THANKS-giving comes

We lost Austin eight years ago, Thanksgiving weekend.  As such, November is a bittersweet time, filled with emotions and memories, some of which we'd rather forget.  Instead of focusing on the pain of the season though, we lean hard into the kindness and gratitude that comes with the turning of the calendar.

The year after he passed, I challenged myself to post something I was thankful for every single day of November.  As the days drew closer to the 29th, I questioned whether or not I would be able to post something positive when my heart was still shattered.  Once accomplished, it forever changed me; because it was proof that despite the circumstances life may send your way, there is always, always something to be grateful for.  

Aside from posting gratitude in each day, we also use this month to do Random Acts of Kindness in Austin's memory.  It has grown from doing it only on the 29th, to celebrating kindness all month, to truly having a heart for it all year.  

Noah shared with me a couple weeks ago that the past several times he's stopped into a local fast food joint, someone has paid it forward to him.  And while he admitted he sometimes gets surprised in the moment and forgets to continue the trend in that line, he makes sure to send anonymous kindness in other ways to keep it going.  Or sometimes he starts the movement.  I can't even begin to tell you how that made my heart swell.  

When we began doing RAKs, I was hesitant in including Noah, unsure if it would cause him more pain than good.  Instead, it helped bring healing to us all in a way I could've never imagined and became a family event we actually look forward to.  Helping others, bringing a smile to someone's face in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, is a far better way to spend that anniversary, than reliving the horror of losing our boy.

Austin had such a servant's heart, I can only imagine how happy it would make him to see us doing RAKs in his memory.  This time of year, he would already be asking to stock up on supplies so we could make treats for every person he knew - from mailman, to bus driver, to every school employee he came in contact with.  And the legacy he left behind for his friends is one that helped others.  A Christmas box remains wrapped in our living room, filled with notes from classmates who shared just that - how he made small differences with big impact every single day.

He's been on my mind a lot lately, probably the timing of the year, combined with the constant news of the World Series.  I haven't really watched baseball on tv, since he's been gone, but we have this season.  So many times, sitting on the edge of my seat, I could envision him pacing the floor, enthusiastically yelling, freaking out if we'd changed the channel, and celebrating the win.  How I miss that contagious smile and personality!

Losing a child is daily reality of how fragile life is, how much every day matters - what a gift it is, and hoping they are remembered in some way.  My prayer is that we make him proud this time of year - and always.

Grateful & Kind

Maybe it is because I'm getting older but time seems be passing so quickly lately.  I can sit and almost watch it slip away.  And no matter how much you will it to slow, there is no stopping the ticking of the clock or ending of another day.

It's already the middle of November.  

The busyness of the holidays will be among us and, before you know it, another year gone.  

Pausing to be thankful is how I spend this month.  Not just on Thanksgiving but every day of the month.  I started practicing this the year after losing my son.  It was impossible to imagine the holidays without him so this exercise helped me focus on the good that still remained.  I've continued doing it because truly it's how I try to live every single day.

Gratitude = Joy.  This I have learned.

This November has me standing on my head at times searching for joy.  In what is the most difficult of months for us, we've endured some extra heartache.  Watching those you love suffering is one of the deepest pains, especially when there's nothing you can do to fix it.

In the midst of it, I'm aware that Satan would love nothing more than for this girl to stop.  Cease sharing.  To end the finding of joy.  But that just makes me want to do it more.

Since I was a child, if you told me I couldn't achieve something, it just fueled me to prove you wrong.  Of course, in this case, I know there's a bigger power on my side.  And through Him, I can do all things...most especially find JOY!

Yesterday I hear it was World Kindness Day and then I see devastating news for Paris.  In a much bigger scale, it magnifies that sometimes there is nothing you can do in the chaos and pain, except keep moving forward.  PRAY.

And not stop.

Our annual RAK project is approaching.  I prefer focusing on the day of my son's death with a positive, because how else can you celebrate such an anniversary.  Instead of dwelling on something we can't change, we remember our son and the way he lived his life - helping others.  Doing random acts of kindness is a small way to keep his sweet spirit with us on the day we miss him most.

November 29, if you'd like to join us.  Although I encourage you to do a RAK whenever it feels right, whether in November, December - or even July!

Here are some of my favorite RAK moments from the past, if you'd like to read...

Hidden Shopping Spree

Free Drinks

Love in a Shoebox

Kindness Collected

Backpacks

Last year was the first year we received messages after our reverse shopping spree.  

Six years may have passed but I was having an especially rough weekend remembering.

These came at just the needed moments.  Hugs from above...

If you do a RAK in memory of Austin, we love hearing about them.  

Just add to the comments below.

Signs and Milestones

Yesterday was tough.  A bite your lip, distract yourself, get through the day kind of day.

It was busy at work, which was helpful in some ways, but a big piece of my heart and mind were elsewhere.  A day spent teetering on tears - misty on the way to work, praying throughout, and sobbing the moment I walked out the door and got into my car.

Driving home, I ended up at the cemetery.  Not a place I normally find comfort, but I needed somewhere to cry in peace.  And I knew I could do it beside my sweet boy.

July 8 would've been Austin's 21st birthday.

It was harder than I expected.  Not that any birthday, or holiday (or any day) is easy after losing a child.  But some of his birthdays have actually been unexpected blessings, like last year.

So, unlike the early years, I didn't schedule off and expected that I'd make it through ok.  In this walk with grief though, I've learned there is no time limit on the pain and you can never plan or expect, it takes you where it will, when it wants.

Sure, there were signs, as always.  More yellow butterflies than I could count, darting in and around my car wherever I went.  Many dancing around his grave.  My radio is never off and every time I got back in, whatever song was playing seemed to be a hello from above or a needed hug.

Still, I had a job to do, so I stored up and pushed away so much pain that by the end of the day exhaustion set in.  Tim saw it, felt it himself I'm sure, but stepped up last night and took over roles I normally fulfill.  He cooked us a small and simple dinner and went to get the kids from church.  We called it an early night and thanks to prayers of many, fell into a deep and restful sleep.

Yesterday, I think I grieved what I lost, what I never had, and where I would be at this point.  It was coming to terms with not having a child anymore and the realization that, if he were here, he wouldn't be a child anymore either.  I just didn't have the past seven years to watch him mature into the man he would be now.

Seeing his baby brother, Noah, towering over us, watching the days fly by on the calendar as he counts down to his own milestones, like driving, makes me want to push in the brakes even more.  I want to fully saturate myself in them - with him.  I don't want to miss a moment.  Maybe because I know how precious and unpromised they are.

And of course, just like his big brother, Noah has a heart of gold.  My gentle giant, I call him.  Dropping them off to church I ensured he had enough money for the snow cone, where youth were gathered.  He smiled and said, "21 and some change."  I knew what he was doing and prayers were sent up all the way home that he'd get a blessing from it.

Getting there early, as they prefer, he walked up to booth before the line wrapped the corner and "Paid it Fwd" for Austin.  $21 in memory of his 21st.  Noah waited an hour before he got in line, hoping that the fwd would last enough for most who'd arrived.  He was hugged from above to find out others had continued to pay it forward and his was also free.  This morning I received a sweet text from the owner saying it gave her chills and many were touched by the night.

Noah and I laughed later that it would've been just like Austin too.  Never one to like alcohol, he would've preferred to ring in his 21st with a giant snow cone to celebrate his big day.  Fitting the name of the place is Paradise, since we know that's where he is.

Here's one for you, Bub, swirled with lots of love.  

Linked with #DanceWithJesus

Faithful Friday: Thanksgiving Begins

Happy Thanksgiving!

No, not the turkey-laden national holiday...but true thanksgiving.
Being thankful for one's blessings.  For me, it is more than a day, as I choose to reflect on thanksgiving the entire month of November.  In all truth, I try to live every single day like this.

Webster defines thanks·giv·ing  [ thàngks gívving ]  as this:

• : a prayer that expresses thanks to God

I knew I liked that Webster guy...

So on this November 1st, I start my thankful journey and random acts of kindness done in memory of Austin.  If you're new to this blog, you can catch up here as to the "why" behind this project.

Want to JOYn in? 

You can start small.  Simply dedicate your social media to thanksgiving.  Each day post something you are thankful for.  30 days of thanks.

Stumped on what to choose?  Ann Voskamp does a beautiful job here.  She even takes it a step further and chooses three things a day.

Even more?  Add random acts of kindness.  Search my blog for ideas of things we've done in the past, or Pinterest.  Good stuff there.  You can do it in memory of our sweet boy, or someone you love, or just because.  Send us some extra hugs on November 29 by messaging me some of your acts.  It's how we choose to remember Austin and what helps us get through the anniversary of losing him.

For today, I'm thankful for...being thankful.  For being in a place where I can see the good within the bad.  For the healing time - and God - brings.  For the month of November, though laced with painful memories, and the opportunity it gives to pause in thanksgiving and to share the love of God with others.

What are you thankful for today?

Free Drinks

There was an urgency stirring within me this morning.  I felt a gentle push to complete some things I've had in planning for the acts of kindness we're doing in memory of Austin.  Tim and I have both been doing things secretly but I've not posted many of them because we truly wanted to remain anonymous.  I had more public ideas in mind though and needed to print things to share when we did them.

Today marks one week until his angel-versary.  It's not a date I look forward to, in fact my heart breaks a little more each year when the calendar turns and I realize it's been so long since I've seen my son.

If I let myself, I could easily shut down this time of year.  With every cheery holiday tune that comes across the radio, I face the reality of another season without Austin.  This year, next Tuesday, will be three years since he's passed.  Time doesn't heal this wound though, there are days I can be shocked right back to that horrific night and have to deal with those emotions all over again.  It's so very difficult, this journey of child loss, and I don't know that there's any right or wrong way to face it. Everyone grieves and heals differently.

The way I've chose to face it, most of the time, is to focus on the positive.  It's the way I know Austin would've wanted it.  Happiness is who he was.  That attitude is the inspiration behind this blog.  It's also the reason we started Acts of Kindness in memory of our son.  The first year it was private, last year I invited those who follow his blog and Facebook page.  This year, I've made it a month long challenge for myself and have encouraged other to join in, if even just for November 29th.  Today, for whatever reason, Austin told me people were thirsty.

The labels I created, so that perhaps someone finding them would be inspired to pay it forward, or read his blog to learn more about his life, came in useful today.  They were my glue for attaching quarters to random drink machines. 

Tim normally raids my change stash, as I throw coins from drive thrus or other locations in the door of the truck or the console, but I decided they had better use this time. 

Stopping whenever I saw a drink machine, I'd peel off a label, attach two quarters (or more if needed) and stick them above the money slot. 

I didn't stay long enough at any of them so I don't know people's reactions but I hope they lifted someone's spirits. Perhaps it was just the needed pick me up in another's day.  It's just a free drink but I have a feeling my boy is working through everything we do so I don't doubt that each and every one of them had a purpose.

Today I'm thankful for your sweet spirit encouraging me to do good.

I feel you pushing me and today through next week

will be filled with acts of kindness in your memory.

We love and miss you Austin!