Age of Innocence

My 16 year old fell asleep last night in my bed.

I lost count of how many times I awoke, not because his giant frame took up most of the space, but to soak up the moment, to pray for him, and to stare at his changing face while he dreamt. 

I'm grateful my son still enjoys cuddling with mom and dad. Every hug he ever gives is savored but I'm most thankful for the conversations we have. Oh, the giggles we share late at night.

Sometimes those talks break my heart though, when I realize all he is hit with daily.

Which led me to my prayers. Last night, I had the privelege to literally put hands on and pray over him as he slept.  I don't know that I ever prayed as much as a momma as I have these teenage years. You think as a new mom, or mother of a toddler you worry, but it just increases as they age.  We just want the very best for our babies, no matter how old they are.

As a child loss mom, I know I pray for safety and protection, maybe more than the average parent. Because I know the unimaginable. Maybe I over-pray...if such a thing exists. In reflection, it's probably a sign of my worry and not giving it to God as I should. I say I trust in the plans He has for his future...but then I want to put conditions on what it holds.

As I found myself staring at his face in the moonlight, a mix of sweet innocence and manhood, I wished that I could reach out and push pause.  While he's barreling down the highway of life, eager to reach the next milestone, I'm pressing the invisible breaks of his childhood.

Days when I catch him watching cartoons or wrestling on the floor with dad, I'm thankful for the innocence of the moment. But then I sigh knowing his childhood is slipping away. And I'm not naive, as I know he's exposed to way more to any 16 year old should be, but that's the world in which we live. As such, I want to bubble wrap and trap him in the safety of our house. Yet I also know living life is what he needs to grow, no matter how difficult it may be for him.  Or me.

There are so many more temptations and stressors he faces as a teen compared to my generation. I can't help but worry about the decisions he'll make. Part of me hopes what we've instilled in him sticks, but the other knows mistakes and bad choices are a part of growing up.

And I've got to show the same love in the messes that I do in the blessings. While we have high expectations for him, he also needs to know we'll always be his safe place to fall.  

Because isn't that the same God offers us?

My teens and twenties were littered with mistakes and bad choices, but those lessons are what shaped and made the woman I am today. Sometimes those decisions are what led me closest to God.

Being a parent is the most precious, rewarding and difficult job to ever have.  You're responsible for the outcome of a future adult but there's also a season where you have to let go and let God. I know that's coming for us soon. And maybe that's what He wanted me to hear today.

Maybe someone out there reading needs to hear it too.

No matter which side of messy you're on, God is always there ready to go elbow deep to meet you in grace and love.

Faithful Friday: Commencement

My baby is graduating middle school - today.
In a few short months he'll be (gulp) a high-schooler.

There's so many memories this triggers and, while I try very hard to let Noah have his moments as his own, I can't help but be brought back to Austin's 8th grade graduation.  It was our last year with him.

Never would we have believed when taking this photo that 

he'd be gone from this earth six short months later.

May 30, 2008

All those future hopes and dreams...gone in an instant.

In posting this picture, I realized by the time stamp it is exactly the same date as Noah's graduation.  May 30th.  Only his six years later.

In terms of time, Noah has already surpassed his older brother.  He reached the status of outliving him this month.  Another event I never expected so soon.

And so this momma heart flutters back and forth preparing for this day.
This day for Noah....my youngest.  My baby.

My little boy who has already walked a graduation line, in memory of his brother just two Mays ago...

My sweet guy who had to grow up so much faster than we'd wanted him to.  My not so little guy who towers over both Tim and me and already looks like he should be in high school.  Funny he used to be my "ittle mouse," as I recall him stomping his foot and shouting, "My not a ittle mouse, my a big boy!"

Yes, my son, you are now a big boy.

And for this son, I have so many Big plans and dreams.  Wishes for his future.
Prayers that his time in high school will be safe, will be full of learning, will be memorable.  Hope that he will grow into the man I already see him becoming.  That his character stretches to fill his giant frame.  That he remembers all the lessons we've taught him along the way - and will continue to do.  That he looks to God for the steps of his future.

 “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” Proverbs 16:3 

There are so many milestones ahead for his high school years.  Four years...so much I want to pack into this time.  And yet, I find myself tiptoeing.  Wondering if it is ok to let go and hope...to wish....to dream?  Doubts creep in and Evil whispers.

When I find myself fluttering, I cling to the Truth I know.  

No matter the earthly wishes I had for my oldest son, his future was (and is) ultimately secure.  Austin is now safe.  He's learned all the secrets of the world.  I can only imagine the moments he's had in Heaven.  Austin is Home and in the place we all long to be someday.  He was exactly who he was meant to be and here for exactly how long God planned.  Austin fulfilled his purpose.

So that is my earnest prayer for Noah as well.

God's plan, Noah's purpose.
Whoever, wherever, whenever...as God deemed it to be from the very beginning.  

“For we are God’s workmanship, 

created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 

which God prepared in advance for us to do.”  Ephesians 2:10

  

Happy Graduation Day, my big-little guy.  We are so very proud of you, Noah.
And we're here for you for whatever the future holds...

Oh, Deer!

I slept alone last night  - and my husband was home.  This is not normal for us, as we don't have a "sleep on the couch" type of marriage.  But, it's hunting season around here, and since my guys planned on getting up at 4 am, they decided to sleep in Noah's room to keep from waking me...as if that worked.

I heard them tip-toeing and whispering before the sun was up, slipping into camo of many layers.  Of course they know the rule is you can't leave until I get a hug and kiss, so both of them were soon at my bed saying good-bye.  As I hugged Noah, I told him "today is your day, I feel it" and wished them both luck, but included my typical be safe reminders.

Around 8 am (sleeping in for me), I awoke and grabbed my phone to check on them, just as it rang.  A very breathless and excited Noah was on the other end. 

"Did you get my text?!" he shouted. 

Disappointment quickly replaced his vocal tone, when I told him I hadn't.  He told me to call him when I did and hung up, refusing to answer any of the dozen questions I hit him with. 

Ding. Ding.

Text box open, four pictures soon came into view with a happy smiling boy and heap of deer.  I quickly called him back, keeping it on speaker so I could see the photos.

"What you get two for the price of one?" I joked when he answered.

Dad and son are now laughing in the background, as Noah proceeds to give me the play by play.  Like rapid fire ammunition, he goes through his morning, Tim shooting in his comments every other sentence.  I can tell how proud Noah is - and how proud Tim is of Noah. 

A couple hours later they drop by so we can see the kill in person.  Adrenaline is still flowing, flushed cheeks, antsy with anticipation of me joining them outside.  I put my squeamish-poor-Bambi feelings aside and head for the truck, congratulating him on his win.  Nothing compares to seeing Noah smiling - or his Dad's giggles, as he beams at his son.  It always, always brings me joy.



My Big Hunter





Hard to believe just two short years ago was

 Noah's first deer season. 

How much he's changed. 

My little guy...all grown up.

Growing Pains

It amazes me how quickly our kids grow.  In an instant, it seems like they go from tiny bundles of joy to towering teens.  Having to look up into my 6th grader's face just doesn't seem right; however, when I lock into those ocean-swirled eyes I'm taken right back to when he was a baby.  Whether it's a position I catch him sleeping him, or a tiny curl at the back of his neck, I'm reminded of when my little guy was actually little.

It's a bittersweet journey, watching your baby grow into a young man.  While I long for the sweet moments of yesterday, I dream for his tomorrows.  With each inch he grows, I realize again how soon all this will pass.  In his last year of elementary school, I know the days will fast forward sooner than I'm really ready.  This makes me hug deeper and make the most of every moment with him.

As if he's not aging fast enough, Noah's going through a growth spurt.  I guess that's to be expected when your inching towards 6 feet and only in the 6th grade.  Only 11, he's taller than me now.  He outgrows his shoes, it seems, in a matter of weeks.  And while all of this is hard on a momma, from the heartache of losing the baby in her boy to the sting of the wallet, it's also not easy watching him hurt. 

Growing legs result in aching pain that shoots down the length of him.  It was so strong last night that he was limping, hesitating to put much weight on it.  I pampered him, opening up the hot tub so he could soak and bringing him out a icy cold cream soda in a bottle.  As he crawled up next to me awhile later, still damp but in pajamas, I held him close.  While he may be taller than mom, I guess you never outgrow needing to be babied sometimes.  With a smile in my heart, I cherished every second and hugged even tighter.


"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."  - (from the Curious case of Benjamin Button)