Camp Connection

One of my favorite parts of travel is searching for the perfect spot and planning the trip.  For our mini fall break getaway, I had a wish list in finding our home away from home.  We wanted to camp but indoor plumbing was a must.  Since we had a small window of days, it needed to be realitively close so we didn't spend all our time driving.  Something near the water and promising views, since we enjoy being outdoors.  And my hope was to be tech free, though being more than a request to my guys was an added bonus.

In the end, we chose to rent a camper in Cumberland Falls, Kentucky.  It was a state park we haven't visited, even though I'd traveled near there for work a few years ago.  I knew from driving it before, the scenery would be amazing this time of year.

It did not disappoint.

We purposefully set the GPS to take us there via back roads and avoided the interstate as much as possible.  For me, in a road trip, getting there is half the fun.  I love spontaneous stops and finds along the way.  The photo above was actually called Haunted Cave Road, as peaceful as it seems.  Noah noticed it, and much to his surprise, I said, "Let's go down it!"

Through the curves and winding roads, we talked and laughed, while Noah took turns between being DJ and helping me drive.  Tim, ever the trooper, worked the night before we left so he napped in between raising up to view the scenery or see why we stopped.

Noah realized, as we entered Daniel Boone forest, the cell service became sketchy.  Luckily, his phone was pre-programmed with our route.  Truly, that and taking photos were the only thing we really used our phones for the entire trip.  I knew the camper didn't have a tv, which was fine by me, and my plan was to invoke our "no tech" rule we have on similar vacations.  Much to my delight, the area took care of that for me, as the only way you could get a signal was to turn your head just so and point your arm at an angle while walking uphill.  

Being disconnected from the world allowed us to connect more deeply with each other.  

In fact, apart from the scenery, my favorite memories of the trip are of the time we spent playing games, cooking over an open fire, and sitting around talking/laughing/telling stories.  When I replay this trip over in my mind, I smile over scenes of us at the table playing cards, singing along to classics on the camper radio, and enjoying amazing meals together with no outside distractions.  

We had so much fun in the camper, we plan to extend our next camping trip - wherever that may be.  Even my techy-phone always in his hand-teen enjoyed the time being unavailable and not receiving constant notifications.  All three of us decided we could easily handle a week of nothing but togetherness.  Not being instantly available is a peaceful freedom, circa 1996.

Of course, one of the special moments of our trip was our day spent visiting Cumberland Falls.  I've had this place in my "go to" folder for years, always trying to coordinate our breaks with the moonbow that happens there.  Even though we missed the moonbow by a matter of days, it did not diminish the astounding beauty of the place.

I could've stood for hours marveling at this landscape.

To get to this particular spot, took walking down several sections of steps, something I might have opted out of even a year ago.  With my knee injury, steps are not my friend, but I decided the memory worth any temporary pain that might come.  

Life is too short to sit on the sidelines.

Although I wasn't as adventurous as this duo, who had me randomly stopping at any rocky spot that seemed interesting throughout our trip.  Besides, somebody had to stay with the car and drive to a signal, provided a bear jump out - or an ankle twist!

However, they were pretty proud of how well ol' mom hung on the trip.  

I'm pretty proud too...

even if my hamstrings still feel those hills!

We packed a picnic for our visit to the falls but just happened upon our spot.  It was just up the road, nestled by the river that fed the waterfall.  With only one other family there, it made for a quiet and beautiful place to dine outdoors.  

As do all vacations, the end came before we were really ready.  But this area and the memories made will always hold a special place in my blessed and joyful heart.

When Life Is...Life

Mercy, it's been a week and it is only Wednesday!

The start of my commute to work yesterday morning was a bit apprehensive, as we'd had another round of Winter.  For hours this weekend, I listened to ice hitting the windows.  We awoke Monday to a blinding white, crystallized snow.  Thankfully, our campus was like every school in the state of Kentucky and closed for the first day of the week.  Tuesday however, I needed to brave the weather and get back to work.

Just getting out my door was an event but, thanks to my hubby's loving and strong arms, I felt secure.  It was just as much a process to get inside the truck, as the doors were frozen shut.  Again, thanks to my DH and a trusty can of de-icer I was eventually set and on my way.

Our subdivision road was an icy mess and it is often how I judge the condition of others.  I know this isn't usually true, but to look out and see a plastic sheen across the road tends to discourage travel from this chicken little. 

For we live by faith, not by sight.  2 Corinthians 5:7

Though I try to live by this scripture in life, I so often find myself living by sight.  I see an icy road, therefore I believe the whole trip will be horrible and dangerous.   I braced myself for the worst, only to find mostly clear roads the whole drive. 

God reminded me on my commute to change the way I look at things. 

Not to judge at face value.  To remember there is usually more than meets the eye. 

And to not look ahead at life with worry, but instead to trust in Him.

Running just a few minutes behind, from the scrape-and-spray morning shuffle, the turn for my office was in sight.  I was almost home free.  And then... he hit me.

BAM!

I saw it coming the split second before it did, as I could see him cutting over into my lane to make a turn, with no regard for my presence.  Bracing, horn blaring, my willing it not to happen didn't pause or delay the end result.  Though I hoped for a different outcome, impact was inevitable. 

A morning changed.  Delayed.  Frustrations and inconveniences. 

In this case, every bit of planning and cautious driving didn't change things.  Icy weather didn't cause the wreck, just distracted driving.  Or rather, in the other driver not actually seeing what was right beside him!

Needless to say, it was bad enough to have had the wreck but the fact that he didn't even ask if I was ok and then made an inaccurate statement to what happened made for a very bad morning and day.



Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

This morning I set out, determined to make it a better day.  I got up earlier and was headed out the door un-rushed and ahead of schedule, thanks to the kids having yet another day off school.  Cautiously I stepped out the door on my own, careful to step around the ice and onto the freshly cleaned areas my husband prepped last night.  Easing into the car, I decided to check my own glove box for those pesky little cards. 

Much to my dismay I wasn't any more organized than Tim.  2013 was the most recent I could find.  At least mine were a year more recent than his, I mumbled. 

Knowing my luck, as I could just picture the irony of having some type of accident and being cited two days in a row, I decided to brave the slippery steps again and enter the house to print more cards.

A slow computer and several frustrating moments later, I exited the house with a freshly printed set, now in a rush to make the drive to work on time.  As careful as I was, my foot slipped and I went down anyway.

I'm destined to be covered in bruises.

Maybe it's my life's mission to have swollen lumpy knees.

Are you kidding me?!

It was a miserable trip down and an excruciating trip back up, as my injuries haven't fully recovered from my happy Valentine's spill.  Sobbing, soaking wet, and bleeding, I sat in my car and just broke.

Life is just unfair. 
I quit. 
Enough!

Most of my commute, I complained to God.  Cried.  Yelled even. 

Why were things so hard?  Why do I feel constantly defeated.  Knocked down again and again.

Sometimes literally.

I'm tired of being positive.  I don't want to look at the bright side.
And I certainly don't want to tell others how to find joy. 

(Insert major pity party)

And then God sings to me through my radio....

One million reasons why, you shouldn't even try.
After all you're just one heart, a single candle in the dark.
And there are shadows here, feeding on your fears,
That you don't have what it takes
- who are you to make a change?
But oh, oh, don't underestimate the God you follow.

Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

The city on a hill, it should be shining still.
Every sinner saved by grace, has a purpose, has a place
Inside the bigger plan, we might not understand.
But if we just keep walking on, we will see the Kingdom come, yeah.

Whatever you do, just don't look back.
Oh somebody needs the light you have.
Whatever you do, just don't lose heart.
Keep on pushing back the dark,
Keep on pushing back the dark.

-Pushing Back, Josh Wilson

And I look at my bleeding and punctured hands from the steering wheel and remember how pierced His were for me.  How selfish and insignificant my little tantrum has just been.  All because life hasn't been sunshine and roses this week. 

But on this first day of the Holy Season, might I pause to reflect on the suffering Jesus endured. 

For me...

No matter the trials of this life....I have assurance in what eternity holds.

Knees bent,

no matter how bruised.

Joy in Pain

I was having a bit of a meltdown this morning.  We left the doctor with the news we'd feared, surgery was most likely our best option for Tim's back.  And much to hubby's dismay, he is off work indefinitely.

Although I left Tim in positive spirits as I headed to work, tears quickly found their way down my face.  So many worries and thoughts went through my head.  ...How long would Tim endure this pain?  Will we survive this financially?  Can my stir crazy husband stand numerous months of little activity?  So many concerns.
Yet on the way to work, God was speaking to me through the radio.  With every step I took down into depression, he lifted me up two more.  Once I arrived, this message found me:

God is never going to put us into a situation

or permit us to be in one without giving us the ability to be in it with joy.

It seems like a lifetime that this all began, yet it was only a week ago.  To those of you who are somewhat lost right now, I'll begin at the beginning...
By last Tuesday, Tim had been ill for over a week.  At first we just thought it was a typical stomach bug.  After five days of not keeping any solid food down, we feared it was more.  A trip to the doctor and an antibiotic later, we were told it was an infection due to diverticulitis.  But over the weekend he grew worse and after several days, intense back pain had joined the the party.

One moment I was fussing at him for going into work, the next he was unconscious on the floor. 
My life stopped. 

Heart racing in my throat, I made the call to 9-1-1, part of me remembering the terrible night four years ago I'd last called them.  Prayers never ceasing, I went through the motions of making Tim comfortable as possible, dressing, unlocking and opening doors and waiting....waiting for the ambulance.

Hours in the ER and several tests later, we were informed he'd be admitted.  Other than our motorcycle wreck all those years ago, Tim had never spent the night in the hospital.  I fought the tears as they wheeled him through the halls and was yet again grateful for my husband's joking  and joyful spirit. 

At some point, I went home for a quick shower, supplies and to check on the doggies.  Thankfully my sister had come hours earlier to get the kids and occupy them.  Getting back to him in record time, I arrived to find his doctor sitting at the foot of the bed.  Though there had been thorough testing, we still had no real answers.  His pain was fairly managed and a scope scheduled for morning.

The clock was a constant reminder to me of that night's obligations...VBS.  Why did I sign every one of us to help this week?  One person missing could be worked around.  Not four.  And especially when we each had specific roles.  But could I leave Tim?  Satan was certainly taking advantage of our situation.

Part of me wanted to crawl up in bed with him.  Part of me wanted to take him home.  All of me just prayerfully wished he was better.  Knowing I had none of those options, and that two kiddos needed me at home each night, I opted to move forward with Bible school.  Kissing him good-bye was difficult, but it helped to have the kids there, keeping me strong. 

VBS was a blessing in so many ways.  Every group that came in, was filled with happy kids and worried faces of teachers, wanting an update on Tim.  Hugs and pats on the back got me through, including the children's faces of surprise as we acted out the resurrection of Lazarus.  As soon as VBS was over though, tears fell.  I was thankful for the dark sky and tired kiddos because we all headed straight to bed, even though my husband's side was empty.  It was a long night.

The rest of the week was much of the same.  Groundhogs Day.  Little sleep.  Long days.  Late nights.  Tears, prayers and laughter.  Juggling work, church and squeezing in as much time with Tim as possible.  Grateful for a caring boss and flexible schedule.  Blessed with a church family who cares and prays.  Thankful for docs who let me hover and ask questions.  Honored to be a part of Bible school and the many, many God-filled moments it brought.

In the end, I realized what a blessing it was that Tim was hospitalized the entire week of VBS.  Had he not been, I would have been even more torn, not wanting to leave him alone.  At least there I knew he was monitored and cared for.  And at church we were seeing tiny movements, inspirations and rooms full of love that only children can bring.  By Thursday night, each of our leaders had counseled with a child.  Our three influences brought two recommitments and a salvation.  That was worth every long and stressful moment of working Bible school!

Decide not to spend your life miserable. God is alive and has a plan for you!

 By the weekend, Tim was back home.  Although I was happy to have him here, it hurt me to watch him in pain and not be able to change it.  Even an hour at church deemed too much Sunday and he paid for it that afternoon.  He tried to go back to work yesterday but didn't last thirty minutes, even on light duty.  Today brought us back to the doctor's office with the news we dreaded to hear but expected.

I don't know what our future holds and sometimes the stress of this seems overwhelming, yet I'm reminded again and again of God's presence.  Throughout the day, messages, as if written just for what I'm going through, have fallen my way.

Don't be discouraged.  Sometimes God answers us, sometimes he doesn't.  But he always there.

No matter the heartache.  No matter the uncertainty.  No matter the trials.  Knowing that he's always there is what keeps me filled with joy, even on the hardest of days.

Just Breathe....

I've noticed this week, and probably most of November, I've been more stressed than usual.  Little things I would normally overlook are getting the best of me.  Some days, I feel like the cartoon character who's head gets red and steamy until it pops. 

I've had a headache for well over a week, and although I haven't made it to the doctor, I'm self diagnosing it as stress.  This week, it has seemed that nothing has gone right, or at least the way I planned it.  I've juggled the yearly fun of electing my medical benefits and trying to predict the future to select my flex card amount.  My schedule has changed a billion times.  Yesterday, I drove over an hour one way for a meeting that the other party forgot about.  Noah felt puny last night and I tossed and turned all night, worrying about him.  This morning, I hoped for the best but his last minute run to the toilet decided that a sick day was necessary. 

And then today I watched the trash collectors literally toss my trash can in the MIDDLE of the street.  My driveway was less than a foot away from them yet they chose to leave it in the street.  The past few weeks, I've noticed upon coming home that my trash can was in the street or blocking my drive and wondered if the wind was blowing it out there.  Today I discovered that I've obviously somehow offended the garbage gods and they've decided to take out their frustrations on my can.  As I went outside and noticed that it was the only can in the street, I had the little cartoon-head explode-moment and realized I am seriously over stressed!

It's obvious why I am.  I know to expect added frustrations, short tempers, hurt feelings, sickness, and all that from myself and my family this time of year.  As we mark the days on the calendar, we prepare ourselves yet again to relive the traumatic night of losing our beautiful and precious boy.  Some days it truly is overwhelming.

It's when I realize that the trash guy is stealing my joy that I know it's got the best of me.  So what is there to do?  Well, I can say that mine is an extreme instance, but who doesn't have stress in their lives? 
I understand and know where my stress is coming from.  I recognize it and own it when I need to.  I cry when I need to.  I vent when I need to.  I get down on my knees and pray when I need to.  And, when I don't think I need to.

And, I search harder for joy.  I find extra special doses of happiness in the simplest things.  I do the things that comfort me, whether it be in an inspirational song or a familiar scripture.  I pause at a beautiful sky and feel the connection.  I relieve stress by dancing and get the added benefit of a workout.  I savor each sip of coffee and let it warm me inside and out.  I hold my family extra close and linger just a little bit longer with each kiss or hug.  I laugh, and when I find something that makes me laugh, I watch it again and again....and I share it with others to spread the joy.

Dancing Babies on GMA

Heavenly Skies

I don't think I had the appreciation for beautiful skies until after our wreck five years ago when I grew to love and notice them more.  I'm sure prior to that life changing event, I looked at pretty sunrises and sunsets, on occasion, but I didn't have the connection to them as I do now. 

I remember my first peek of sunshine in the hospital, after being moved to a regular room.  For well over a week, I'd been in darkness, surrounded by the lonely walls of ICU.  In addition, the scars and injuries to my face, prevented me from seeing well in those early days.  That first morning, feeling the sun's rays on my arm seemed to instantly boost my spirits.  Unfortunately, the view out of my hospital window wasn't great but I could see the evidence of the sun each day and it was enough at that time.

Several weeks later, we were finally home and thankful to be there.  Because I was still limited to a hospital bed, I'd been moved into the living room.  It wasn't the ideal location but it was our only choice, as our bedroom didn't have the space.  And although I felt a little exposed being in the center of our living room, it did allow me to stay close to family and friends when they visited. 

The sun woke me on my first morning back home, as the thin curtain over the patio doors couldn't contain the morning's light.  My family quickly worked to install blinds, hoping to provide comfort for me, but I began asking for them to remain open at night.  From my spot, I had a front row seat to the sunrise each day.  I still remember the first glorious one I witnessed from that hospital bed.  It was as if Heaven was sending me a special hello, as bursts of beautiful colors and light stretched across the sky and onto my bed.  I broke down in tears, so grateful for another day with my family.  That sunrise expressed everything I felt in being alive. 

Those amazing displays of God's beauty became my morning wake-up call.  Each morning and each sunrise was a blessed symbol of the gift of another day. They filled me with hope and led me to what began my daily morning devotions.  It just seemed natural to pray after seeing such magnificence.  I prayed with gratitude for the extra time I'd been given.  I prayed for the physical strength I knew would be required to get through the rest of the day.

From my bed, I had the luxury of not only seeing each day's exquisite sunrise, but also each evening's gorgeous sunset.  Much as it had began, I ended every day in prayer and gratitude.  As the warm colors hugged my soul in hues of orange, pink and yellow, I began to mentally list the special moments and milestones of the day.  The sunrise became a sign of promise and hope, and the sunset was a reminder of accomplishments and progress.

When I was physically able to move back to my bedroom, I promised myself not to lose my appreciation for the two most beautiful moments of each day. In sharing the beauty with Tim, he grew to love and notice them too. When I was able to wake early enough to catch a sunrise, I paused with thankfulness. Most evenings, on the drive home, I was able to witness the setting sun. Sometimes I pulled off the road so that I could soak up each of the last rays before sundown. And if either of us caught a view that was extraordinary, we'd call the other one and share in that moment.

Sadly, I was faced with breaking my promise when we lost Austin, nearly two years ago.  When our sweet boy made the journey to his heavenly home, it was at the tree line just beyond our backyard.  For months, I didn't think I could ever watch a sunrise again.  The sunny spot in my living room I once loved was now flooded with painful memories, as my eyes would catch the area where our lives forever changed.  At some point though I found the beauty again, as each beautiful sky, whether a rising sun or sunset, was visible proof of a little piece of Heaven.  Standing beneath such celestial skies, I'm reminded of the divine and majestic views Austin must see every moment.  I now feel that those glimpses of glory are God's way of showing us a sampling of what awaits us all. 

Joy through tears

Today I saw an old friend, who sadly is walking a grief journey too. We've known each other and been friends for years and I've been blessed to work with her through volunteer projects. Our relationship was recently changed and moved to another level though after she suffered a great loss.

I don't want to have friends that I share this in common with. It is a pain you wish on no one. Too see someone you know and love go through the same tragedy though is extra painful. People say, "I can't imagine"and it is so true. Until you've experienced, you do not know. As terrible as the reason is, you are now forever connected by this new bond.

This may seem like a strange way to begin a blog about joy but I've learned that true joy isn't really felt and understood until you've suffered. Maybe living through the pain I have throughout my life just makes me appreciate it a little more than most?

Anyway, what began as a quick hello turned into a mini therapy session for us both. We talked, we cried, we laughed, we hugged. You wouldn't think after a talk like that you'd think of the word joy but I did. I was thankful for seeing her today, no matter how painful it was in the beginning. It brought me joy that through our tears we could help each other heal.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33