Panoramic View

Phones are so advanced now they can take a panoramic picture that moves 360-degrees, to let you view any direction from a single position.

I've been around long enough to move from Polaroids (to back again), to inserting film and having it developed, to disposable cameras, to digital, to ones we carry with us everywhere we go.

I remember when panoramic options came out on cameras and how cool that seemed.  That is, until I realized they were too big to fit in my acid free photo album.

Lately, I feel like my life is in a bit of a panoramic view.  As a 40-something, I consider myself somewhat middle aged.  (Yikes, that was hard to type!) But, I'm truly at a point where I can look back over the first half of my life and see ahead to the last.

Sitting in the middle has its ups and downs.

Looking back, I can see lessons learned and share that advice with my nearly adult teen.  The trials I thought were insurmountable, I've now gleaned wisdom from the experience.  And I can see big picture, full circle moments from God.

Thinking ahead though sometimes wears me out.  I wonder, if I'm this tired and achy at my age, what in the world will become of me in 40 more years!  Sometimes I find myself staring at the elderly, or even those just 10-15 years older, and imagining what life might be like at that stage.  Often I compare their physical abilities to mine.  Sadly, there are quite a few senior citizens who can run circles around me.

This past Sunday, our sermon was on how we're to press forward, not focused on the past.  For a girl big on memories and childhood nostalgia, that can be hard.  But I get the point, especially if we're letting the past weigh us down.

What I know, from experience, is that the future can sometimes seem just as daunting.  We can let fears of what is to come overwhelm us. So aside from knowing and clinging to what my ultimate prize is, I'm choosing to focus my view on today.

With the beautiful weather we've been having, my husband and I enjoy spending time on our deck.  Whether for early morning coffee or evening skyscapes, we've been amused at bird watching lately.  There's a nest of robin eggs above our security light, right over our back door.  The parents of this nest aren't too happy with our new seating arrangements and momma bird will often squawk her objections.

We have tried to stay quiet and I've resorted to holding a pillow so I won't talk with my hands.  This weekend she eventually braved up and hopped onto her nest while were out there.  I whispered under my breath for Tim to notice and the silly man tried to take a picture!  Of course, she flew off and then went into an argumentative rebuttal that had us both chuckling.

I tried to reason with momma bird and explain that sometimes we just can't control our men.  She cocked her head as if to say, "Girl, don't I know it."  My hope is that she'll forget his mistake and earn our trust again.

Aside from me fussing at Tim to be nicer to our extended family, we did have a good conversation about God all because of the birds.  If He can take the time to create so many different types, who each sing a different tune, and knows all the feathers in their wings, plus provides for their every need, won't He do the same (or more) for his children?

And looking back over the view of lessons from the weekend, I think He was trying to tell me just that.  Do not worry about tomorrow (or what has happened in the past), simply enJOY today!

Faithful Friday: Forgive

Day 24: FORGIVENESS. Today let us open our hearts to forgiveness. Even if it is just a conversation that we have with ourselves. You may not be ready to forgive someone today and that is okay.  True forgiveness can never be forced so if you are not feeling it – then you are not feeling it! But we can still plant a seed. Forgiving someone may take years. It is a process. When you forgive another person you are not condoning their actions, you are just releasing yourself from them. When you hold onto anger or resentment for too long, you only end up hurting yourself. It is an easy thing to know in your heart that forgiveness will help you but to actually feel that is a whole other story. 

What are your thoughts on forgiveness? 

Have your had to forgive someone in your life? How did you do it? 

How did you let go of resentment? 

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Two years ago I wrote about this topic, specific to forgiveness in child loss.  Reading it again, I had to give praise to God for where I am now.  In 2012, I was still hurting, healing, processing the forgiveness needed to move on.  Now, I can't even pinpoint who or what that post was about.  And I know, without a doubt, any forgiveness I gave came from and through Him.  What a wonderful feeling when your soul is free from anger and resentment!

Today, I thought I'd focus on forgiveness of self in child loss.  Guilt is common with losing a child, no matter the circumstance.  As parents, we feel a responsibility to keep our children safe, happy, healthy.  When that goes wrong and life turns upside down, we blame ourselves.

For so long, it seemed, that night was on auto play in my mind.  I relived the moments leading up to Austin's death over and over and over.  Was there anything I could have done to prevent this?  Should I have made him get his flu shot that year?  What if I'd said no to the bike ride?  Should I have postponed his tonsillectomy, even though he'd begged to wait until after Thanksgiving so he could taste all the family's traditional foods. Why didn't I help Tim with CPR instead of sitting there sobbing, screaming, holding Austin's hand?

Would any of it have mattered?  Would anything turn back time and return my son?  

Months later, when we discovered the true cause of his death and heard the medical examiner assure us there was nothing before-during-or after that would've changed things, it helped.  Somewhat.  A piece of the guilt we carried went away.  But, I just replaced it with other reasons to not forgive myself.

Did Austin know we loved him?  Should I have not shopped on Black Friday and spent the day with the boys instead?  How many times that last day did I hug him?  Was I good mom?  Did he realize how much he meant to us?  to everyone?

And even now, six years later, I still find myself wishing, wondering.  I still have moments of guilt and areas I haven't forgiven.

I look at his little brother, now the same age but stockier, taller.  He fills up the queen size bed in his room and my heart cringes, remembering that Austin was still in a twin.  He'd grown faster than we'd ever imagined and the bed seemed to shrink beneath him overnight.  Though we'd talked about buying a bigger size, we hadn't yet.  And I think about whether his nights were uncomfortable, or if his back hurt in the mornings from being cramped in a small bed.  He never said.

Or that I never bought him the Iphone he wanted.  Perhaps I didn't spoil him enough.  Guilt has caused me to do so more with his brother, I know.  We never went on that trip to New York.  Or to a concert to rock out to AC/DC.

Your mind is continually filled with coulda/shoulda/wouldas when you've lost a child.  You wonder if you made the most of the time you had with them?  If it - or you - were enough...

There's no cookie cutter response to forgiveness, whether it is to yourself or others.  Each situation, every hurt or wrong or regret comes down to time and prayer.  Time helps anger and guilt fade.  Prayer erases the pain and replaces it with healing.

Thankful I'm not where I once was, hopeful I'll continue to grow, and laying it at His feet to help me.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7