Faithful Friday: Hopes Springs

If all obstacles and fears were removed from your life, what would you want to do?  What are you working towards that if you snapped your fingers and could fast forward, you'd be there?

I was asked questions like this earlier in the week.
Basically....what are your dreams?

Some of them I found more difficult to answer than others.

I remember a few months back being asked, "where do you see yourself in five years?" and I was again at a loss for words.

Life isn't at all how I planned it now.  Life... didn't ask my opinion in losing my son.
And so, when I think about it, some of my hopes and dreams for the future were paused.

If I'm honest, I am fearful.  I worry that hoping too much or dreaming too big won't happen.
Because I've had the rug pulled out from under my feet more times than I can count.

Instead, I try to just make the best of what life hands me.  Instead I live now for today.
I find joy in the moment because I know how precious they are.  I appreciate the little things because I once took them for granted.

Living this way, I don't believe, is a bad thing.  Loss has made me value life more.  But in pondering those questions, and listening to my preacher remind us how important hope was, that we all need something to dream of, wish for, pray to God about, I realize maybe I'm missing out on a piece.

If I fully believe and trust God, I have to go all in.  I'm still not sure what that means but I am prayerfully looking to the future.  My God promises to prosper me, to give me hope, and a future.  So, I still need to dream...even if my happy ever after ends up on the other side.

The Lord your God is in your midst,

    a mighty one who will save;

he will rejoice over you with gladness;

    he will quiet you by his love;

he will exult over you with loud singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

Faithful Friday: Butterfly Beginnings

Last weekend, my baby turned 14.  Aside from the joy of watching Noah growing taller and changing by the minute, this was a bittersweet birthday.  By this summer, he will have "outlived" his older brother.

That's a tough concept to process. 
And I was thankful to have the busyness of Noah's birthday to avoid it.  Mostly.

I know that by July, when Austin's birthday rolls around, it will be a whole new set of emotions.  My frantic-worried-protective-momma heart flutters at the thought of where we'll be, how we'll feel when Noah starts high school...wading through November...

Uncharted territory on this grief journey.

But for the weekend, I relished the time with Noah and his experiences.  Dinner at Red Lobster, a rare treat.  A basketball game with a 20 point win!  Fun at the shooting range with Dad and a shocking bulls-eye or two from Mom.  Sleepover with a friend.  A surprise family showing at church (two pews full!) followed by lunch at the house with chili and a yummy strawberry cake.  All in all, I think he enjoyed a weekend dedicated to all things Noah.

Saturday morning, before the ballgame, we dropped Tina off for a weekend retreat.  While a little sad she would miss Noah's birthday weekend, she was excited and ready for what was in store.  Tina had been selected to go on a Chrysalis walk.  Modeled after the Emmaus walk for adults, it is a little course in Christianity.  As she put it to her friends, a walk with Jesus.

Right away the butterfly symbolism spoke to me.  As we entered the doors to drop her luggage, I stopped to snap a photo.  A little hug from above on this weepy weekend...

I won't divulge much from her trip, as the walks are somewhat private and meant to keep it as an individual experience.  But we were overjoyed for her to have this opportunity and deep in prayer for her journey throughout the weekend.

Funny side note...When Tina explained this  trip to a group of her friends, one exclaimed, "They're going to make you walk non-stop for 3 whole days!?"

No around the clock walking (tee hee) but she did comment it was a pretty non-stop weekend.  She came home exhausted but filled with the Spirit on Monday night.  We're prayerful she holds true to what she knew before, what she's learned, and continue on the path God is leading her to.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

 “plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future." 

Jeremiah 29:11

As a parent it is so easy to worry.  To let this world saturate us.  To let fear creep in.  To stress about your children's futures.  I'm guilty of every single one of these.  Sometimes daily.

But when I feel doubt and uncertainties covering me, I hold tight to the promises I know to be true.  We're each assigned a certain number of days by God.  While that unknown can still bring a bit of anxiety, especially to someone who has lost a child, I know nothing surprises God. 

Above all, no matter what, I know where my children will be (and are) when they leave this earth. There is complete assurance in that truth.

^"but our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.  He will transform the body of our humble condition into the likeness of His glorious body, by the power that enables Him to subject everything to Himself."  Philippians 3:20-21