Joy in Pain?

When pain is present it tries to take over everything.  Priorities shift without your consent.  Focus is lost. Panic spreads. Fear invades.  Pain is controlling, isolating, debilitating.

My poor hubby is still battling lots of pain and little answers.  He's been strapped onto a health roller coaster the past six months and all of us are ready for departure.

Watching someone you love hurting and being unable to fix it is the absolute worst feeling.  This past weekend was spent in a cloud of chaos and emotions, as we witnessed him suffering with nothing to do to ease his pain.  At times, the pain was so great that there was no position to find comfort and sleep wasn't even possible.

He had every reason to be grumpy or irritable but wasn't, even when we made a wasted trip out for help or when two giant needles were shoved into his knee.  Through it all, he joked around, shared kindness and left people with a smile.  He continually amazes me.

I'd like to say his wife modeled the same but instead I stewed...and worried...and showed frustration.  Sunday I snapped at Noah to get out of bed and ready for church, then slumped onto a footstool in tears, pouring out my prayers at His feet.

I was saddened for Tim, scared for our future and angry this was happening.

When you've faced great suffering in life, there comes a point when you feel the quota has been met.  At times I just wanted to scream, haven't we been through enough?  Bitterness can easily creep in and fill the spaces, pushing out any chance for hope, if we let it.  I could feel emotions bubbling, as I battered back and forth with God.  From irritation to desperation.

Yet every time the enemy would hiss and bring up flashes of all we've endured, I would find myself countering with all God's blessings and promises.  And my heart would lift up scripture from deep within that would bring me peace.

In this life you will have trouble...

but do not worry about tomorrow...

for our present troubles are small...

not worth comparing to the glory that awaits

In the midst of Tim's struggles, our family has been in constant prayer for the new pastor God is calling to our church.  I know it isn't a coincidence that as I have served in this role, we've been under ongoing attacks.  I also know the enemy wants nothing more but to distract me from the task at hand. This could easily discourage me, yet the fact that Satan has been so busy fills me with excitement for what is to come.  Big spiritual attacks mean bigger plans for salvation.  

This I know above all....My God is greater.  My God provides.  My God's promises never fail.

Good - beyond my imagination - is on the horizon and I'm sustained in resting in this knowledge.  Joy fills me, despite the pain we are presently enduring, because I know who holds our future.

Even when we feel weak, we can be strong in God's power.  Even in suffering and pain, we can rejoice.

The Pause

There's a bend in a road I travel occasionally that takes me back to when Tim and I were first dating. Whenever I drive it, no matter the weather, I roll the windows down and remember what the breeze felt like all those years ago.  Riding on his motorcycle, my arms around his waist, nestled up to his strong back, there was a warm safety that continues to do this day.

Back then, young and full of dreams, I would envision our life together.  Thinking of our future always filled with me happiness and I couldn't wait to be his wife.  Being with him then, wind in my hair, our love felt carefree and that's how I imagined our marriage would be.

Twenty-some-odd years later, there has been much joy and days upon days of happiness, but there has also been loss and heartache, sickness and pain.  I don't know a marriage that doesn't have a mixture of it all.

Last Saturday night, I was stewing a bit and not feeling the hearts and butterflies of that young love.  Tim had been an absolute grump and was not my favorite person.  And even though I more than a little frustrated with him, I sat thinking about how often little hiccups like ours send some couples right apart.  Maybe it is because we've endured most of life's big ones, but I just don't understand how easy it is for marriages to simply end.  So often I see emotions dictate permanent decisions.  It saddens me to see others fall "out of love" faster than they fell in, as I don't know how that's possible.

Maybe I'm extra sappy from the week's experiences, but Tim is my person.  My best friend.  My soul mate.  And I can't imagine life without him.  

Almost exactly a week ago, I wrote about prayer.  Little did I know that God was preparing my heart for a storm.  While my mind was heavy with the needs of others, I neglected to see those of my husband.  

After over twenty years together, I should've seen his grumpiness last weekend for what it was.  My husband was not well.

I went to bed in tears Saturday for his attitude and awoke in tears for his safety.  Waking for church, I finally noticed signs that something wasn't right.  Struggling for nearly every breath, we locked eyes and he admitted what I saw.  Hearing him ask to go to doctor, while clutching his chest, is a snapshot in time I'd soon forget.  Though I remained calm, there were pieces of me breaking inside, as they

they took him back for tests in the ER.  

Sitting with my back to the same shared wall that I said goodbye to my son in eight years ago, I questioned my peace.  Was I dreaming?  Was I really back here?  For awhile, it was as if I had a foot in both places, remembering my screams that November night and quietly petitioning for Tim's healing in the room I now waited.

To date, we still don't have answers and he is still struggling.  We spent a long night in the hospital with every test coming back normal.  While I am grateful, it is hard to watch the love of your life hurting, uncertain, and not being able to do anything but pray.

As such, I've spent a lot of time at His feet this week.  

At one point in the hospital, my body so physically tired from watching over Tim and mind racing with prayers, I just mentally imagined myself there.  I didn't know what else to say, what other prayer to offer, so I simply said, "I'm here, Jesus....I'm here."

Often in this life, we don't get the answers we're looking for and sometimes we have to wait.  Neither are easy but I trust in His timing.  And I'm listening to what He's trying to teach me in the pause.  

Lead Me

Tears brimming.  Voice shaky and cracked when words escape.  The stress from the past few days overwhelmed me as I broke down in front of my husband.  

"What do we do?!" 

Heavy uncertainty lingered in the room.  My husband's hand on the door, waiting.

I whispered, "I guess we just keep praying."

"You're right," he said, as his hands left the door, clasped with mine, and he led us in prayer.

My worries melted and, despite the pain of the moment, I found myself lifting up prayers of gratitude to God.  Forgetting the current struggle and celebrating, as my soul pondered what a beautiful gift this husband is.  Oh, what a change He has made in him!  And us.

Most nights, now, I drift asleep to the sound of my husband reading the Bible.  

Tears falling at the magnitude of this single sentence.
How many years...the number of prayers whispered. 

For so long I prayed for my husband's relationship with God to grow.  After we lost our oldest son, I feared those prayers would never be answered.

Not only did I hope for him to be stronger in the Lord, I yearned for my husband to become the spiritual leader of our home.  To be the man I knew God had planned for him to be.

Most of our marriage, I took the reigns when it came to our Christian walk.  My constant prayer was that Tim wouldn't just join me at church but lead us.  To not just attend but be present, engaged.  And there were many years I doubted.  Wondered if God heard my pleas.

Austin's been gone nearly seven years.

Unimaginable pain we've endured.  Unspeakable loss.  A broken that isn't easily mended.  My husband's shattered heart was visible, even from the outside.  The spark had left him, as well as his trust in the Lord.  He was angry, uncertain, hurt.

To fast forward to where we are now.  The progress and change that has evolved the past few years.  It can't be summed up in a few lines for this post.  But what I can say, simply, is that God can move mountains!  In all things He works for the good.

As I write this, my soul connects to other women I know facing this prayer.  I join them, knees bent.

If this is you today, my sister, please know God hears you.  He knows.  It has already been planned.  In the midst of your storm, He has already formed your rainbow.  Just cling onto Him.  Trust in His timing.  And have faith that He only wants the very best for you - and the man you love.

Don't lose heart!  Never cease praying.  

For when the answer arrives and you witness the powerful change that only comes from the hand of God, oh, what a blessing it will be.  How wonderful His mercy and grace!

In gratitude for the leader God's gifted to our home.


Linking up today with:

Book Review: Wife After God

God most certainly had heavy intentions for me to spend time this year in prayer for my husband.  It began around November and the theme has carried through ever since.  Going in, I certainly didn't expect him to need to be so padded in my prayers, but I'm so thankful God led me there.

It was no surprise to me when I found out last week that I'd been selected to review another devotional about - you guessed it - praying for your husband/marriage/etc.

I've had the privilege this week to peruse through "Wife After God," by Jennifer Smith.  I cannot wait to actually take the time to give it 30 full days and dig in even deeper.

"This devotional study was prayerfully composed with 30 days of biblical concepts and practical challenges to help you nourish your relationship with God and your relationship with your husband in marriage into ones that are captivating, intimate and extraordinary. Every day you will be presented with a biblical topic to help draw your nearer to your God and your husband."

You can get your copy here.

In my words?
This book is a simple, easy to read, devotion that takes you on a journey.  No matter what stage your marriage is in, there is something to be gained by taking these scriptures and message to heart and to practice.  I have no doubt that God puts this book into the hands of those whose marriage or husband needs it.  So, if you're reading this....simply scroll up a paragraph, click the link, get the book, and soak up the spiritual gifts He is sending your way!

What does it take from you?

30 days.
A Bible.
A journal...notebook....or the back pages of your kid's homework.
Commitment and an open, prayerful mind.

Each day opens in scripture, a message or story, questions to ponder, and the part I liked best about the book - a challenge.

Being the competitive person I am, put the word challenge in front of something and I am motivated to do it.  The great part of these challenges though is that there will always be two winners - you and your hubby.

What I've learned on my journey of praying more consistently and focused for my husband is that it doesn't just benefit him.  It draws me closer to God, which makes me a person, mom, and wife.

Faithful Friday: February Prayer Dare

As most of you loyal readers know, I began reading Sharon Jaynes book, “Praying for Your Husband from Head to Toe” this past December.  It is a wonderful book and one I highly recommend for any wife!
 

Sharon has a 30-day prayer dare challenge she sends out to go along with the book, where you focus on a specific part of your husband’s body each day and also give them a “love nudge” to let them know you are praying for and thinking of them.

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I thought I’d include a few of her love nudges, in case you wanted to join in.  Might I add that to fully do your husband justice, you should consider following along in Sharon’s book.  You can get your copy here. 

And, since Valentine’s Day is on the 14^th, I’ll only include her first 14.  If you want to send your hubby a full month of love, you’ll need to subscribe to Sharon’sPrayer Dare.  

(Yes, I'm asking you to send a little love Sharon's way!)  J

 As there was a bit more space, I also included a few extra scriptures to use for bonus prayers leading up to Valentine’s day.  I can’t imagine any greater gift than showering your spouse with love by lifting them up in prayer.

Because love...always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserveres, and never fails.

 

 Praying for your Husband from Head to Toe

 

February - Prayer Dare

 

 Praying for your Husband from Head to Toe

 

February - Prayer Dare

 

 

 

Book Review: #Praying4husbands

In my life I've said many prayers for my husband, even before we were married.  Thinking back over the course of those twenty plus years though, most of my prayers have been reactive.  I've gone to the Lord for Tim in times of need, or at the result of something he, or we, were struggling with.

I've prayed selfishly, for changes I wanted in Tim, but not always for God's will.

For my husband, I've prayed for his health, in times of sickness.  But not enough in times of health.

God has heard many prayers for my husband's faith.  And in His sweet and perfect timing, he's answered them.  But still I pray...for his continued walk and relationship to grow in the Lord.

I've prayed for our marriage.  So many, many prayers for this marriage.  Prayers said for not just my husband but for me.  From early fights over burnt mac & cheese to the heart sob prayers through depths that could've easily broken us.  God's grace has covered our unity and kept us together, despite the trials of this life.  Or maybe because of the trials...

But when there hasn't been valleys to dig out of, or mountains to climb, have I really prayed for my husband daily?  Have I been proactive in prayers for him? In the plateaus of life, have my lips uttered prayers for my husband from head to toe? 

And on those ordinary days, what even do you pray?  Am I the only one that feels God grows tired of my stale prayers.  Like a repetitive record, sometimes just going through the motions, I wonder if my God rolls His eyes at my monotonous requests.  Or worse, in the times I've taken him or our marriage for granted and not bowed in prayer at all.  Forgive me, Lord...

Back in November, I shared with you that I'd been selected to receive an early copy of the book, "Praying for your Husband from Head to Toe."

If you follow me on social media, I've been sharing excerpts from the book, even before it arrived.  Friday night, Tim brought in the book from our icy mailbox.  Part of me wanted to dig right in and devour it all.  I hungrily got through the first section.  By Saturday, I began day one and quickly discovered this is not a speed read book. 

Can I even do a review justice after only reading through Day 2?  I think so.

God has spoken to me so much with just the first sixty pages of this book.  So much so that I don't want to skip ahead.  My husband deserves the investment of time to take it day by day, to fully soak up each prayer and lift every one of them to God.  For him.  For us.

I find myself conflicted, wanting to read the next sentences but needing to close my eyes in prayer with each paragraph. 

And that's exactly what this book is.  A book of prayers.  Sharon doesn't just give you a guide, she lays out each beautiful prayer for you.  God surely worked through her pen to provide prayers that He knew every single wife would need.  Whether you are newly-weds or celebrating a golden anniversary, there is good in this book for your marriage.  I would even say that a single woman could use this book to pray for her husband to be. 

A Wow God moment happened today as I prepared this post.  Searching my blog for "husband, prayers" I came across one written almost a year ago.  Guess what it was about? 

Just as He guided me to those prayers last January, He knew I needed this book now.  I'm so blessed to get to share it with you.  It is my prayer for each of you to share in the joy of praying for your husbands.  Amen and Amen.

Faithful Friday: I've Got Your Back

When you bow your head, who is the first person you pray for? 

If you're married, without fail, it should be your spouse. And I can say I've failed Tim many times through the years.  It wasn't that I didn't want to pray for him, other needs just seemed to float the top.  Perhaps I took for granted that God knew the prayers of my heart without me sending them up to Him. 

There's certainly been seasons he's been the sole focus of my prayer, but again, it was a pressing need that drove me to lifting him up.  I've seen the work, the progress, the changes for the better when my focus was to put Tim first.

My pastor has shared often that he prays daily first and foremost for his wife, then his kids, then his church and so on.  It is through his guidance and reminder, I've committed to putting Tim top of my list no matter what.  God has gifted me with this man and he is worth the time of my prayers.

It's no coincidence that God is sending me Sharon Jayne's new book Praying For Your Husband from Head to Toe.  Her book is available for pre-order now and will be in stores by December 17.  I'm among a lucky few who will be getting an early copy this week.  Stay tuned to my blog for reviews!

 

"no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed,
    and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord    and their vindication from me, declares the Lord.” Isaiah 54:17

 

If Tim were threatened, I wouldn't hesitate to protect him.  I'm always at the ready to stand up for Tim, to encourage him, to defend him.  This scripture is a reminder though that I should be proactive not reactive in protecting my husband.  The best way to have his back is to lift him up in prayer.

 

Wives, will you join me?

Faithful Friday: Everyday Joyful Moments

Maybe it's the emotions of Mother's Day upcoming...
Or, the sad recent news of several friends receiving cancer diagnoses...
Or just the acute knowledge of what a gift every single day is with those you love...

Whatever it is, I've soaked up the blessings of everyday moments this week, grateful within the experience and later still upon reflection. 

This past weekend we spent a rainy Saturday working on a school project.  Something I've missed doing with Noah, now that he's a teen in middle school.  A couple years ago, projects were sometimes a weekly activity, and thinking back, I don't know that I always enjoyed every one at the time. 
As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Elbow deep in sticky, melting marshmallows, Noah and I soon remembered why we don't often make Rice Crispy treats.  After about the 400th stir, he exclaimed, "Who needs to work out at the gym?  Just make these things!"

Tim walked through the kitchen at one point, as we were both stuck to wads of soon to be planets trying to mold them, and not suffer second degree burns at the speed of light, before the gooey bits of cereal permanently glued to the pan.  He glanced back and forth between us and the mess, shook his head, and exited quickly. 

What Tim didn't realize was how he missed out on the mini science experiment, as we worked to concoct matching colors for each of the planets.  Sneaking fingers into the frosting for a lick in between our painting.  Limitless giggles and jokes.  And watching Noah repeat, "My Very Eager Mother Just Served Us Nachos" a couple dozen times to ensure he had them glued into the right order.  It was a fun afternoon and I'm thankful he still appreciates and wants Mom's assistance.

Monday I dropped in on my Grandma with a double surprise: 

#1 - Me in the middle of the afternoon, #2 - a giant red velvet cupcake to celebrate her birthday a day late.  A pot of coffee and a belly full of sugar and laughs later, I left misty eyed and grateful for the simple moments with one of the most influential women in my life. 

Tuesday on the way home from picking up Tina from an after school activity, we began to chat, as we often do.  Our chat moved more to a serious conversation though and I regretted we were so close to home.  What I loved is that after pulling into the driveway, neither of us stopped.  We just kept talking, bonding, sharing...until we were done.  Twenty minutes later as we walked in the house, Tina remarked how surprised she was at the length of time we'd been outside.  It blesses my heart to think of how much healing, progress, and transformation we've made since she's come into our home.  Oh, the changes we've seen the past two years.

Last night, after our devotion, though few words were said volumes were spoken.  Praying for a couple who is facing uncertain days because of a serious diagnosis, Tim and I were painfully aware of what a gift from God our marriage is. 

We know how fragile life is, how normal can change in an instant.  Though silent, our hold shared how thankful we both were for the other.  It was powerful, tangible, and I fell asleep in the midst of ceaseless prayers for my husband, our marriage, and our future.

Everyday, yet anything but ordinary...these precious relationships I treasure so.

Every time we think of you, we thank God for you. 

1 Thessalonians 1:2

Faithful Friday: Bossy Pants

Tim and I shared a sweet connection the other night.  Finished with our devotion, we were facing each other in the bed, with the soft glow of the lamp cast around us.  I asked him why he first fell in love with me and was surprised with his answer.

"Your personality," he said without a pause.

Really? I thought and exclaimed.  For whatever reason, this just shocked me. 

Maybe it is just because God's really been working on me.  Since selecting my One Word for 2013, he continually speaks to me on submitting.  To him.  To my husband.  And I know that I haven't always done this.  Especially with Tim.

It seems backwards but sometimes our family gets the worst of us.  I'm comfortable with Tim and I'm 100% me - all my faults laid out on the table.  I'm stubborn, opinionated, and bossy.  Yet, he loves me anyway.  Not just in spite of but maybe even because of my weaknesses?  Or perhaps love is blind.

Whatever the case, I know I'm blessed.  And I know without a shadow of a doubt that Tim is exactly who God meant for me - and I for him.  He paired us together in his perfect plan.  We balance each other, which is perhaps why our relationship has not just survived but thrived through the years.

After our Lifegroup tonight, I thought more on my sometimes bossy and persistent nature and when I've been the opposite.  Being married so long with Tim, I know where to push and where to let go and let God. 

Though we've always followed Him in our marriage, Tim and I weren't always in the same place in our walk with God.  At times, I longed for Tim to take the lead as the Christian role model in our home.  I saw the greatness that God had gifted in him long before he did - even now Tim doubts at times his potential and part.  I know God still has great plans for him though, but I've learned that I can't push this along on my timeline.  God will work on and use Tim in His timing.

But it's amazing to look back and see God's handiwork from our prayers. For years, I prayed that He would speak to Tim concerning Sunday school.  Tim just never found his place there.  Out of his comfort zone, he just didn't see the point.  Though I wanted him to be a part of it, forcing it wasn't the answer.  So I simply prayed. 

In God's timing, now in our new church home, I'm seeing a change in Tim.  He not only attends Sunday school now with me, he enjoys it and participates.  We are growing together, drawing closer to Him, and each day is even better and new.  And I'm praising God for answering this plea.

God has a beautiful plan for all of us, yet he calls us to pray for our spouse and lift them up.  Maybe some of these scriptures below will help you in praying for your husband. 

1. Romans 10:9-13 – Pray that he will confess with his mouth and believe in his heart that Jesus is Lord so that he will be saved. His salvation is God’s will for his life!

2. Ephesians 5:25 – Pray that he will love you as Christ loves the church and that he will sacrifice for you and your family just as Christ did.

3. Colossians 3:23 – Pray that in his work he will be devoted to working as unto the Lord and not to simply please man. Pray that by him doing so, he will be a light for Christ in his workplace.

4. Philemon 1:6 – Pray that he will have boldness in sharing his faith with others, bringing many to faith in Christ.

5. Acts 16:31 – Pray that his faith in Christ will pave the way for the salvation of his entire family. God is able to soften the hardest of hearts!

6. Romans 12:2 – Pray that he will reject the ways of this world and cling to Jesus Christ so that his mind will be renewed by truth and he will be able to know and understand God’s will for himself and your family.

7. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – Pray that his love would be patient and kind, and that as he loves like Jesus loves, healthy relationships in all areas of his life would be the result.

8. Galatians 5:16 – Pray that he will daily walk in the Spirit and by the fruit of the Spirit so that he does not fall prey to sin and its temptations.

9. Ephesians 5:1-2 – Pray that he becomes increasingly more like Jesus Christ, imitating Him in all that he does so that his life will leave a lasting impact on others.

10. Philippians 2:3-5 – Pray that in all things, his attitude would reflect Christ’s and that he would live a life of humility, never seeking personal gain at the expense of others.

*Scripture Source: www.neuething.org