Signs and Milestones

Yesterday was tough.  A bite your lip, distract yourself, get through the day kind of day.

It was busy at work, which was helpful in some ways, but a big piece of my heart and mind were elsewhere.  A day spent teetering on tears - misty on the way to work, praying throughout, and sobbing the moment I walked out the door and got into my car.

Driving home, I ended up at the cemetery.  Not a place I normally find comfort, but I needed somewhere to cry in peace.  And I knew I could do it beside my sweet boy.

July 8 would've been Austin's 21st birthday.

It was harder than I expected.  Not that any birthday, or holiday (or any day) is easy after losing a child.  But some of his birthdays have actually been unexpected blessings, like last year.

So, unlike the early years, I didn't schedule off and expected that I'd make it through ok.  In this walk with grief though, I've learned there is no time limit on the pain and you can never plan or expect, it takes you where it will, when it wants.

Sure, there were signs, as always.  More yellow butterflies than I could count, darting in and around my car wherever I went.  Many dancing around his grave.  My radio is never off and every time I got back in, whatever song was playing seemed to be a hello from above or a needed hug.

Still, I had a job to do, so I stored up and pushed away so much pain that by the end of the day exhaustion set in.  Tim saw it, felt it himself I'm sure, but stepped up last night and took over roles I normally fulfill.  He cooked us a small and simple dinner and went to get the kids from church.  We called it an early night and thanks to prayers of many, fell into a deep and restful sleep.

Yesterday, I think I grieved what I lost, what I never had, and where I would be at this point.  It was coming to terms with not having a child anymore and the realization that, if he were here, he wouldn't be a child anymore either.  I just didn't have the past seven years to watch him mature into the man he would be now.

Seeing his baby brother, Noah, towering over us, watching the days fly by on the calendar as he counts down to his own milestones, like driving, makes me want to push in the brakes even more.  I want to fully saturate myself in them - with him.  I don't want to miss a moment.  Maybe because I know how precious and unpromised they are.

And of course, just like his big brother, Noah has a heart of gold.  My gentle giant, I call him.  Dropping them off to church I ensured he had enough money for the snow cone, where youth were gathered.  He smiled and said, "21 and some change."  I knew what he was doing and prayers were sent up all the way home that he'd get a blessing from it.

Getting there early, as they prefer, he walked up to booth before the line wrapped the corner and "Paid it Fwd" for Austin.  $21 in memory of his 21st.  Noah waited an hour before he got in line, hoping that the fwd would last enough for most who'd arrived.  He was hugged from above to find out others had continued to pay it forward and his was also free.  This morning I received a sweet text from the owner saying it gave her chills and many were touched by the night.

Noah and I laughed later that it would've been just like Austin too.  Never one to like alcohol, he would've preferred to ring in his 21st with a giant snow cone to celebrate his big day.  Fitting the name of the place is Paradise, since we know that's where he is.

Here's one for you, Bub, swirled with lots of love.  

Linked with #DanceWithJesus

Birthday Blessings

I anticipated that Noah's 15th birthday would be bittersweet and filled with emotions.  It's a celebration milestone we didn't have a place card for, as Austin only lived to 14.  Prayerfully, thankfully, it was a joyous and peaceful weekend.

True, there were definite moments that tugged at my heartstrings.  My baby shouldn't be surpassing his big brother, and yet he was -is.  I'm grateful, but a part of me still wishes things would've been different.  And there were moments of relief, release from the held-breath of a child-loss momma.  Surviving beyond the mark that Austin reached doesn't prove anything, life's moments have no guaranteed timeline, but it is something that often weighed on this mom's mind.

Going into his birthday weekend, there wasn't much planned, an unusual change from the regular festivities Noah has known.  Through the years he's had some "epic parties," or so he describes.  This year though, he had one simple request.  An acoustic guitar.

Noah's followed his mom in having a great love of music and it's always been his goal to learn to play the guitar.  In grade school he was in a bluegrass class that allowed kids to stay after and learn to play musical instruments. He loved those afternoons.  Not having the opportunity for that instrument after graduating to middle school, he sort of put the dream on hold.  Occasionally, we'd pass a consignment store window and he'd remark about the stringed beauties on displays.  This year he finally made his wish known.

Researching the price tags himself, he figured there would be no combining other events or activities, like we normally did.  Mom and Dad were very fortunate and frugal shoppers but reality was, there wouldn't be much extra.  And even though we knew he'd love the gift, I searched for something "more" to make it special.

Though his birthday didn't fall until Monday, we figured he'd enjoy having the guitar over the weekend so Tim and I began plans to present it Friday night.  Talking things through a great surprise developed.  I'm still in awe of how everything fell into place.

One of our favorite pizza places recently relocated and Noah had mentioned a few times of wanting to go there.  We decided that would be the perfect spot to present his present.  Tim stopped by there earlier in the day to see if they'd be willing to bring it out to him.  And I had the idea of seeing if anyone would play it while singing 'Happy Birthday' to him.  In asking, none of the staff knew how to play.  But wait, there was a new guy starting that night who was from Nashville and is a singer/songwriter.  Maybe he'd agree?  Wonderful!  Plans in place, we smile awaiting the big reveal.

We arrived and Noah had not a clue.  Typical of their business, they were swamped and I stewed wondering if the timing would work out ok.  At one point, near the end of our meal, I could faintly hear the strumming of a guitar and wondered if Noah would figure out the surprise, but he was too invested in their Reese's pizza to notice!

Once finished, the doors from the kitchen swung open and music began to play.  I'd describe the rest to you but a video does his reaction better justice....

Post by Heather Blair.

If that wasn't enough, the rest of his weekend was packed with special moments too.  He spent Saturday at an archery meet with his Dad and a drive to his new favorite burger joint.  Sunday our family filled two pews to worship with him and follow us home for simmering soups.  We spent the afternoon playing his favorite games and hanging out together.  Monday, his true birthday, was also a holiday and a no-school day so he got to sleep in, have breakfast in bed and an afternoon with his girlfriend who visited.  We watched movies and ate his usual birthday meal request - shrimp Alfredo, along with a homeade butterfinger cake.  All in all, I'd say he had a very special 15th.

And his big brother had some ways of saying hello, as he does, on his special day.  As I was taking his cake out of the oven that morning I hit the timer and noticed it was 9:23, an Austin wink.  That evening, as Noah was playing his guitar he stopped and smiled, turned the instrument over and said, "Look Mom, a sign from Bubba."  

We bought the guitar from a friend and had not even noticed Austin's number.

In that moment I just felt Austin there, knowing he was watching over his little brother as he always did.  And always will...

Case of the Mondays??

If people looked forward to Mondays as much as Fridays, the week would surely fly by faster than it does. Instead, most moan about Monday as if it were the same as a trip to dentist, which I've never really understood because I love going for a cleaning!

Anyhoo, if you're having one of those Mondays, I thought I'd treat you to some of the joys that have come my way lately.  Maybe they'll brighten up your day.  Or make you smile.  It's always better to smile than frown anyway because they say it takes more muscles to make a grumpy face...and I'm sure it causes more wrinkles!

Plus, I feel like I owe ya a post, since I wasn't very Faithful at posting this past Friday.  More on that below!

May seem funny to start out with on a post about joy but my weekend started a little weepy.  You see, my baby is starting High School this week.  My itty bitty, little mouse, once tiny now towering boy is all-most grown-up and now has one foot out the door.  It's hard for this momma to grasp that her strapping guy of 6 feet 2 1/2 inches has reached this stage of life.

At the same time, this season he's in brings up a lot of bittersweet memories about Austin that add to the water works.  Freshman orientation is about the last happy high school memory we have of our first born, now gone from this world.  He left us just three short months later.

So you can imagine that I was biting my lip extra hard at an effort to keep it all together Thursday night, as we walked Noah around his new school.

But several things helped me in the process, like seeing the excitement on Noah's face.  I don't know why but I think he's been ready for high school since preschool.  Orientation didn't start until 5 pm but he was calling me after lunch, wanting to know when we'd leave.  Much to our surprise, Tina even got teary-eyed, as we drove past the middle school.  She commented that she didn't know if she was ready for her "little cousin" to be this big.  That girl never cries at things like this but it hugged my heart at how close they've become. It helped distract her tears, in finding excitement by showing him around and introducing him to teachers.  Each of them got a chuckle at her "little cousin" introduction, given that he's two feet taller than she.
And of course, at the close of the night, once we settled into the car to head home, I glanced down at my phone to see the battery on 23%.  Austin's way of saying hello and that he'll most certainly be watching over his little brother.

The rest of the weekend continued to be focused on our two teens, as we began and completed their school shopping in one giant swoop.  It was sweaty and hectic, crowded and chaotic, and my feet hurt more with each step.  I'd say it reminded me again and again how old I'm becoming but even my energetic dancer complained about her aching toes, so I know it meant we walked A LOT.  But in the mix of the hustle and bustle, we did share some great moments and lots of laughs.

Slug bug punches.  Bohemian Rhapsody.  White Castle Crave Case.  

Funny Tshirts.  

The search for the biggest - and smallest - shoes in the store.  

Impromptu visit with my sister's babies and extra sweet hugs from Baby Rae.  

Fresh, yummy cherries.  Stripper pants.  Evening walk with my hubby.

School snack stock-up.

  A Tim & Tina date.

And of course....Sushi!

It was a wonderful way to spend the last free weekend before school starts 

and this momma surely enJOYed soaking up the memories!

Unexpected Blessings

Part of me wanted to shut down this weekend.  Close myself off and ignore the events taking place.  To be alone in my sadness. 

I'm so grateful I didn't.

I've learned through this grief journey that some things are meant to be shared.  Certainly there is a time to be alone.  Tears need to have a place to fall in comfort.  Solitude in grief, for me, has brought me closer to God.  It is in those moments that I draw close to Him.  But being with others, especially for milestone moments, brings much needed support too.  And support is something that was given us to us tenfold this weekend.

Friday night would have been Austin's high school graduation.  Until this week, we had no plans to attend.  It just seemed to painful to face.  And now, looking back at the night, I don't know how we would have survived it any other place.  I'm not saying it wasn't difficult and didn't require extensive leaning on God and constant prayer, but the blessings received from the night - and the obvious presence of Austin - was worth every tear.

My biggest concern was Noah.  I didn't want him to experience anymore pain than his little heart already had.  But Shain and Austin's other classmates took him right under their wings, like the true Eagles and friends they were, and made him feel a part of their group.

When we first arrived, I lingered for a moment in the classroom, but quickly saw he was comfortable and would be ok.  I left him to find seats enough to accommodate our group.  He texted me a few times prior to the ceremony beginning and, despite the reason he was there, seemed to be having a good time.  I will forever be grateful to those boys, and know Austin would've been beyond touched to see them honoring him in this way.  We were very proud of Noah for wanting to do this for Austin, the way he carried himself throughout the night, and for the special person he is.

When the sea of graduates filed in front of us, I braced myself.  Knowing Noah was in the front row, part of me wondered if I could and would remain for the entire procession.  And then I noticed sweet surprises sprinkled among the caps, and grown but familiar faces of the Austin's friends, many of whom shared moments and memories with us through his childhood.

Tab - Austin's initials

I saw Austin's Legacy logo actually before graduation even began.  It was atop the head of a beautiful classmate, who had been in school with Austin all the way from the beginning.  An elementary pal, but not even a friend that I knew well.  Knowing that she remembered Austin and wanted him recognized in this way absolutely touched my heart. 

Looking for her in the crowd to show Tim, my eyes fell upon a butterfly. It was directly in front of me, though rows away.  I don't know who's cap it was but the fact that she sat within my view was enough.  My Austin was sending me one of many signs that night, letting me know he was there.  Hugging me from above.

My "Faithful Friday" scripture was focused on Joshua 1:9, and beginning Wednesday, it was prayerfully repeated and on my heart.  As the valedictorian began her speech, she quoted this same scripture.  Yet another hug.  The co-valedictorian mentioned Austin by name, as well as another classmate lost too soon.  I realized that night - this class of 2012 was bookended by student deaths.  My Austin their freshman year and Jake Baize their senior. 

Though my eyes were cloudy with tears and distracted from attempting to record Noah's walk across, I caught glimpses of students - Austin's best friends - standing in ovation for him.  All of this, in addition to the many texts, calls, hugs and outpouring of support from friends and family made this night more of a blessing than the painful milestone I expected.

And what is even more touching is that it didn't end on Friday. 

Saturday afternoon we received a call from our pastor's family, inviting us to their son's graduation party.  Not wanting Austin to be left out, they asked us to be a part of their celebration.  And they offered to release balloons in memory of him.  Though it was - and is - a gesture we will forever treasure, we declined.  Their son David, much like Austin in his kindness and selflessness, deserved this night to be for him. 

Instead we opted for some therapy on the water.  I'm always at peace when surrounded by nature.  It seemed the perfect afternoon to take the boat out to fish.  Perhaps, in a way, we were trying to escape, but we were again given so many signs of Austin.   Stopping for ice and snacks, I picked up a paper to read in the boat.  I was surprised to find that Austin's story was the focus of the newspaper coverage for our county.


Messenger-Inquirer, Saturday May 20, front pg Region

Sunday our plans were again shifted, with yet another tribute for Austin.  Our church was holding a graduation service and wanted Austin to be a part of it.  I had originialy considered skipping the service, fearful it would be too difficult.  But God showed us, as he had all weekend, that we didn't need to retreat, but to be surrounded by friends and family.  And our new family, EHBC, touched our hearts again by making a donation to our scholarship fund in Austin's memory.

It was a weekend for and about Austin. 

Three and half years later, he is still remembered, loved and treasured by those who knew him, and even by those who did not.  Such a tribute to the legacy Austin left. 

His precious life, though here only a brief 14 years, made an impact that will forever live on.  And we are so honored to be given the gift that was and will always be....Austin.

Faithful Friday: Never Alone

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged,

for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9

I'm praying this scripture for my youngest today. 

Noah's been through so much.  At only twelve, he's suffered too many trials and losses for his young life.  The most difficult has been the past three and half years in coping with the death of his big brother, Austin.

Through it all he's been amazingly strong, more than anything I think to protect Mom & Dad.  He puts on such a brave face but Momma sees the pain in his eyes.  Tonight though he will need tremendous strength and courage. 

Tonight, my baby will walk the graduation line to accept the diploma for his brother.

Our family has faced (and survived) so many moments through this journey that we didn't fathom being able to.  As I shared with him this week, while he was making the decision, it is only because of God we've had the strength needed for each point along the way. 

Worried whether he'de be strong enough to sit through the ceremony and walk across the stage, I reminded him that God is always with him.  And that He sends a peace we can't understand at just the right moments.  I shared that we'd be praying without ceasing in the stands - and I know many of you, my faithful readers - and friends - will join us in prayer.

I'm so proud of the young man he has become, taking every little bit of good of that was Austin and mixing it with his sweet, funny personality. 

Noah tried on the cap and gown on Thursday and sent me this picture.  I can tell from his loving smile that he's honored to be doing this for his "Bubba" - and I know without a doubt that Austin is beyond proud of  who he is and what he's doing tonight in memory of him.

Never would we have imagined this is how we'd spend Austin's high graduation.  Celebrating his memory instead of this milestone...

We're hugged though by the knowledge so many of his friends wanted Austin remembered and present in some way at graduation.  So many of them have reached out to me this week - with memories of Austin, showing airbrushed caps with his initials, offering to walk with Noah in the line.

And we're grateful Noah is able to share this moment with the classmates Austin so dearly loved.  Fitting that he himself graduated on Tuesday.  A 6th grade graduate, he'll move on to middle school next year.   No more a little beaver, he is now an Eagle. 

"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31

I'm the proud mom of two eagles now. 

One, just earning his wings and learning to fly.

And one....soaring with the angels.

Held

I feel the need to write, yet I'm not sure I have the words...  These past few days have been so emotionally saturated.  And even though tears have fallen, they haven't the way I'd expected.  In some ways I think I'm numb, but there's so much more.

Sunday was Mother's Day.  It isn't a day I look forward to anymore.  Mother's Day is overwhelmingly hard when you've lost a child.  With Austin, he was my first born, and so it was because of him I celebrated my first holiday.  It's impossible to face the day without being flooded with memories of him.

This was my fourth Mother's Day without him.  With all the emotions from the season, I expected it be a difficult day.  I began my morning in prayer, but during it - and throughout my day - I could feel the prayers from others.  I was held.

There is no explanation for what it feels like to be held in prayer.  It's happened so many times during this journey and each time I'm humbled, grateful and spiritually changed by it's power.  I know that it is because of those prayers, and most importantly, the strength and peace from God, that I've survived.

It's the only explanation I have for yesterday.  Given the circumstances, it was still a good day.  Part of me even felt guilty for the goodness that came.  Was it wrong for me to smile, laugh, and enjoy my day - without Austin here?  Though it hurt to reflect on it, I know that he would say yes.

We'd asked for prayer the night before in our Lifegroup meeting.  In our close circle of friends from church, Tim shared what we'd be facing this coming week.  Austin's graduation would've been this Friday night.  During the prayer, I felt lifted and I believe it is what helped to hold me into the next day.  We went to church at least, and that's a tremendous change from prior years.

I'd avoided Mother's Day in church since losing Austin because it was too much.  Too many painful memories.  Too hard to explain or apologize for falling tears on a day so many others were celebrating.  Too many reminders of moments and memories lost.  But we went yesterday and were blessed from it. 

The night before and morning of, we prayed for my niece, Tina.  This would be yet another Mother's Day without her Mom.  I worried for her, concerned for the pain she might feel.  I even secretly hoped Tim & Noah didn't make a big deal of the holiday in front of her, for fear she'd feel left out.  She surprised me with the sweetest note yesterday, thanking us for what we've done for her.  I was choked up reading it aloud to Tim, especially the ending of, "our love for each other will never end. nothing and no one can replace you, how I feel about you, and everything you have done! Thank you soo much I love you!! :)"  My worries were eased in that instant for her.

It's again just another example of the amazing power of prayer and how, just when we need it most, Providence arrives.  I find myself hoping this peace - and the sense of being held - continues for the week.  We'll need it in the days leading up to Austin's graduation and now, more than ever, Friday night.

I was caught a bit off guard this morning when receiving a call from the high school.  They wanted to recognize Austin in some way at graduation and wanted our family to be a part of it.  I'm still not sure how to process it all.  Regardless of how we choose to remember Austin, it is going to be a night of needed prayers.  And I'm clinging to the faith that through it all we'll remain held.

"Asking for prayer, isn't meant to burden others.

It's about letting others share the path you were never meant to walk alone."