When Life Is...Life

Mercy, it's been a week and it is only Wednesday!

The start of my commute to work yesterday morning was a bit apprehensive, as we'd had another round of Winter.  For hours this weekend, I listened to ice hitting the windows.  We awoke Monday to a blinding white, crystallized snow.  Thankfully, our campus was like every school in the state of Kentucky and closed for the first day of the week.  Tuesday however, I needed to brave the weather and get back to work.

Just getting out my door was an event but, thanks to my hubby's loving and strong arms, I felt secure.  It was just as much a process to get inside the truck, as the doors were frozen shut.  Again, thanks to my DH and a trusty can of de-icer I was eventually set and on my way.

Our subdivision road was an icy mess and it is often how I judge the condition of others.  I know this isn't usually true, but to look out and see a plastic sheen across the road tends to discourage travel from this chicken little. 

For we live by faith, not by sight.  2 Corinthians 5:7

Though I try to live by this scripture in life, I so often find myself living by sight.  I see an icy road, therefore I believe the whole trip will be horrible and dangerous.   I braced myself for the worst, only to find mostly clear roads the whole drive. 

God reminded me on my commute to change the way I look at things. 

Not to judge at face value.  To remember there is usually more than meets the eye. 

And to not look ahead at life with worry, but instead to trust in Him.

Running just a few minutes behind, from the scrape-and-spray morning shuffle, the turn for my office was in sight.  I was almost home free.  And then... he hit me.

BAM!

I saw it coming the split second before it did, as I could see him cutting over into my lane to make a turn, with no regard for my presence.  Bracing, horn blaring, my willing it not to happen didn't pause or delay the end result.  Though I hoped for a different outcome, impact was inevitable. 

A morning changed.  Delayed.  Frustrations and inconveniences. 

In this case, every bit of planning and cautious driving didn't change things.  Icy weather didn't cause the wreck, just distracted driving.  Or rather, in the other driver not actually seeing what was right beside him!

Needless to say, it was bad enough to have had the wreck but the fact that he didn't even ask if I was ok and then made an inaccurate statement to what happened made for a very bad morning and day.



Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

This morning I set out, determined to make it a better day.  I got up earlier and was headed out the door un-rushed and ahead of schedule, thanks to the kids having yet another day off school.  Cautiously I stepped out the door on my own, careful to step around the ice and onto the freshly cleaned areas my husband prepped last night.  Easing into the car, I decided to check my own glove box for those pesky little cards. 

Much to my dismay I wasn't any more organized than Tim.  2013 was the most recent I could find.  At least mine were a year more recent than his, I mumbled. 

Knowing my luck, as I could just picture the irony of having some type of accident and being cited two days in a row, I decided to brave the slippery steps again and enter the house to print more cards.

A slow computer and several frustrating moments later, I exited the house with a freshly printed set, now in a rush to make the drive to work on time.  As careful as I was, my foot slipped and I went down anyway.

I'm destined to be covered in bruises.

Maybe it's my life's mission to have swollen lumpy knees.

Are you kidding me?!

It was a miserable trip down and an excruciating trip back up, as my injuries haven't fully recovered from my happy Valentine's spill.  Sobbing, soaking wet, and bleeding, I sat in my car and just broke.

Life is just unfair. 
I quit. 
Enough!

Most of my commute, I complained to God.  Cried.  Yelled even. 

Why were things so hard?  Why do I feel constantly defeated.  Knocked down again and again.

Sometimes literally.

I'm tired of being positive.  I don't want to look at the bright side.
And I certainly don't want to tell others how to find joy. 

(Insert major pity party)

And then God sings to me through my radio....

One million reasons why, you shouldn't even try.
After all you're just one heart, a single candle in the dark.
And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears,
That you don't have what it takes
- who are you to make a change?
But oh, oh, don't underestimate the God you follow.

Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

The city on a hill, it should be shining still.
Every sinner saved by grace, has a purpose, has a place
Inside the bigger plan, we might not understand.
But if we just keep walking on, we will see the Kingdom come, yeah.

Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

-Pushing Back, Josh Wilson

And I look at my bleeding and punctured hands from the steering wheel and remember how pierced His were for me.  How selfish and insignificant my little tantrum has just been.  All because life hasn't been sunshine and roses this week. 

But on this first day of the Holy Season, might I pause to reflect on the suffering Jesus endured. 

For me...

No matter the trials of this life....I have assurance in what eternity holds.

Knees bent,

no matter how bruised.

Faithful Friday: Butterfly Beginnings

Last weekend, my baby turned 14.  Aside from the joy of watching Noah growing taller and changing by the minute, this was a bittersweet birthday.  By this summer, he will have "outlived" his older brother.

That's a tough concept to process. 
And I was thankful to have the busyness of Noah's birthday to avoid it.  Mostly.

I know that by July, when Austin's birthday rolls around, it will be a whole new set of emotions.  My frantic-worried-protective-momma heart flutters at the thought of where we'll be, how we'll feel when Noah starts high school...wading through November...

Uncharted territory on this grief journey.

But for the weekend, I relished the time with Noah and his experiences.  Dinner at Red Lobster, a rare treat.  A basketball game with a 20 point win!  Fun at the shooting range with Dad and a shocking bulls-eye or two from Mom.  Sleepover with a friend.  A surprise family showing at church (two pews full!) followed by lunch at the house with chili and a yummy strawberry cake.  All in all, I think he enjoyed a weekend dedicated to all things Noah.

Saturday morning, before the ballgame, we dropped Tina off for a weekend retreat.  While a little sad she would miss Noah's birthday weekend, she was excited and ready for what was in store.  Tina had been selected to go on a Chrysalis walk.  Modeled after the Emmaus walk for adults, it is a little course in Christianity.  As she put it to her friends, a walk with Jesus.

Right away the butterfly symbolism spoke to me.  As we entered the doors to drop her luggage, I stopped to snap a photo.  A little hug from above on this weepy weekend...

I won't divulge much from her trip, as the walks are somewhat private and meant to keep it as an individual experience.  But we were overjoyed for her to have this opportunity and deep in prayer for her journey throughout the weekend.

Funny side note...When Tina explained this  trip to a group of her friends, one exclaimed, "They're going to make you walk non-stop for 3 whole days!?"

No around the clock walking (tee hee) but she did comment it was a pretty non-stop weekend.  She came home exhausted but filled with the Spirit on Monday night.  We're prayerful she holds true to what she knew before, what she's learned, and continue on the path God is leading her to.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,

 “plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future." 

Jeremiah 29:11

As a parent it is so easy to worry.  To let this world saturate us.  To let fear creep in.  To stress about your children's futures.  I'm guilty of every single one of these.  Sometimes daily.

But when I feel doubt and uncertainties covering me, I hold tight to the promises I know to be true.  We're each assigned a certain number of days by God.  While that unknown can still bring a bit of anxiety, especially to someone who has lost a child, I know nothing surprises God. 

Above all, no matter what, I know where my children will be (and are) when they leave this earth. There is complete assurance in that truth.

^"but our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ.  He will transform the body of our humble condition into the likeness of His glorious body, by the power that enables Him to subject everything to Himself."  Philippians 3:20-21

 

One Word 2014: Assured

While every year is filled with unknowns, 2014 is a fresh new chapter for my life.  Much like the calendar hanging on our pantry door, this year is full of blanks, yet to be decided.

I start a new job next Monday, after spending most of my adult life in the same career.  With so many years of knowing what to expect, I'm much like a nervous girl on the first day of school.  The humor here is that I'll be working at a local college. 

And while I enjoy change, there are uncertainties, which make this planner girl a bit apprehensive.  There's changes in budgets and insurance and everything I've grown accustomed to the past decade or so.  The unknown can be exciting, but it can also be nerve-racking.

Tim's year has started a bit unsure as well.  Being injured on Christmas day is surely not the way we'd planned to spend our holidays.  And we've quickly discovered it is about the worst possible time to need a doctor!  As of this point, nearly two weeks after, we still have no answers on his foot.  His doctor doesn't return from vacation until Monday and, with the approaching winter storm, we're looking a few more days before he knows his next step.

For now, his steps are still painful.  This morning his pain was about at the level of the initial injury.  Add to that his frustration with being still and not being able to do, help, or move around, has clouded his new year.  I know he'll be glad to just have clarity of what the future holds.

Don't we all wish for that?  As we approach a new year, don't we wish for a sneak peek of what it holds?  Or some assurance that the months to be hold promise, hope, and even joy?

If the year before was less than perfect, maybe we find ourselves hoping for a better 2014.  Stress free, no storms, sunshiny days.  Wouldn't that just be grand?

Last year, I chose to submit, and selected submission as my word for the year.  It's become clear the theme for this new year is to worry not.  Message after message, God is telling me loud and clear that He's got this and not worry about tomorrow.  Whatever is in store, no matter the storms (or sun), He's by my side.

Sounds easy, but even with all the life lessons I've endured, I still worry.  And I can almost imagine God shaking his head as he sends me another reminder.  This week alone, I've seen Luke 12:27-28 as a reminder to have faith.  And Psalm 31:3 to remember he is my rock and will guide me.  Or, Jeremiah 29:11, which I just happened to put on our family calendar for January. And today, another perfect reflection of keeping my eyes on him even in the midst of a storm.

Excerpt from "Whispers of Hope" by Beth Moore devotional -

Matthew 14:22-33 We can be smack in the center of God's will and still go through terrible storms. Christ loved his disciples with all his heart but still "made" them get into the boat when He knew a storm was coming. They were exactly where they were supposed to be and still experienced frightening turbulence.

Can you relate to the disciples? Have you experienced a time when you knew you where God wanted you to be, but the storms were overwhelming?

Christ calls us to walk by faith through our storms. It seems like a big requirement until we realize Christ does far more than that--He walks on water during our storms. God has placed all things under Christ's feet--including the waves that break relentlessly against us. .....We want Christ to hurry and calm the storm. He wants us to find him in the midst of it first.

Again and again, God is whispering - and sometimes even shouting to not worry about tomorrow...to rest assured.  And so it is only fitting that be my word to focus on this year be - Assurance.

 

Looking ahead to 2014 with assurance,

 in He who holds my future!