Faithful Friday: Peace

Last Sunday, the candle of Peace was lit at our church.  Instantly, I was taken back to my greatest experience with true peace...the kind that only comes from God.

Peace from Above 

- originally posted on austinslegacy.blogspot.com

The night before Austin's visitation, I prayed for peace. Our emotions were so fragile and raw, I didn't know IF or How we would get through the services.

A simple phone call would set off a roller coaster of emotions, so much so that we gave our phones to family members to just take messages. We didn't want to seem rude but it was just too hard to live the horror over and over again with each new voice on the line.

We managed, for the most part, to do fairly well when visitors came to the house. I think it was a mixture of shock and the comforting distraction of being at home. I was worried though how we would handle the hours and overwhelming emotions that lay before us that week.

So I did the only thing I knew to do.  I prayed for peace.

At that point in our loss, we had no answers. When you lose a child, even with answers, it never seems right - or fair - or something you feel can completely wrap your mind around. It just doesn't make sense, life happens in a sequence and this type of loss is unexpected, unnatural. I didn't understand, certainly didn't agree, but I knew we needed God's help to get through.

Without realizing it, I began to pray from a scripture. Prior to that point, I don't know if I really even knew the true meaning. It wasn't until later, when I saw the scripture again in print, that I remembered it being my heart's prayer.

It always amazes me when the scriptures you've read over time come out in true form. That you not only understand them - but you live them.

People commented on how calm I was during visitation and at the funeral. I'm sure some thought I was medicated to get through it. But I didn't take so much as a Tylenol through that time - or since. Me "getting through" that difficult time was all God.

He gave me peace.

And it was a complete peace. I felt it wash over me as we entered the funeral home. It was incomprehensible. I still hurt and grieved for my child but I had peace. I knew where Austin was, I knew he was safe and happy and healthy and watching over us. It was a peace that passed all understanding. It was amazing and God is the only explanation.

That peace helped me get through the most difficult journey of burying my child. It is a journey no parent should ever have to make. The peace helped my family as well. They all looked to me and my emotions that week; I set the mood. My peace (His peace) carried over to them.

It didn't stay forever. There were deep, dark days of painful grieving. There still is sometimes. But that peace was there when I needed it most. For two complete days I had a glimpse of what Heaven must be like. That peace was amazing - there really are no words. That peace still helps me because I know someday we'll all have that,,,forever.

"Then God will give you peace, a peace which is too wonderful to understand. 

That peace will keep your hearts and minds safe as you trust in Christ Jesus."

Faithful Friday: New Attitude

When life is less than lovely and then a peace comes, do we ever see it in the moment?  From the point where you can't breathe to normal, can we notice the switch?

I don't know that I ever recognize the transformation as it happens, but I do try to gratefully appreciate the change once I realize it.  In the peace, I look back and am thankful for the relief. 


Perhaps peace comes with the passing of time.  Reflection, prayer, processing.

  Maybe...the long, holiday weekend on the water. 
Rest for the body, as well as the soul.

Or, it could be the chopping off of my hair.  A physical symbolism of starting this next phase of my life anew.  Doubtful, but I did leave the salon with a new attitude!

All those things may help ease stress, but I know where my peace comes from.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. 

Not as the world gives do I give to you. 

Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27

But beyond just surviving the storm, I work to learn from it.  What was God showing me in those moments when I was weak, incapable, and frustrated?  Who did I turn to or lean on when life was swirling out of control?

Summer 13' was anything but what I imagined or dreamed it to be.  Yet, as the end of the season came, the only pressing upon me was the sweltering heat.  All summer long the weather has been beautiful and bearable, life had been anything but.  In the end, the weather was miserably hot and oppressive but life was going to be ok.  Whatever outcome the future held, I was at peace.  Despite a week or two of weakness, I'd finally given it God.  Whatever will be, will be...

So the question now is, "What do I want to be when I grow up?"
Or rather, what does God want me to be?

Prayers appreciated for direction, discernment, and devotion to God as I navigate through this new chapter.  With each step, I'll continue to see the JOY in the journey.

I'm Still Standing...

Twice on Monday, I was taken aback.  First, it was pleasant news to find out that an article I'd submitted to an online magazine on the topic of "Finding Peace" would be ran.  Second, I was asked to exclude (or rather reduce) my religious tone and sections about God.

Wow.

This brought me great pause.  Instinctively my initial reaction was to say, "No God, no deal," but I prayed and thought more on the situation, and ultimately agreed with their minor tweaks.  Might I add that I'm in no way speaking poorly of the magazine.  I understand their reasoning for the position they have to take, even if my personal beliefs are different. And I was and am honored to be featured.  My allowance came from knowing not everything I had written about God, and how he's healed us through great loss, would be taken out. 

If even one sentence could make a difference, change someone's heart, then I was ok with that.

Maybe that one sentence would provide someone hope, or courage, to seek out God in the midst of their pain.  I honestly do not know how one would survive such a tragedy as child loss without God's help.  Truly, it saddens me to think of grieving parents out there who don't have Him in their life.

This adds to the concern I've had all week, after our pastor shared a scary statistic on Sunday.  85% of our county - a small, rural "everybody knows your name" kind of place - do not attend church.  On any given Sunday, 20,000 people are doing something else.  My town, which I've lived in my whole life, chose to raise my kids in, love and feel safe in... is not churched.  This makes me sad.

Have I been among the 20,000?  Yep.  I've been lazy, undedicated, lost.  I'd convinced myself for awhile that I didn't need church - that it didn't factor into the relationship I had with God.  Have I tried to reject God?  Tearfully, yes.  Anger welled inside me from the moment they called time on my precious son in the emergency room.  But I fought it.  I crawled myself out of the hole and reached for God, even through anger, because I knew in my soul He would be the only way I'd survive. 

In case you're curious, here's my original post.  Really, when I compare them side by side, there wasn't a great amount of change.  Still, those words meant something to me when I wrote them - and still do today.

Our continual restoration comes only from the Master Carpenter. God is the only answer I can give as to why we've survived all this time without Austin. Only through Him did we find peace, strength and hope. .....how true those words are.

And, the only reason I am Still Standing.

Faithful Friday: Worry Not

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7

Last Friday's post could have easily shared this scripture, as it was certainly on my heart.  It's just a little hard to write a post when you're fighting traffic to pick up kids early from school and seek shelter before the storm.  Plus, I'd already written a Suess-themed post, which was timely since it was his birthday.

As last week kicked off meteorological spring, this scripture is especially timely.  Storms make many nervous.  Tornadoes can bring anxiety.  There is fear in the unknown, things you cannot control.  But worrying about an impending tornado does nothing to change it.  Stressing about the situation doesn't change it's path.  Preparation is certainly important to remain as safe as possible, but being anxious should not be part of the plan.

I know that is sometimes easier said than done.  As a mom, it's my nature to worry about the safety of my family.  When a storm threatens that, part of me wants to crawl under my bed with them and worry it away.  A larger piece of me knows though the best thing to do in these situations is pray, safety measures aside.

Although we were blessed with only minor tornado damage, I know others were not so fortunate.  Lives were lost.  Towns destroyed.  Homes, now an empty lot.  While I cannot relate to that type of trauma, I do know loss.  And I know that while answers aren't always there, peace can be found.  In the midst of the pain, the confusion, the heartache, God can provide peace. 

Just as the scripture says, it passes all understanding.  I cannot explain the how and why, just that it arrives.  It was there in those excruciating first days of losing Austin and has been what has carried me through so many difficult steps since.  And it was there last Friday.  Throughout the chaos and uncertainty, there was peace.  In a constant connected prayer to Him, I felt shielded.  I knew our family was in God's hands, regardless of the tornado's path.

For whatever worries are on your mind today, know that help is just a prayer away.  My hope is that you'll also find peace, in the midst of life's storms.