Count Your Blessings

We've had a roller coaster of emotions the past week.  Snowstorms and cancellations, busted pipes and clogged sinks, fluke injury and crippling back pain, topped with a dollop of financial stress, all in the midst of planning a surprise party for our son who would turn 18.

To say tears have fallen would be an understatement.  

Perhaps the obstacles came at the same time to keep me distracted from the fact that my baby was all grown up.  If you've been around this blog for more than a minute, you know he is a special guy and tugs at all my heartstrings.  18 was a milestone this momma wasn't quite prepared for and I don't know if it has truly sunk in even still.

As I browsed through old photos for his party, it seemed forever ago and just yesterday.  They tell you kids grow fast, you know it as a parent, but the reality still seems impossible.  I've told him a dozen times this week though...no matter how many birthdays he has, he'll always be my baby.

check out that cute photo bomber (tee hee)

In the middle of our messes, it is so easy to lose focus on the blessings we have.  

When I was soggy socked and stressed, watching water gush from our pipes (for the second time in a week) it was hard to see hope.  Dishes were piling in every direction, my hubby (our handyman) was out of commission from hurting his back at work, and due to the snow, every plumber in the area was booked for weeks.  But the hidden blessings through this mess would be a sweet dinner provided at the most perfect moment because a friend responded to a whisper from God.  Quality father-son time, as Noah was off from school (due to the snow) and got one on one plumbing lessons from Dad.  And a kick in the pants from the "big guy" to remember not to take my eyes off Him when the water rises, or else I may drown. 

Writing this morning, the events of the week that caused me such stress seem so trivial now.  A dear friend shared some horrific news of what she's been privately enduring.  And the unimaginable happened just miles away from us with another school shooting and young lives taken too soon.  I found myself ugly crying all the way to work, thanking God for reminding me of all the reasons I have to be thankful - and that there are others facing so. much. more today.  

That's how the enemy works, my friends.  he wants us to stay so bogged down in the stressors of every day that we can't look up to find the One who can pull us out of any storm.  And if we stay swirling in our own messes, we can't help (or even see) someone else who might need rescue.  

Sometimes the events we weather are mild, sometimes torrential but despite the downpours of life, God can be and is our constant calm.  

Prayers and Joy... 

and I'll leave you with a few moments of sunshine we shared.

the boy in the blue is one of Noah's best friends
 - and he came to the rescue for his party.  Being my heavy lifter, with Tim unable to help.
Bonus blessing - my sweet cousin thinking to snap precious memories like this <3 br="">
  

Records from my childhood my mom dug out to go with Noah's new record player.
We've enjoyed dusting off the memories and sharing music from my past.

And last but not least....a #simplejoy

Buffalo balls - a recipe that I "winged" (ha ha)
meatballs, ranch dip mix, and franks hot buffalo sauce
Yum Yum Yum

Birthday Blues

I'm sensing a theme and it isn't a good one for a blog about joy!  So far my titles for the year have been a little down and depressing.  But, I've always tried to keep it real and raw with my writing, even if that makes it harder to share.

Yesterday was my birthday and I went to bed teary, although I can't really explain why.  When you reach a certain age, they just sort of flatten.  Other than major milestones, which I celebrated last year, there isn't much hoopla to be had.

The guys did their best, especially my baby boy, to make it a good day.  My morning began with a gigantic birthday bear hug first thing from my gentle giant.  As he isn't an early riser and normally a tad grumpy, seeing that effort and feeling the warmth of his hug is truly all I should've needed to make yesterday special.  My husband fixed me a cup of coffee and ran out to grab breakfast so I could linger a little longer by the fire before church.

Our pew was full of family and sweet baby snuggles from my great-nephew Isaiah.  My lap held a splurge purchase from Saturday's outing, a new Bible.  I've been wanting a new one but had so many requirements, I wasn't sure I'd find the one.  Tim and Noah were patient and encouraging as I browsed the rows at Lifeway.  Eventually, I spotted just the fit - a study Bible, in the translation I prefer, with space in the columns for notes, not too heavy, and opens flat for easy writing.

Once home, Tim retreated for his nap before work and I planned to settle in to my recliner and relax.  Instead, I was surprised with a teen, eager to spend the afternoon with mom.  We played ping pong and old school video games, bouncing laughter back and forth for hours, ending with a Chopped marathon.  Time with my son, at his request - what more could I really ask for?

Dinner went a bit upset down, when the steaks were still half frozen and falling apart (how is that possible?) but a quick trip to Taco Bell saved the night.  We ended with some family tv time, something rare, since we're never all home together long enough to do so.

As my head hit the pillow, I prayerfully reflected on the fact that with all these blessings, how could I still feel less than?  Why wasn't it enough?

Birthdays are maybe the most selfish day of the year.  The total focus in on you and the anticipation of what others might do to make it special.  And in a year of shifting to selflessness, it seems silly I could get wrapped up in wishing for more.

This morning, I realized part of the issue is that I'm placing my happiness in the hands of others.  I'm depending on them to bring me joy when I know the true source only comes from God.  If I am honest, there isn't an outing, gift or custom cake that would've given me the fulfillment for which I'm yearning.

I am not content with who I am.  

This girl that I see when I look in the mirror isn't what I pictured for 41.  She's aged in ways no magic wrinkle creme can fix.  And in many ways, I appreciate what time has added to me.  There's wisdom and contentedness I didn't have twenty years ago.  But with the lessons learned, it also has me searching for more.

In this process of becoming selfless, I am finding it is more than just giving, but rather, I must push myself to be the best "me"I can be.  If there are flaws, I need to magnify, inspect and adjust, not just sweep aside.

So maybe that is the best gift received yesterday.
Awareness of change needed.  A growing desire to be more.  Transformation from the inside out.

50 Shades of Suprised

Last year, around this time, my hubby conquered his fear of heights and rode a sky lift with me and Noah. Somehow that turned into a plan to celebrate his 50th birthday in 2016 by jumping out of a plane.  As the months drew nearer however, I could tell there was a bit of trepidation in following through with the crazy idea.  For one, the price tag was rather hefty for the chance of a jump, considering Kentucky's unpredictable weather.  For another, fear of heights had not disappeared.

Wanting to still have something special for Tim to remember this milestone birthday, I went into planning mode.  Typically, his birthday is a carbon copy of the years before, at his request - fried chicken and some type of yummy cake, usually from scratch.  Last year, although he still got his annual fried chicken, I changed things up a bit and had a surprise pizza party where our son works.  Tim thought we were just joining him for dinner and walked in to see family and balloons.

But 50 needed something....more.  50 is one to remember.  

He never takes selfies - proof he was pleased

Tim would just shrug, as I searched for interest and ideas, and say he didn't need anything but us.  Turning to my trusty pals, Pinterest and Google, I began combing ideas to celebrate his big day.  As both guys had already asked off, it hit me that we had an opportunity to get away for the weekend.

It's been a year since we've been on a trip, even longer for a true vacation, but regardless of the short time frame, I accepted the challenge to find an amazing excursion.  And after lots of queries, a few tears and many prayers, Operation 50th Surprise was born.

What helped was that Tim was away the entire week leading up to his birthday, traveling for work.  This gave me extra planning time and allowed us to talk freely about ideas without him overhearing.  Noah and I would work late into the night, writing out menus, packing and preparing.  By the time he arrived home, everything but his boat was ready to go.

It was the only hint I gave him, leaving him with a small list of last minute needs to have ready by the time I would be home.  He headed out for bait, ice, and to gas up the boat with a puzzled but excited look.  Adding a trip to the dog kennel gave him one last hint we'd be gone at least overnight.

Later that day, as we hit the parkway, he continued to question and beg for tips on where we were going.  Each twist and turn of the GPS would confuse him even more.  As we pulled into the cabin, he was all smiles.  I managed to check everything off his perfect getaway checklist - fishing, food, family, beautiful views and quiet.

just of the many breathtaking views!

I settled in to unpacking and sent him down the hill to explore and take in some fishing.  

view from his fishing spot

As Noah wouldn't be joining us until much later, I'd planned a romantic steak dinner for two to kick off his birthday weekend.  He came back to the scent of potatoes roasting on a wood fire, music floating through the air, and a giant porch swing to watch the sunset.  

Deeming him master of the remote, we snuggled in to await Noah's arrival, which ended up being close to midnight.  I didn't even nudge him when he nodded off a few times, as I know that is a late hour for his senior age.  (tee hee)

Having a dock right off the property, allowed Tim to do both night and early morning fishing, something he loves, so he took in the sunrise by the creek.  I had coffee perked and a big breakfast of pancakes and sausage to greet him good morning.  We again enjoyed swinging and watching the dozens of birds flitter between all the unique birdhouses on the grounds.  

God blessed us with an uncharacteristically warm weekend, so we were able to head out for a fishing trip on the boat and actually take along sunscreen.  The creek, a watershed from the river's dam, was low and quiet.  Shady spots felt like you were floating into a magical movie scene.  Though we didn't catch a thing, it was a perfect outing, complete with relaxation and lots of laughs.  The boys were proud I even managed to keep myself composed, despite the fact that we saw three different snakes while out.  (A quick search of previous blog posts will let you know that was no easy feat for me!)

We returned home to shower and cool off, as Tim took in a long nap before sneaking down the hill to take in a bit more creek time, while we prepared his birthday feast.  

Having a chefy son has many perks, including that he loves to grocery shop, which he fully did for this trip (even paying for them!).  Noah started the wood fire pit (such a lovely addition!) while I chopped and prepped.  The boys played cornhole and I helped baby the most delicious pork loin we've ever eaten.  

Just as the sun was beginning to set. we called him outside for dinner.  And what a meal it was!

 

In fact, I don't think he even noticed or missed the fried chicken.

Sunday morning was much of the same, although we did take the long, lazy way home and stopped along the way to remember a trip from years ago where time stood still.  It was a sweet way to include our boy, who I know was smiling down at Dad on his special day.  As he always does, Austin sent special signs throughout the weekend.

All in all it was one blessed, surprise weekend I am sure Tim won't soon forget.

Here's to 50 more, my love...

Birthday Blessings

I anticipated that Noah's 15th birthday would be bittersweet and filled with emotions.  It's a celebration milestone we didn't have a place card for, as Austin only lived to 14.  Prayerfully, thankfully, it was a joyous and peaceful weekend.

True, there were definite moments that tugged at my heartstrings.  My baby shouldn't be surpassing his big brother, and yet he was -is.  I'm grateful, but a part of me still wishes things would've been different.  And there were moments of relief, release from the held-breath of a child-loss momma.  Surviving beyond the mark that Austin reached doesn't prove anything, life's moments have no guaranteed timeline, but it is something that often weighed on this mom's mind.

Going into his birthday weekend, there wasn't much planned, an unusual change from the regular festivities Noah has known.  Through the years he's had some "epic parties," or so he describes.  This year though, he had one simple request.  An acoustic guitar.

Noah's followed his mom in having a great love of music and it's always been his goal to learn to play the guitar.  In grade school he was in a bluegrass class that allowed kids to stay after and learn to play musical instruments. He loved those afternoons.  Not having the opportunity for that instrument after graduating to middle school, he sort of put the dream on hold.  Occasionally, we'd pass a consignment store window and he'd remark about the stringed beauties on displays.  This year he finally made his wish known.

Researching the price tags himself, he figured there would be no combining other events or activities, like we normally did.  Mom and Dad were very fortunate and frugal shoppers but reality was, there wouldn't be much extra.  And even though we knew he'd love the gift, I searched for something "more" to make it special.

Though his birthday didn't fall until Monday, we figured he'd enjoy having the guitar over the weekend so Tim and I began plans to present it Friday night.  Talking things through a great surprise developed.  I'm still in awe of how everything fell into place.

One of our favorite pizza places recently relocated and Noah had mentioned a few times of wanting to go there.  We decided that would be the perfect spot to present his present.  Tim stopped by there earlier in the day to see if they'd be willing to bring it out to him.  And I had the idea of seeing if anyone would play it while singing 'Happy Birthday' to him.  In asking, none of the staff knew how to play.  But wait, there was a new guy starting that night who was from Nashville and is a singer/songwriter.  Maybe he'd agree?  Wonderful!  Plans in place, we smile awaiting the big reveal.

We arrived and Noah had not a clue.  Typical of their business, they were swamped and I stewed wondering if the timing would work out ok.  At one point, near the end of our meal, I could faintly hear the strumming of a guitar and wondered if Noah would figure out the surprise, but he was too invested in their Reese's pizza to notice!

Once finished, the doors from the kitchen swung open and music began to play.  I'd describe the rest to you but a video does his reaction better justice....

Post by Heather Blair.

If that wasn't enough, the rest of his weekend was packed with special moments too.  He spent Saturday at an archery meet with his Dad and a drive to his new favorite burger joint.  Sunday our family filled two pews to worship with him and follow us home for simmering soups.  We spent the afternoon playing his favorite games and hanging out together.  Monday, his true birthday, was also a holiday and a no-school day so he got to sleep in, have breakfast in bed and an afternoon with his girlfriend who visited.  We watched movies and ate his usual birthday meal request - shrimp Alfredo, along with a homeade butterfinger cake.  All in all, I'd say he had a very special 15th.

And his big brother had some ways of saying hello, as he does, on his special day.  As I was taking his cake out of the oven that morning I hit the timer and noticed it was 9:23, an Austin wink.  That evening, as Noah was playing his guitar he stopped and smiled, turned the instrument over and said, "Look Mom, a sign from Bubba."  

We bought the guitar from a friend and had not even noticed Austin's number.

In that moment I just felt Austin there, knowing he was watching over his little brother as he always did.  And always will...

Faithful Friday: Teenage Birthday

This is the last night my little-big guy will be 12.  Saturday I will awake to a teenager.  Big. Sigh....

Of course, to look at him, one would already think he was a teen.  I look up to him (literally and figuratively) already.  All 6 ft and size 13 shoes of him.

Hard to believe he's so grown up.  I feel his childhood slipping through my fingers. 
Twelve years so short but so far away. 

Noah.  Our little lifesaver.  God sent him at just the needed moment for our family. 

We'd tried for years until we just stopped trying.  (Knowing what I know now about PCOS, he's even more of a blessing) But one day, unexpectedly, he appeared.  In two sweet little blue lines.

Our lives have been a whirlwind of joy and laughter ever since.

You have filled my heart with great joy. - Psalm 4:7

Noah.  Our funny guy.  Our little tornado.  Our heartbreaker.

From the moment he was born, a handful of spunk and wit. His crib was positioned in his room that when he awoke he could see us in ours.  He'd jump up alert and happy, smiling, "Mama, Dadda" until we put him bed with us.  As a baby, I'd tried to sneak in veggies, peas mixed into potatoes, but he'd swirl and spit the peas out rapid action. 

A toddler, little mind full of imagination, he was a different superhero everyday.  When mad, he became the Hulk and with a scrunched face would say, "my getting mad!"  Aggression moved to passion as a youngster.  In the first grade he kicked off the first week of school by getting a different girlfriend for each day.  This concept backfired the next year, when two girlfriends showed up at his birthday party!

Throughout his life he's been our jokester, the family comedian.  Always filling our home with laughter. 

Like the day we took him for shots, a recap in his words:..."When I got in the room I was getting a little freaked out. I told the lady, I don't think I can do this today. Maybe we should reschedule." :)

Or the time he found this adorable black hat that looked even cuter on and had to have it.
He said, "Mom! It is a deal, only $3 normally $15!" How can I say no to that?!

A 10 year old convo:

Me: Are you about ready?

Noah: Well, I'm a little frustrated right now, so no.

Me: (trying not to laugh) Why?

Noah: Tina came in to get me and didn't knock or anything - just walked right in. And then she just walked on into the bathroom all the way to the shower!

Me: (laughing) Did she see more than she needed to?

Noah: well I should think so! I'm going to have to go so I can pull myself together because they're waiting.....but I'm gonna have a talk with her about men and privacy!

Oh, so many funny moments.

Twelve years old saw the return of baseball...our first camper camping trip...a broken finger, we didn't think was broken (he will never let that go)....Andy Griffith...Middle school...First deer, second deer - same day.

How I wish, I pray, I hope that his teenage years are filled with just as much fun, as much laughter, as many memories and as much JOY as he can hold.  And then some.

However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all. Ecclesiastes 11:8

Happy 13th Birthday, Noah.  We love you so!

Birthday Blessings

My birthday will always be shared in a way with my son, Austin.  And that's why it's bittersweet.

You see, my birthday (Jan 8) is six months from his birthday, July 8.  As such, he deemed this day his "Happy 1/2 birthday" years ago and it stuck.  It was a running joke every year.  Never mind it was my day, or that Noah's was a mere 11 days away, it was the kickoff to his birthday.  I gladly share this day with him, I just wish he could be here to celebrate with me.

I try very hard to live in the now....to celebrate TODAY'S joys.

To be grateful for the surprise breakfast in bed, cooked by my hubby,

who breaks out the skillet only about once or twice a year.

For the precious moment of snuggling with Noah

on the couch this morning as he chomped down his cereal.

The sweet "Happy Birthday!" from Tina as she frolicked out to catch the bus.

For the many well wishes this morning from friends and family.

The anticipation of the yummy steak dinner we have planned tonight.

But it's hard to not think of him on this day.  To not wish, for a moment, to have him here with me.  And so I'm celebrating with him in the only way I know how.  By giving back.

My sweet boy was known for helping others.  It was his legacy.  What many may not know about him was his great love of books, something else he shared with his momma. 

I began reading to him while he was still in my belly.  After he was born, we spent family time in the bed each morning, and it included reading a book.  As he grew older, our nightly ritual contained a bedtime story. I still recall his proud face the first time he read a book to me on his own.  As a young child, we'd increase the size of the books with his age.  He loved big chapter books because it meant more one on one time with mom.  And I remember fondly as he grew into a teen and we began to share and recommend books to each other.  I loved discussing books with him, listening to them on tape in the car, and quietly reading next to him on the couch.

It's no surprise that he had a large collection of books.  He'd saved every book he'd ever owned since birth.  After he passed away, and we transitioned his room for Tina, I stacked most of those books into totes for storage.

Something whispered to me when cleaning over Christmas break that it was time to find those books new homes.  Austin would want them to be shared.

This is how I'll spend my birthday this afternoon.  Donating over 100 books, from chunky wooden toddler stories to thick, dog-eared novels.  Each one being sent with love - and a big Austin hug from Heaven.

Happy 1/2 Birthday, sweet boy.