Retrospect 17'

As the year comes to a close, it is a tradition on this blog to take a look back before beginning anew. 

Instead of starting in January and working down, I thought I'd start where we are and travel back down memory lane.  December is still here, after all, and I'm trying to relish in the season.  While there are lots of chores I could be doing, I spent the morning baking cookies and have spent a lot of time by the fire catching up on Christmas favorites time hadn't yet allowed.

Just because it is no longer December 25th, doesn't mean the festivities have to end.

I'm a little sad to see our new elf friend, Blitz, get packed away.  He was an interesting way to count down the days to Christmas.  Though Noah changed his name every day and liked to pick fun, I think he actually enjoyed seeing his shenanigans each morning. 

This holiday was a mix of old and new traditions.  Our table is still littered with board games, where we'll sneak in a game or two each day over break.  Christmas Eve we attended our yearly candlelight service.  And a few new outings included a home tour date, snowmen painting, as well as a day trip to see dancing lights.

November...a month that will forever be bittersweet for us.  One I try to face with gratitude instead of sorrow.  Celebrating our thankfulness always leads to joy. 

For the first time in my adult life, I got through a holiday season by losing weight instead of gaining.  Thanks to a new way of eating, November would see the milestone of 40 pounds lost.  Though I still have miles to go, I am confident this transformation can continue into the new year.

Sugar-Free Me!

October - We kicked off one of my favorite months with our annual trip to the Nut Club festival, but we quickly realized our stomachs couldn't hold what they used to!  And we went camping, something we had forgotten how much we missed!  It was so nice to disconnect from the outside world and reconnect with those who matter most.  Maybe an RV is in our future someday!  I experienced my first escape room and quickly discovered a career as a detective is definitely not in the cards.

Noah and I had a very impromptu senior photo shoot, when the photographer had to cancel last minute.  With a working teen and fallings leaves, I knew another pretty day might not happen so we made the most of it.  In the end, I'm thrilled with his photos and even more the memories we made.

    

September - a time for slowing down before the busyness of the season speeds up life, although most of my free time that month was spent preparing for a women's retreat our church had.  I was in my happy place though, planning and sharing with others how to find moments to Be Still.  

August - back to school with my baby becoming a Senior.  Writing this, I count that nearly four months of his final year have passed.  I knew the time would quickly pass but goodness, how it flies.  

My sugar detox would send my body into an itchy rash, as it tried to revolt and, ironically enough, I would spend a weekend baking cookies for our Operation Inasmuch event.

July - what little bit of summer we had left to enjoy, we tried to make the most of by cramming in a trip to the drive-in, visits from littles, and an afternoon or two fishing.  My new hobby, rock painting, would also inspire a special way to remember our oldest son on his birthday.  

June - in what is normally a relaxing, carefree time of year, where we traditionally escape for an anniversary trip, we spent most of June in the hospital or confined indoors.  The past year has been difficult for Tim, health-wise, with random but serious respiratory events (that in my opinion we still have no good answers over.)  In the end, all we can do is give it to God and make the most of each day.  

May - Noah's first prom.  A surprise Mother's Day trip and step back in time.  The start of boating season, though it would be a short-lived one. And a focus on self-care, I didn't realize then I would need so much for what lay ahead.  

April - the promise of Spring! A sweet nugget of a nephew comes to visit.  A powerful message from my momma that refreshes me each time I read it.  

March - Mortgage burning party!  How quickly 15 years goes by and how thankful to not have that monthly payment looming over us anymore.  First butterfly of the season and longer days to enjoy the sneak peeks of sunshine.  And a memorial tattoo years in the making.  

February - Hearts Day and lessons on love.  A shift to complain less and celebrate more.  New red doors that still have me smiling each time I arrive home.  

January - Choosing my one word, that I'll be honest, I forgot about until just now.  Maybe I spent it more selfless than years prior but I know I have still work to do.  A new study Bible that by year's end would be worn, dog-eared and scribbled down most sides, marked with blessings along the way.

2017 has been a year of ups and downs.  I'm thankful for the experiences, memories, and milestones. 

Yet, I'm hopeful for the year to come.  Here's to much JOY in 2018... 

Temporary Home

Catching the last few lines of a popular song by Carrie Underwood the other day brought me back to saying goodbye to my Grandpa in the hospital, many years ago.

While it was difficult to let him go, and I still miss him to this day, we'd watched him suffer from kidney failure and other complications for years.  He needed the peace that comes with leaving this earth.  At a certain point we even prayed it for him and gave him permission to leave, our family circling his bed in unison and love.

And I will never forget the serenity in the room when, after weeks of holding on but in a lifeless state, he raised his arm, smiled that unforgettable grin of his, and said, "Jesus."  There was no doubt Who was in the room with us -or where he was about to go.

I've had similar experiences with elderly loved ones.

I sat with my Grandmother the night before she passed.  Her children had been taking turns for weeks at the hospital and I offered to give them a break.  My goal wasn't just to let them have rest but to be there specifically to pray for her to have peace.  I knew the only way that would come for her, is if she left us.

Hers was the first I actively prayed for her passing.  Suffering from COPD, she struggled for every single breath.  And with each new shift, she was adamant the nurses rewrite in bold red letters "DNR" on her erase board.  When I left her that morning, I knew it would be the last time I hugged and kissed her goodbye.  My phone rang telling me of the news within minutes of making it home to bed.

And I had the priviledge to sit at mother-in-law's side, hours before she transitioned from this world.  Stage 4 cancer wrecked havoc on her small frame and I pained along with her as she tossed and moaned from her hospital bed.  Pulling out my Bible app, I began to read scripture aloud.  Instantly peace fell upon the room.  Again, where before there was only mutterings, the name of "Jesus" was clear upon her lips.  Her body was at ease and restful as her sons arrived to visit.

In all of those situations, though I grieved the loss of their presence in my life, I was at ease in knowing they'd moved to a better place.  To their Home.  And it is perhaps why I often don't feel sadness at funerals of those who have lived a long and good life.  I knew that for them, there was no more sickness, no more pain, only peace.

Though I knew the same for my son, the grieving process is so very different when losing a child.  A child's death is sudden, unexpected, even if they were ill.  In our case, it was a total shock.  And that made the timing even more difficult to let go and move forward.

He was so young....

There was so much life ahead for him...

Wonder what he would have become...

As a momma, you want your babies HOME with you, even long after they've grown.  A struggle I'm feeling in a new transition, as my baby is counting the days to be college bound.  His plans include being home less, which is a difficult adjustment for this mom.

It's an internal, magnetic pull to want family together in your home.

My favorite time of the day is the end, when we're all back and settled from our outside lives and gathered together under one roof.

Even back then, I desired this.  My last words to Austin were, "Be home...before midnight."
I just didn't expect he would arrive in his Heavenly home instead of ours.

With another birthday under my belt, I'm aware of a shifting.  I find myself studying older people, pondering on the life they've lived.  When visiting with people decades older, I'm now gauging their health against mine.  I know with each year, it is more important to have quality over quantity.  I feel a responsibility to be the best me I can be for as long as I'm here.

Yet I also realize a change in the pull to be home.  The older I get, the more I appreciate the gift that is each day but the more I'm focused on my someday permanent home.

It's not that I am ungrateful to be here but rather the opposite.  I realize how precious life is.  I'm filled with wonder at the beauty of another sunrise and the blessing it is to spend time with those you love.  I'm driven to fulfill my purpose for as long as God deems fit but drawn more often to things not of this world.  My soul is expectant for that day I will forever be Home.

In the waiting, my prayer is that I make the most of every moment and honor God in all I do.  Though this home is temporary, it is given to me with a heavenly expectation of purposeful service.

Winter Woes

Well, it is only a few days into the new year and I've already failed miserably on my "one word" of being selfless.  Not to excuse it but we've been hit with some winter weather and this 40-something body is feeling it.

It is SNOW fun to get older.

My body is like a weather radar, beeping in protest before the first snowflake.  I've joked with my husband he needs to suddenly inherit a beach house and the income to "winter" in Florida.  I'm only a fan of cold weather when I'm able to recline by the warm fire and color, sipping hot cocoa, safe and snug.

The past few evenings, I've come home so tired and sore from being out in the cold I haven't been able to serve anyone.  In fact, my first day back to work, I barely made it through the process of peeling layers, donning PJ's and collapsing into my chair.

When Tim awoke to get ready for his night shift, instead of finding me cooking, he caught me snoozing by the fire.  Being the sweetheart he is, he went to the kitchen and whipped up a simple supper.  As he served me, I felt pretty guilty and a failure in my quest to be less selfish.

On Fridays, I often have the day off but with the holidays I needed to go in for a few hours.  Not having to work a full shift though allowed me to sleep in.  My phone forgot however and woke me normal time.  Now, a selfless gal would've taken that opportunity to get up and surprise her hubby with a hot breakfast.  Instead I remained in the comforts of my flannel sheets and awoke later to our excited dog, a sure sign Dad was home.

As I creaked out of bed, I found him making coffee and sweeping off the steps so I wouldn't slip on my way out.  He'd even brought home new gloves, overhearing that I'd lost my others.

Perhaps this short reprieve from my resolution is to show me what it feels like to be served, so I'll be better equipped and eager to help others.  Maybe I can chalk it up as early birthday goodness, as I will be celebrating another year on Sunday.  Or, by chance, it is a lesson in humility that we can't improve ourselves overnight.  And that, just maybe, I need to stop relying so much on my self and more on God to get there.

Trudging on....some days, uphill in the snow.

One Word: Selfless

If there's one quality I admire most about my husband it is his selfless personality.  He's always been the type of guy who would give you the shirt off his back, the last piece of pie, or whatever he has that you might want or need.  No surprise he eagerly joined the volunteer fire department at 18 and has served in multiple capacities for the past 30 some odd years.

Though many might look at someone on the side of the road and think to themselves they should stop, he's one who almost always will.  If he hears of someone in need, he's there to lend a hand, giving up his day off or working through hours he should be sleeping before his night shift.  Often in his side business, he has gone on a job knowing the client couldn't afford to pay and didn't expect it.

Selfishness is a characteristic I've always struggled with.  While I enjoying serving and helping others, I am also cautious and stingy with my time, sometimes to a fault.  Though family should come first, I often calculate how help can be carved around whatever I have to spare, instead of just plunging in messy regardless of the time I have.  An introvert, I enjoy "me time" as well and look forward to unplugging and relaxing in the comfort of my home.

Perhaps it is my birth order, or growing up with sisters who took my things without asking.  Or because I'm stubborn and possess all the qualities of a Capricorn.  And maybe it is just an area that God hasn't fully polished yet, but one I feel him tugging on for me to focus this year.

Service.  Selflessness.  He is more, I am less.  Having a servant's heart.  These words and phrases have floated through my mind the past several days, as I've prayerfully considered the One Word for 2017.  I've wavered back and forth and landed on the one that encompasses all.

One can serve without fully giving, or even having the right attitude.  But truly being selfless means putting your own needs aside.  It means serving without calculation.

selfless

play

adjective  self·less \ˈsel-fləs\

concerned more with the needs and wishes of others than with one's own; unselfish.

self-sacrificing, self-denying; considerate, compassionate, kind, noble, generous,  

ungrudging, charitable, benevolent, openhanded

While it is a word I often use to describe my husband, it is also a symbol of Jesus himself.  If my desire in my one word for the year is to become better, to improve myself, what other model should I seek?

3 In whatever you do, don’t let selfishness or pride be your guide. Be humble, and honor others more than yourselves. 4 Don’t be interested only in your own life, but care about the lives of others too.  Philippians 2:3-4

I know it won't be easy, old habits die hard.  It's only day 2 and I've already missed opportunities to serve others before myself.  But I did finish off New Year's Day in service, out my comfort zone and the warm comforts of my bed.

Our church joined hundreds of others across Kentucky by having the word of God read aloud beginning midnight NYE until the entire Bible is read.  I signed up for the late shift last night and was the last to read.  Just a few chapters to an empty parking lot but my prayer is that in an apartment or home surrounding this effort, someone will hear just the needed words in God's perfect timing.
Settling in for the night, I pondered upon the blessings of the day, in gratitude and hopes for such simple, beautiful days to fill all of 2017.

Beginning and ending in worship and prayer.  Lunch out with mom and my guys.  Visits and sweet baby snuggles.  Putting away Christmas with as much spirit as we set it out. Reflections on the past 365 days and lessons learned.  Anticipation for the ones ahead.  And dinner at home, full of tradition for the new year.

I'm ready for a year of serving others, selflessly.  And learning much along the way.

Prayers for a blessed 2017 for each of you!  If you choose a #oneword for the year, I'd love to hear it about it below.