Never Stop Learning

My 40s have been a joyous place.  There is contentment in my soul but also this longing to be and do.  I'm happy with who I am but have an awareness I can accomplish and learn more.

Fears and worries have been replaced with a hunger and willingness to try new things.  Perhaps the awareness that I'm getting older spurs this on.  Maybe it is the knowledge from four decades prior.  Whatever it is, I adore these fabulous 40s.  And I've only just begun!

This weekend I checked two more items off my bucket list.  One has been a dream for some time, the other something I didn't even know I wanted but was glad for the experience.

When I started college, I was newly married and had a baby on my hip.  While it was a goal I was determined to conquer, it was slightly adjusted.  Having these lovely responsibilities meant I needed to join the workforce sooner than later.  As such, I opted for a smaller degree that opened doors for me to begin my career while attending school.  Looking back, I'm not sure how I handled those hours or demands with a new family but I did.  And though my Associate's is not esteemed, or even looked at as an achievement by some, I am proud of it - and myself. 

But I've always longed to go back.  Life, work and other excuses have seemed to intervene over the years pushing the dream further away.  This summer, I was given an opportunity to test the waters, so to speak.  Through a community grant, I enrolled in an online program for Virtual Assistants.  Years ago I enjoyed working from home and thought the skill set might be nice for the future.  Thursday I picked up my diploma.  Being completely online, it helped me gauge juggling coursework and life.  I learned my brain doesn't test as it did in my teens and twenties!  But I'm pleased with my overall completion. 

Saturday I spent the day on a soggy farm with my sweetie driving, of all things, a tractor. 

When he texted me the night before asking if I wanted to work, I sent a reply verifying he was talking to his wife.  Sometimes he texts me when he intends to message Noah, or vice versa.  And this sounded more like a Noah job.  Though at the time I wasn't sure what I'd be doing, I said yes.  It is his birthday weekend and no matter what we do, I enjoy time with him.

Waking early in the morning, he tells me to dress in clothes I don't care about and to plan on getting wet.  Though I love the outdoors, I am not a fan of getting dirty.  Or heavy physical labor.  So, I went into the day with a few doubts and maybe even some negativity. 

After learning I'd be driving a tractor, I laughed.  Maybe out loud. 

This girl may have grown up on a farm but a cowgirl, I am not!  I wasn't even sure I could get up onto a tractor, much less know how to operate it.  My hubby, ever my fan and cheerleader, reminds me I was one of the best pump operators he knew (back in my brief ventures with firefighting) so I decided to give it a try.  He promised it was the easiest job of the day.

It was a bit scary at first, especially when I had to navigate inside a house or make u-turns in wet ditches but I'm so glad I tried!  Though it wasn't exactly how I envisioned we'd spend our Saturday, it was memorable and fun. 

What's on your list to learn?  

Panoramic View

Phones are so advanced now they can take a panoramic picture that moves 360-degrees, to let you view any direction from a single position.

I've been around long enough to move from Polaroids (to back again), to inserting film and having it developed, to disposable cameras, to digital, to ones we carry with us everywhere we go.

I remember when panoramic options came out on cameras and how cool that seemed.  That is, until I realized they were too big to fit in my acid free photo album.

Lately, I feel like my life is in a bit of a panoramic view.  As a 40-something, I consider myself somewhat middle aged.  (Yikes, that was hard to type!) But, I'm truly at a point where I can look back over the first half of my life and see ahead to the last.

Sitting in the middle has its ups and downs.

Looking back, I can see lessons learned and share that advice with my nearly adult teen.  The trials I thought were insurmountable, I've now gleaned wisdom from the experience.  And I can see big picture, full circle moments from God.

Thinking ahead though sometimes wears me out.  I wonder, if I'm this tired and achy at my age, what in the world will become of me in 40 more years!  Sometimes I find myself staring at the elderly, or even those just 10-15 years older, and imagining what life might be like at that stage.  Often I compare their physical abilities to mine.  Sadly, there are quite a few senior citizens who can run circles around me.

This past Sunday, our sermon was on how we're to press forward, not focused on the past.  For a girl big on memories and childhood nostalgia, that can be hard.  But I get the point, especially if we're letting the past weigh us down.

What I know, from experience, is that the future can sometimes seem just as daunting.  We can let fears of what is to come overwhelm us. So aside from knowing and clinging to what my ultimate prize is, I'm choosing to focus my view on today.

With the beautiful weather we've been having, my husband and I enjoy spending time on our deck.  Whether for early morning coffee or evening skyscapes, we've been amused at bird watching lately.  There's a nest of robin eggs above our security light, right over our back door.  The parents of this nest aren't too happy with our new seating arrangements and momma bird will often squawk her objections.

We have tried to stay quiet and I've resorted to holding a pillow so I won't talk with my hands.  This weekend she eventually braved up and hopped onto her nest while were out there.  I whispered under my breath for Tim to notice and the silly man tried to take a picture!  Of course, she flew off and then went into an argumentative rebuttal that had us both chuckling.

I tried to reason with momma bird and explain that sometimes we just can't control our men.  She cocked her head as if to say, "Girl, don't I know it."  My hope is that she'll forget his mistake and earn our trust again.

Aside from me fussing at Tim to be nicer to our extended family, we did have a good conversation about God all because of the birds.  If He can take the time to create so many different types, who each sing a different tune, and knows all the feathers in their wings, plus provides for their every need, won't He do the same (or more) for his children?

And looking back over the view of lessons from the weekend, I think He was trying to tell me just that.  Do not worry about tomorrow (or what has happened in the past), simply enJOY today!

Birthday Blues

I'm sensing a theme and it isn't a good one for a blog about joy!  So far my titles for the year have been a little down and depressing.  But, I've always tried to keep it real and raw with my writing, even if that makes it harder to share.

Yesterday was my birthday and I went to bed teary, although I can't really explain why.  When you reach a certain age, they just sort of flatten.  Other than major milestones, which I celebrated last year, there isn't much hoopla to be had.

The guys did their best, especially my baby boy, to make it a good day.  My morning began with a gigantic birthday bear hug first thing from my gentle giant.  As he isn't an early riser and normally a tad grumpy, seeing that effort and feeling the warmth of his hug is truly all I should've needed to make yesterday special.  My husband fixed me a cup of coffee and ran out to grab breakfast so I could linger a little longer by the fire before church.

Our pew was full of family and sweet baby snuggles from my great-nephew Isaiah.  My lap held a splurge purchase from Saturday's outing, a new Bible.  I've been wanting a new one but had so many requirements, I wasn't sure I'd find the one.  Tim and Noah were patient and encouraging as I browsed the rows at Lifeway.  Eventually, I spotted just the fit - a study Bible, in the translation I prefer, with space in the columns for notes, not too heavy, and opens flat for easy writing.

Once home, Tim retreated for his nap before work and I planned to settle in to my recliner and relax.  Instead, I was surprised with a teen, eager to spend the afternoon with mom.  We played ping pong and old school video games, bouncing laughter back and forth for hours, ending with a Chopped marathon.  Time with my son, at his request - what more could I really ask for?

Dinner went a bit upset down, when the steaks were still half frozen and falling apart (how is that possible?) but a quick trip to Taco Bell saved the night.  We ended with some family tv time, something rare, since we're never all home together long enough to do so.

As my head hit the pillow, I prayerfully reflected on the fact that with all these blessings, how could I still feel less than?  Why wasn't it enough?

Birthdays are maybe the most selfish day of the year.  The total focus in on you and the anticipation of what others might do to make it special.  And in a year of shifting to selflessness, it seems silly I could get wrapped up in wishing for more.

This morning, I realized part of the issue is that I'm placing my happiness in the hands of others.  I'm depending on them to bring me joy when I know the true source only comes from God.  If I am honest, there isn't an outing, gift or custom cake that would've given me the fulfillment for which I'm yearning.

I am not content with who I am.  

This girl that I see when I look in the mirror isn't what I pictured for 41.  She's aged in ways no magic wrinkle creme can fix.  And in many ways, I appreciate what time has added to me.  There's wisdom and contentedness I didn't have twenty years ago.  But with the lessons learned, it also has me searching for more.

In this process of becoming selfless, I am finding it is more than just giving, but rather, I must push myself to be the best "me"I can be.  If there are flaws, I need to magnify, inspect and adjust, not just sweep aside.

So maybe that is the best gift received yesterday.
Awareness of change needed.  A growing desire to be more.  Transformation from the inside out.