Restored

My soul has been praying for restoration for our family for many years.  Perhaps from the moment of losing my oldest son.

In the depths of chaos and unimaginable grief, even in those first hours, I knew peace and restoration from God would be the only way we would survive.  Back then, I tucked the hope for being restored deep within my heart, for I was hurt and scared -even mad at God- and unsure if He'd ever answer another prayer of mine.

For those early years, we were held together only by His grace, but slowly, piece by piece, I began to see signs of being restored.

Our family laughed again.  The dark cloud that consumed my husband was showing signs of light.  Fear began to give way from my youngest son's eyes.  Joy was returning.

It was a gradual change.  A see-saw of emotions at times.  While we experienced some highs, in looking back, it felt like the wind was knocked out of us again and again, year after year.  Every time we'd glimpse a peek of mountain tops, we'd come crashing back down with a new blow.  The last couple of years were unexpectedly rough, for very different reasons, but again we saw our family being torn apart before we could return together whole.


In the midst of that new grief, my prayer became a constant, louder whisper from within my heart.

Restore us, God.  Restore.

Not just in our family of three but within the circles of others we loved.  So many breaks and fractures since losing Austin, perhaps all in some way connected.  Some from poor choices in grief, some from a lifetime of mistakes.  But I knew that the only way we could ever be whole again, even if patched together, would be by the hand of God.

Though God led me to choose "Forward" as my word for 2016, the underlying theme has always been restoration.  Forward was just where He wanted me to look.  To let go of hurts from the past and see the good He has in store.

Restore has been my prayer, from my seat in church, in my bed, hands locked with my husband and knees bent.

All of this came swirling around me upon our entrance to the Women of Joy conference last month.  Though I'm sure at some point I heard or saw the theme of WOJ, it didn't resonate until that very moment.  As I looked down at the pamphlet in my trembling hand and saw the screens in the distance, it was as if God himself was revealing the message.  Immediately a sense of peace about the weekend -and all that is to come- washed over me.

God is so good.

He has restored our brokenness.  He has calmed our storms.  He has promised good to come.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation 

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Psalm 51:12

Lead Me

Tears brimming.  Voice shaky and cracked when words escape.  The stress from the past few days overwhelmed me as I broke down in front of my husband.  

"What do we do?!" 

Heavy uncertainty lingered in the room.  My husband's hand on the door, waiting.

I whispered, "I guess we just keep praying."

"You're right," he said, as his hands left the door, clasped with mine, and he led us in prayer.

My worries melted and, despite the pain of the moment, I found myself lifting up prayers of gratitude to God.  Forgetting the current struggle and celebrating, as my soul pondered what a beautiful gift this husband is.  Oh, what a change He has made in him!  And us.

Most nights, now, I drift asleep to the sound of my husband reading the Bible.  

Tears falling at the magnitude of this single sentence.
How many years...the number of prayers whispered. 

For so long I prayed for my husband's relationship with God to grow.  After we lost our oldest son, I feared those prayers would never be answered.

Not only did I hope for him to be stronger in the Lord, I yearned for my husband to become the spiritual leader of our home.  To be the man I knew God had planned for him to be.

Most of our marriage, I took the reigns when it came to our Christian walk.  My constant prayer was that Tim wouldn't just join me at church but lead us.  To not just attend but be present, engaged.  And there were many years I doubted.  Wondered if God heard my pleas.

Austin's been gone nearly seven years.

Unimaginable pain we've endured.  Unspeakable loss.  A broken that isn't easily mended.  My husband's shattered heart was visible, even from the outside.  The spark had left him, as well as his trust in the Lord.  He was angry, uncertain, hurt.

To fast forward to where we are now.  The progress and change that has evolved the past few years.  It can't be summed up in a few lines for this post.  But what I can say, simply, is that God can move mountains!  In all things He works for the good.

As I write this, my soul connects to other women I know facing this prayer.  I join them, knees bent.

If this is you today, my sister, please know God hears you.  He knows.  It has already been planned.  In the midst of your storm, He has already formed your rainbow.  Just cling onto Him.  Trust in His timing.  And have faith that He only wants the very best for you - and the man you love.

Don't lose heart!  Never cease praying.  

For when the answer arrives and you witness the powerful change that only comes from the hand of God, oh, what a blessing it will be.  How wonderful His mercy and grace!

In gratitude for the leader God's gifted to our home.


Linking up today with:

Faithful Friday: Slow Down, Christmas

I'm grabbing the reigns of the seasonal sleigh and yelling, "Whoa!"

Carefully, I tiptoed into the season.  No rush, no fuss.  But time passes without our permission.  The clock ticks whether we will it to slow down or not.  And now I find myself at the last chapter of Christmas.  Twelve days until...

My heart's prayer is that I soak up the most precious gift of Christmas.  That I hear God's still small voice in the hustle and bustle of the holiday. 

When I tune the radio of my life into Him and truly listen, he has so much to say...

God has shown this to be so, as he's certainly been speaking to me this week.  The consistent theme I've heard is "Trust God."  Easy to say, harder to do. 

Wednesday, I came to him in tearful prayers and with a heavy heart.  It seems to be raining on my extended family as of late, with clouds of insecurity on the future.  Having a couple of big decisions to make, I needed his guidance on where to go next.  Truly, I'd already heard his answer, but being the stubborn, head-strong woman I am continued to ask, "But are you sure, God?"

That morning I opened my Bible to read the passage my daily devotion led me, Genesis 22.  At the top of the page were three words written in my hand..."Trust God Completely!"

Wow. 

The message continued throughout the day, as passages and whispers of trust came to me.  The night ended at church, with our pastor sharing the familiar story of Jesus' birth, but focusing on how difficult it was for Joseph and Mary to Trust God.

Then, this morning, as I nestled into my spot beside the fragrant Christmas tree, God whispered again.  In the stillness of the morning, before dawn has fully stretched awake, I opened a recent gift, "The Women of Christmas" by Liz Curtis Higgs.  One of my favorite authors, her words just reach out and grab me.  No other writer can make me chuckle and tear up one paragraph from the next.  She is real -authentic- and I could sit at her feet to listen to her read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation.

Today, she shared the story of Elizabeth and Zechariah.  How I can imagine their struggle to believe the news God shared.  When you've prayed so long for something, you almost can't believe it when the answer comes.

There's no easy way to paraphrase Liz, as you feel guilty for leaving off any of the nuggets to share.  But these are the parts that God chose to highlight for me...

"Fear not.  Calm down.  Why do we fear the worst from God,

when he loves us completely and always gives us what is best?"

 

"...your prayer has been heard."  Luke 1:13

 

The promises of God seem "too good to be true-too hard to believe!" 

 Yet believing is what Christmas is all about. 

 

And I'm praising God this morning for an answered prayer. 
A prayer that I expectantly waited over 9 months for. 
Pregnant with anticipation, in God's timing, the answer came. 
A new job in the new year! 

While I didn't intend to write two book reviews in a row, I can't help but give praise for this work.  If you buy yourself one gift this Christmas, this should be it. 

I know I'm beyond blessed to have this gift of time at the close of the year to curl up and reflect on the many presents of His presence.

Merry Christmas, friends....