Five Birthdays Gone.

19...

I have no place card for this.  Nothing to compare it against, except for Austin's friends that we see now grown, in college, and starting new lives.

Austin would be 19 today. 

Seems unreal on every level.  That we'd have a college-age son now. 
That instead of celebrating, we can only spend the day remembering.
....and longing for what could've been.

He's been gone from this world nearly five years.  Five birthdays gone.

My momma-heart can so easily become broken again this time of year.  I can drown in the what if's and where-he'd-be-todays.  My faith has me clinging to what I know. 

And prayers have me held.  Beautiful friends who bless me with prayers.

As I finish this post, the post I've started and stopped for the past week, on this birthday, I wonder how I'm holding it together.  How I'm not crazy-mad.  Because my heart tells me I should be.  Beloved prayers, peace in knowing, and my faithful Heavenly Father are the only explanations for why I'm not.

For those of you just at the tip of this grief path, there's comfort here.  It does get better, even on a bittersweet difficult day like today.

The pain is always there, lingering, but not the raw, not the ugly pain from the beginning.  It does get easier, but just as the love for your child never ends, missing-them-pain remains.  What's different is that hearing Austin's name now brings a smile, instead of the wellspring of tears that used to come. 

 

I can now hear look at photos, hear "Austin stories," and recall those beloved memories with fondness and appreciation for the moments we shared. 

And with HOPE, I hold on...

until we meet on that beautiful shore someday.

I wrote this letter to Austin last year, for the milestone 18th birthday. 

So much of it still rings true - If you were here today...

Happy Birthday, sweet boy.  Love you BIG and miss you so.

Faithful Friday: Belated Joy

You have filled my heart with great joy. - Psalm 4:7

Yesterday's post just wasn't possible on time.  We had company and I wanted to soak up the sweetness. 

Tired from a full week of school, she was extra snuggly and wanted to cuddle on the coach with "Aunt Header" so I had no extra room for a laptop or time to write a post.

Bryanna has been patiently waiting to spend the night with us for several weeks.  Tim's back has postponed her plans, and though he's still not fully healed, we knew she was good medicine.

That little ray of sunshine has been a blessing for my heart from the moment she arrived.  Hard to imagine it has been five years...

What I remember from her birth is that Austin was upset he couldn't go with me.  It was a school night and honestly at the time I thought he just wanted to play hookie.  From the first moment he held her however, it was obvious there was a connection.

The two were always together, both searching each other out at family gatherings.  Unlike with others, Bryanna never cried when Austin was holding her.  In fact, he calmed her.  And he seemed at ease with her as well.

She loved her "Aww-wa" and he loved his Baby Bry.  I loved how their faces would light up at seeing each other. 

It surprised me somewhat, Austin being a teenager.  He wanted to be with her though, never hesitated in caring for her and most certainly watched over as she grew.

I'm most certain he would've been a part of all the milestones of her life.  Sadly he only got to be here for a few, at least in physical form. 

But he's definitely holding and protecting her, no doubt she has her own special guardian angel to carry her through this world.


One of the many photos on Austin's phone of them, taken by him Thanksgiving weekend. 

 Sometimes looking at her reminds me of Austin.  It takes me back to those early days and I can't help but get teary eyed, wishing they had more time together.  That we all did...

Yet I'm also reminded of how healing she has been for me.  it's impossible to stay anything but joyful whenever she's around.  Full of sass and sparkle, there is never a dull moment around the child.  Her blue eyes have a way of making your heart melt, all the while laughing from her scrunched up nose or attitude that goes with it.

Bryanna has most certainly brought much happiness into our lives, even on days we didn't believe possible.  She has a way of lighting up the room and loading it with JOY.  The past five years have been a blessing with her here and I'm grateful to her momma for sharing her with us. She's never hesitated in letting her stay with us, even on special days like today.

Our just another Saturday has become a birthday princess extravaganza....with super soft snuggles and pillow talk, sugary kisses from a sticky pancake and bacon breakfast, giggles during hide-n-seek, quiet time on the couch just taking in how much she's changed, measuring tiny fingers to see if they've caught up with my hand now that's she the big 5, and many more simple, yet extra special moments.  I could go on and on, but then I'm afraid I'd miss out on even more.  Besides, we still have a full schedule of cheer leading, presents, a party and of course, a Hello Kitty cake to enjoy today!

May your Saturday be as sweet....

Best Firework Show. Ever.

My fondest memories of watching fireworks was during our Dream Vacation....on a Disney Cruise. I found myself watching the expressions of my children's faces much more than the bright display over the sea though. To this day, nothing compares to those memories made.


That vacation was special for a number of reasons, the major one being it was our last family trip with Austin.

Though the 4th will always be a special day, because it is my Momma's birthday, it also tugs at my heart because it's 4 days from Austin's. On Sunday, July 8, our sweet boy would be celebrating his 18th. Instead he'll be looking down on us from his Heavenly view above.

We miss him so.

Hug your family tight this holiday - and cherish every moment in between.
We are never promised a tomorrow, at least not on this earth.


You can read more about that special trip by clicking here...Vacation of a Lifetime.
Wishing you and yours a family filled 4th of July.