The Pause

There's a bend in a road I travel occasionally that takes me back to when Tim and I were first dating. Whenever I drive it, no matter the weather, I roll the windows down and remember what the breeze felt like all those years ago.  Riding on his motorcycle, my arms around his waist, nestled up to his strong back, there was a warm safety that continues to do this day.

Back then, young and full of dreams, I would envision our life together.  Thinking of our future always filled with me happiness and I couldn't wait to be his wife.  Being with him then, wind in my hair, our love felt carefree and that's how I imagined our marriage would be.

Twenty-some-odd years later, there has been much joy and days upon days of happiness, but there has also been loss and heartache, sickness and pain.  I don't know a marriage that doesn't have a mixture of it all.

Last Saturday night, I was stewing a bit and not feeling the hearts and butterflies of that young love.  Tim had been an absolute grump and was not my favorite person.  And even though I more than a little frustrated with him, I sat thinking about how often little hiccups like ours send some couples right apart.  Maybe it is because we've endured most of life's big ones, but I just don't understand how easy it is for marriages to simply end.  So often I see emotions dictate permanent decisions.  It saddens me to see others fall "out of love" faster than they fell in, as I don't know how that's possible.

Maybe I'm extra sappy from the week's experiences, but Tim is my person.  My best friend.  My soul mate.  And I can't imagine life without him.  

Almost exactly a week ago, I wrote about prayer.  Little did I know that God was preparing my heart for a storm.  While my mind was heavy with the needs of others, I neglected to see those of my husband.  

After over twenty years together, I should've seen his grumpiness last weekend for what it was.  My husband was not well.

I went to bed in tears Saturday for his attitude and awoke in tears for his safety.  Waking for church, I finally noticed signs that something wasn't right.  Struggling for nearly every breath, we locked eyes and he admitted what I saw.  Hearing him ask to go to doctor, while clutching his chest, is a snapshot in time I'd soon forget.  Though I remained calm, there were pieces of me breaking inside, as they

they took him back for tests in the ER.  

Sitting with my back to the same shared wall that I said goodbye to my son in eight years ago, I questioned my peace.  Was I dreaming?  Was I really back here?  For awhile, it was as if I had a foot in both places, remembering my screams that November night and quietly petitioning for Tim's healing in the room I now waited.

To date, we still don't have answers and he is still struggling.  We spent a long night in the hospital with every test coming back normal.  While I am grateful, it is hard to watch the love of your life hurting, uncertain, and not being able to do anything but pray.

As such, I've spent a lot of time at His feet this week.  

At one point in the hospital, my body so physically tired from watching over Tim and mind racing with prayers, I just mentally imagined myself there.  I didn't know what else to say, what other prayer to offer, so I simply said, "I'm here, Jesus....I'm here."

Often in this life, we don't get the answers we're looking for and sometimes we have to wait.  Neither are easy but I trust in His timing.  And I'm listening to what He's trying to teach me in the pause.  

Still Standing: October

Life sure has a way of knocking you down, while you're down.  At least that's how it feels around here sometimes.

Before we've even had a chance to catch our breath from a bumpy summer and unexpected change in our family, we receive more unsettling news this week.

We're really not at a place where we can share just yet, but prayers are appreciated, especially for my husband.

Though the future is uncertain we're holding on to the One who holds our future.

October is among my most favorite of months, but I'm realizing a trend that makes it difficult to love it fully as I used to.  It's very much a month of before...

I captured what I called the "Calm Before the Storm" in my first post as a contributing author for Still Standing Magazine.

Thanks to Timehop, I was reminded that I've had the honor of writing for this beautiful place of support for those facing child loss exactly two years ago.

My latest post with them has received a response I wasn't expecting.  Often it is those pieces I pour out quickly, which seem to resonate the most.  While the loss of a child is as unique as the person grieving, whatever my heart shared a few days ago met and matched many.

If you've faced such a loss, perhaps you'll find comfort that however you're feeling, you're not alone.

Who is a Grieving Mother

All that to say, sometimes I have to look back to see how far we've come.  No matter what temporary trial we are enduring, we've already faced the unimaginable.  And yet...

we're Still Standing.

Downpour

Ever feel like the saying, "when it rains it pours" is an understatement?  That just about sums up my life lately.  I don't know why but it seems that bad news and events seem to like hanging around each other.  And, for whatever reason, they've chosen to visit many in my family this month! 

At this point, I almost expect the phone to ring, telling me of another illness, problem, or prayer needed.  In the past month, both in and out of my immediate family, every single person, on both my mother and father's, side has had health concerns or other issues.  In our own home, Tim's suffering from debilitating back pain from a recent wreck we were in.  While the wreck seemed so minor at the time, it was Tim's second in a month (neither his fault), and has caused a world of trouble for him.  Not one to lie around, being off work and on bed rest is just about unbearable for him, not to mention the pain.

My Grandmother suffered from a few falls, and with her declining vision, has had to stop driving.  This has been such a change for her, as she's one of the busiest most active 80-something-year-olds I know.  This, in addition to just recently losing her sister, has made it a difficult few weeks.  To add to her heartache, her only daughter was placed in the hospital this week and doctor's are uncertain exactly what is wrong.  With my Aunt's history of cancer and heart problems though, we're all prayerfully concerned.

My Dad's health has had ups and downs the past couple of years but he's had a rough summer.  My Mom fell last week, landing hard on her chin and knees.  She already has pain and mobility issues so this hasn't helped her.  Added to it, is concern for her husband, my step dad.  Since his stroke last year, his health has also declined and the past week he's been feeling ill. 

Each of my siblings are facing difficulties as well, many of which involve more personal information than I'm willing to share in a post.  My youngest niece is facing concerning health issues in that she's only three and having problems with her leg that doctors and even specialists are puzzled over.  To see her little body limping in pain just breaks my heart and I pray we find answers soon.  And my oldest sister, who has made some poor choices in her life, just recently lost custody of her three children.  Now all three are living in different homes and we've welcomed the youngest daughter into ours.

As someone who is sometimes overly dramatic, I promise there is no embellishment in this laundry list of family crises.  In fact, I've shared lightly because so much of it doesn't involve me.  That's probably what makes all of this harder - because I have to watch everyone hurting, knowing I can't just easily go in and fix any of it.  So what's one to do when those they love are in need of something I can't provide?  How do you face each day with a positive outlook when things look so dreary and uncertain? 
While I don't have all the answers, and can't explain the why of many things, I trust God with my troubles.  Even without explanations, I know He can provide us with peace in times of chaos.  And while I would never wish for my family to be in pain, I know that in times of need we draw closer to God, at least I do.  I appreciate the closeness that trying times bring me to Him.  Just as flowers need rain, the downpours of life refresh our spirit after we've come through them.  And, without the valleys, we don't appreciate the mountains near as much.

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.  -Romans 8:18