particular time of year -- the more I was able to embrace every part of me: the people who have passed, and all that’s good and fulfilling in my present. And I was happier.

 Below are a few of my favorite opportunities for celebrating relationships that are still important to us. In Passed and Present, I call these ideas Forget Me Nots.

 Repurpose Favorite Garments: I love this concept because it turns clothing into objects you can appreciate every day.  A few years after my father died, I made a quilt out of his colorful assortment of neckties. Other possibilities include:

• Using cherished garments to make handwoven rugs, table runners, Moroccan-style poufs, or throw pillows.
• Deconstructing fleece jackets and sweatshirts to make cuddly teddy bears.
• Stitching together corduroy and other thick materials to craft duffel bags, gym bags, and everyday totes with the help of Totes with Tales (www.toteswithtales.com).

 Make a Game of It:  Given how much we can do with technology these days, it would be a shame to not harness its benefits for children. You can personalize a deck of cards with photographs of both living family members and those you’ve lost. By integrating all your loved ones, children are seamlessly taught to value every relationship in their lives. The same sense of recognition can come from customizing a board book for a toddler or designing your own memory game. And, if you work with the eco-friendly website www.paperculture.com to create these projects or others, the company will plant a tree in recognition of every purchase—giving customers the opportunity to dedicate that tree to whomever they wish. Love that!

Share Family Recipes: My grandmother made the most delicious coffee cake. I prize the handwritten recipe and worked with Beth Digman, owner of Prairie Hills Pottery, to make it a central part of my kitchen.  Watch this video to see more. Digman creates several types of custom pottery and will make a special piece just for you. Here are two additional ideas for preserving recipes:

•  Frame a beloved handwritten heirloom as art for your kitchen.
• Create a DropBox or Google Drive folder where your extended family can upload and share favorite recipes.  This online repository can also include meaningful photographs.

The essential takeaway from Passed and Present is that absence and presence can coexist, and that engaging with the past, and bringing memories into the present, is what gives us the greatest strength to move forward, and helps us find our joy again.  We just need a few ideas.  We all just need to know how.

Spontaneous JOY

I'm a pretty structured gal.  Some might say I waiver with OCD at times.  Truly, I have just always been an organized person.  Being a busy wife, mom, woman adds to the need for knowing what I'm doing weeks in advance.

It isn't that I don't like surprises or being spontaneous, I just always have a backup plan in case I find myself with extra time.  Which is something I've been adjusting to lately, as my husband works the night shift and my teenage working son is rarely home.

I've never had so much "alone" time in my life.

Being an introvert, it is something I enjoy.  But being a family-centered momma, it is also something that feels unusual at times.

My plans this past weekend were to continue my spring cleaning and the dreaded winter to spring closet swap.  While I did tackle tidying up my home office and organizing cabinets, the closet was not touched.  There just wasn't time for all the impromptu family time I had.

Saturday morning, a quick trip to the store ended up seeing my son and me on the backroads, sipping on 1/2 price milkshakes and enjoying the scenery.  Oh, how I love and relish these moments with him.

It was so nice out, I would've suggested we get out and explore, had I not still been in my pjs!  I hadn't bothered to change because I expected to return right home to cleaning, so I was extra prayerful my student at the wheel was cautious and safe.  Once back, I began to dye my hair (our original reason for the outing!).

Because I wasn't properly clothed, I let Noah run in and purchase the dye.  He picked a dark shade that had a purple hue.  Though I was a little hesitant, color rarely takes in my dark hair so I went for it.  When I noticed how grape colored my gloves were at the end, I began to panic a bit.  In the end, there is just a glimmer of purple, especially when the light hits, it but I kinda like it.

After all, this is the year of 40 and fabulous!

My mom called inviting me up for dinner that night, and since I was home alone (and because my great-nephew would also be there) I jumped in the car and drove down to see them.  Even changed out of my pjs!  ;)

Yesterday we attended one and a half church services.  I joked with the pastor it was because his message was good but really it was because Tim had to work Saturday night; and we knew he wouldn't stay awake for our normal late service.  As it was, I was nudging and poking him through it. I can't say much, Noah and I struggled as well.  Not that the message wasn't engaging, 8 am just seems so much earlier on a weekend!  But after dropping him home to sleep and going to breakfast, we came back for the beginning of our last service to see our great-nephew's dedication.  It's called our "Lion King" moment at church, complete with jungle music and all.

I caught this precious pic of Noah praying while holding sweet Isaiah.  And then the tears hit...most of the women in our pew.  We were already misty, thinking of the trials this little guy had to come into this world.  (God has certainly been restoring our family one piece at a time!)  Mom mentioned Austin, we looked back at the clock and noticed it was 11:23.  That's all it took - and my "nobody cries alone" policy.   Noah never did understand the tears but we definitely felt Austin smiling down on us.

That would've summed up a pretty awesome weekend but it didn't end there.  After church, I dropped Noah at a friend's house and went home to snuggle up to my hubby for a nap.  Two hours later I hear voices in my living room.  I was pretty sure it was my mom but my bladder wouldn't wait for me to check it out.  Tim joked about our safety as I was tinkling.  I pee on myself for nobody!

Turns out it was my mom and my aunt, needing help with their tablets.  Technology and seniors... their sidebars were hilarious.  Really, they should take their show on their road.  It took me minutes to fix the issues but they lingered for a nice visit.  As I began to think of plans for dinner, we received an invite from my niece for chili.

So, our Sunday evening plans changed to being packed into their cozy little house, with steaming bowls of soup and sweet baby kisses, surrounded by family and laughter.  It was the icing on the cake of our weekend...(oh, we had that too, and it was delicious!)