Five Birthdays Gone.

19...

I have no place card for this.  Nothing to compare it against, except for Austin's friends that we see now grown, in college, and starting new lives.

Austin would be 19 today. 

Seems unreal on every level.  That we'd have a college-age son now. 
That instead of celebrating, we can only spend the day remembering.
....and longing for what could've been.

He's been gone from this world nearly five years.  Five birthdays gone.

My momma-heart can so easily become broken again this time of year.  I can drown in the what if's and where-he'd-be-todays.  My faith has me clinging to what I know. 

And prayers have me held.  Beautiful friends who bless me with prayers.

As I finish this post, the post I've started and stopped for the past week, on this birthday, I wonder how I'm holding it together.  How I'm not crazy-mad.  Because my heart tells me I should be.  Beloved prayers, peace in knowing, and my faithful Heavenly Father are the only explanations for why I'm not.

For those of you just at the tip of this grief path, there's comfort here.  It does get better, even on a bittersweet difficult day like today.

The pain is always there, lingering, but not the raw, not the ugly pain from the beginning.  It does get easier, but just as the love for your child never ends, missing-them-pain remains.  What's different is that hearing Austin's name now brings a smile, instead of the wellspring of tears that used to come. 

 

I can now hear look at photos, hear "Austin stories," and recall those beloved memories with fondness and appreciation for the moments we shared. 

And with HOPE, I hold on...

until we meet on that beautiful shore someday.

I wrote this letter to Austin last year, for the milestone 18th birthday. 

So much of it still rings true - If you were here today...

Happy Birthday, sweet boy.  Love you BIG and miss you so.