Friday, September 27, 2013

Faithful Friday: No Words

I posted a sentence yesterday on social media that came to me, after talking to someone who is (and has been) going through an extremely difficult year. 

"The true test of our faith isn't when life is good, 
it's when life is falling apart and we're on our knees."  

Little did I know that moments later I would be on my own knees.  
A crumpled mess on the floor, praying incomprehensibly.

"In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should,  but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."  Romans 8:26

On my lunch hour, and reading my Bible, I see a call come in from Tim.  We often check in on each other's day, so no other thought came to mind when I answered hello. Knowing my impending reaction, he did an amazing job staying calm while talking to me.  I don't remember much about the conversation other than the scary bits which stood out, shook me to the core, and brought uncontrollable sobs from within me.

"on my way to pick up Noah"
                                                      "with school nurse"
                                                                                            "lost consciousness"

Tim tried to console me, assuring me Noah was alert and ok, and that he'd call me back.  All I know is that in those moments I was pulled straight to five years ago.  Flashbacks that haven't attacked me for some time came flooding through.  

This season is all too familiar with painful memories.  Though I love fall, the changing trees are a signal that November is around the corner.  Of reliving the unimaginable.  Of life spiraling.

Noah's looks have changed as he's grown, matured.  He is one year from the age Austin was when we lost him.  So many similarities just in the physical sense.  

In other ways too, like how even as teenagers they'd both flock to babies.  

Austin with Allen - Oct 2008
Noah with Rae - Aug 2013
Walking beside Noah and holding his arm to stabilize him at the doctor, more flashes and glimpses.  Noah's face was flushed, his cheek with streaks of red.  ...that face, heart wrenching memories.

His body language spoke volumes, hands shaking from the unknown, heart racing, timid steps.  Noah was scared and I was reminded to push all my pain and nightmares to the side, to help calm him.  Mom couldn't crumple.  Mom could only comfort and pray.  And dispatch prayers from loyal warriors on the ready with the sending of a text.  

For what seemed an eternity later, the answer was somewhat consoling, though full details are still uncertain.  What we think happened, is that Noah hit his knee in the booth at lunch, sending a pain signal so severe that caused him to faint.  We've had some conflicting stories from students who witnessed his fall, which only causes this momma to worry more, but I'm trying to give it to God.

There's no real explanation for why these things happen, and to most it would probably be just an interesting story to share.  For this family, who has lived the unimaginable, it hit a little too close to home.  It was yet another reminder of our longing for the Home in which pain will no longer be a factor.  Where fear is no more.

"In the same way, we can see and understand only a little about God now, as if we were peering at his reflection in a poor mirror; but someday we are going to see him in his completeness, face-to-face. Now all that I know is hazy and blurred, but then I will see everything clearly, just as clearly as God sees into my heart right now." 1 Corinthians 13:12(TLB)
And that's the only comfort I can share with a handful of families who've been in my constant prayers this year.  There's no explanation for why they are going through the tumultuous season they are.  I can't say why bad things happen to good people.  I only know that in those moments when you feel God is turning against you, when you're angry, when you can't make sense of life, He is never closer.  He has never stopped loving you.  And He ultimately wants only the best for you.  His timing just sometimes can't be explained in this world.  

Whatever you're facing, it is temporary, difficult as it may be.  
It may feel like never-ending pain.
Yearn for the eternal.  Lean on Him.  He will hold you through this storm...



Anna See said...

Oh, Sweetie, that must have been terrifying. Sending prayers too your family. Thank you for the reminder of the JOY that is to come!

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