Resurrected

 

Loving an addict is watching them die daily.
The holding of breath at every phone call.  Waiting for the shoe to fall.
Loving an addict is telling yourself this is the last time.
No more rescues, no more second chances.  Lost hope over and over.
 
Loving an addict is witnessing a slow-motion train wreck.
Fearing the end result will inevitably come 

and there is nothing you can do to change it.
Loving an addict is a million muttered prayers.
Help them to see.  Help them to stop.  Help them to choose life.
 
Loving an addict is loving someone who can’t love you back.
If only your love was enough. 

 If only they’d choose anything else over the pull.
Loving an addict is questioning your own sanity.
This time.  They truly seem different.  This time maybe they’ll stay sober.
 
Loving an addict is allowing yourself to be drowned.
They pull you down further, but you can’t rescue both under water, 

even though you try.
Loving an addict is hating their actions, choices, mistakes, and flaws.
Screaming internally, wishing they would wake up, 

would hear, would stop.
 
Loving an addict is never hearing truth, 

the lies circle and swallow everything they say.
Words, you learn, can hurt and bruise more than any other weapon.
Loving an addict is a toxic cycle. 
A never-ending rollercoaster of emotions, 

hopes, dreams, pain, and sorrow. 
Broken again and again.
 
Loving an addict means losing pieces of yourself.
Giving with nothing in return.  Wishing for what could have been.  

Or what could be.
Loving an addict is watching them die daily.
Grieving the loss of who they used to be 

and who’ve they become all together.
 
Until they are no more.

 I wrote this a year ago, grieving my sister and what I surely felt was her last days.  She had relapsed and was spiraling.  I'd driven her to rehab, only to learn she checked out a few days later.  Having already lost my brother and father to this disease, I was angry and scared.

When this showed up in my memories, I was preparing to go to a NARCAN training.  Sitting in the class this week, I began to think about my sister's transformation the past year.  

God has restored her life.

Most of my reading and devotions this season have been leading to the Resurrection.  

The Bible is full of stories of broken people, void of hope until they meet the only One who can restore them.  But sometimes, God says wait.

He could have raised Lazarus from the dead the moment his sisters sent word crying for help.  But there was purpose in the waiting.  

Waiting is hard.  We live in a world of instant gratification.  And so, it is natural to question when our prayers aren't answered immediately.

Usually our pleas to God are to "fix" current situations or problems, instead of praying for complete change and restoration.   

But He is a God of Resurrection.  He's in the business of miracles and transformation.

Prior to my sister's relapse, she was questioning her beliefs.  My heart broke when I read her words that she wasn't sure she still believed in God.  Or if she ever did at all.

Though it was painful to watch her slowly fading before my eyes, it would have been harder if she'd died not knowing the Lord.  And maybe that is why she was broken.  It took shattering her life, bringing her knees-bent, to see that God was the only answer for healing.  

Nothing in this world will ever fix our hurt, emptiness or pain.  It's all temporary.  The only restoration is in believing in the One who was Resurrected.  

My prayer for you this Easter - and beyond - is that you see the hope in Jesus.  

Whatever you are facing, no matter the struggles, He can help.  

He hears your cries.  You only need to ask and believe.

 

Unbroken

They say nobody goes through life unbroken. We all have our scars and storms weathered.  Some more than others but none of us leave unscathed.

There have been points in my life when I have been both physically and emotionally broken.    Moments that brought me to my knees.  I've had seasons of spiritual brokenness, where I questioned my faith or was betrayed by those entrusted with the gospel.  And we've certainly had our share of financial breaks, where we faced unemployment, income shifts and unsurmountable medical debt.

But despite what life and evil has brought our way, we are still standing.  The constant through it all is that God never left us.  Even in the seasons of doubt, anger, or deep grief.  

This week, leading up to Easter, one of my devotions spoke on unbroken bones.  (Ps 34:20)  

When you think about all the injuries and pain Christ endured on the cross, it is unbelievable that none of his bones were broken.  God spoke of this before it ever came to be.  

As we sit in the midst of Holy week, instead of focusing on the One who is ultimately in control -Whose hand holds the past, present and future...the world dwells on doom.  With the solar eclipse approaching, conspiracy theories and claims of destruction abound.  People are anxious and filled with worry with what may come. 

I've had periods of worry, some points of time that it nearly overtook me.  My husband sometimes jokes that he never has to worry because I do enough for both of us.  Being a planner, I like to think of it more as an assessment.  Working out all the details and possible outcomes with solutions.  But I've learned that worrying adds nothing good to the problem.  As I've grown older and longer in my faith, I've given more of my worries to God and found unexplainable peace in knowing He is ultimately in control.

Jesus suffered greatly this week.  Unimaginable torture and affliction.  But he was not fully broken.  

God promises that for us too.  No matter the trials and suffering of this life, He is with you.  This world cannot break us because it is not our home.  Whatever we face is temporary.  Hope and Heaven cannot be broken.

Divine Appointments

God has been nudging me since the first of the year to write again. While 2020 gave many people the extra time to develop a new hobby or hone a passion, I found myself focused on new grandbabies and family.  Though writing has been a constant in my life, that period of time until now would see me with my longest drought as an author.  Odd since the past four years have had plenty of material to draw inspiration!

New Years Eve, God prompted me to compile a collection of my devotions from this blog and share with friends.  "A 52 week Journey to JOY."  What I thought would be a handful of women interested, grew beyond my imagination.  I started writing out the names of the women on my calendar to pray for as each week began.  And soon, God would use that space tenfold to fill it with names. 

It was the boost I needed to pick back up the pen and share my God-given gift with others.  

A short while later, I discovered a writer's conference hosted by one of my most beloved and respected Christian authors, Liz Curtis Higgs.  The workshop filled quickly but I was blessed to be among the group of writers attending and counted the days eagerly until the event.

I am home now fresh from the conference and filled with every emotion in awe of how great our God truly is.  There is no doubt this event came in His perfect timing. Going, I hoped for inspiration, motivation, and possibly connections, but what I didn't expect was for this weekend to be a healing balm for my soul.

God used people to send me a smile, a hug, or an encouraging word I didn't even know I needed. I found myself often lifting up prayers of praise in the midst of the conference for how wonderful He is. But the "WOW God" moment is one of which I'm still in awe...

An introvert by nature, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and sat with different people every opportunity, wanting to meet and hear stories from other writers. Coming back to the gathering place for lunch, I almost passed up the table I'd last visited but something told me to sit again.  (I know now it was God)

We exchanged excitement and notes from the workshops. And then, one of the ladies, Tammy, commented about a new favorite author she'd discovered. When she mentioned her own child loss story, my momma-heart connected and I began to share as well.

We'd both lost sons.  

Both boys were nearly the same age.
Both 15 years ago...

To put two grieving mothers together, who were moments ago strangers, is God led. Then, to discover our boys were the same age and to hear they passed on the EXACT same date....but God.  It was a goosebump, tear-filled ending to an experience I will forever treasure.  November 29, 2008, will hold an extra special meaning now.

Tammy, Liz Curtis Higgs, and me

What a divine appointment, to meet the momma of the son who met Jesus the same day as mine!  How Great is our God!

Hug Somebody

We are huggers in my family. Always have been. Hugging is always the last thing we do when leaving each other after a visit.

 Not being able to hug (and visit) family regularly has been one of the hardest transitions of the stay-at-home order.  The last porch visit with my grandmaw seemed so foreign at the end when I got up to leave and felt all the space between us.

Both of my sons are known for their wonderful hugs. Their large frames and long arms wrap you like a warm blanket. They bring you in and you melt into their embrace. Neither were ever shy about giving hugs.  Probably because from the time they could walk that was taught instructions upon leaving family.

Austin was so known for his hugs it was part of his funeral service. And the pastor's last phrase was to go out and "hug somebody" for him.

Noah never outgrew giving hugs, even though his height surpassed me years ago. Even now, he still wants a hug before we leave or go to bed. That's something that I'm blessed to have, especially during this isolation.

 I have his and my husband's daily hug and kiss. My grandson's koala bear snuggles. But I feel for those who have been secluded for so many months without an embrace from someone they love.

 Having a background in childhood development, I know the value and importance of hugging your children daily. There is an immediate oxytocin boost upon a physical embrace. It changes their brain and improves the immune system. 

A hug literally creates happiness.

There's many more scientific reasons why a hug is beneficial to your health, both physically and mentally. And it seems ironic that during such a stressful time and the world the one simple thing we could do is forbidden and considered dangerous.

 While physical touch is not allowed for now there are so many other ways we could hug someone. Perhaps it is a phone call or a letter in the mail. A basket of supplies left on a doorstep. Ignoring a post and not leaving a hurtful opinion. Choosing to see the good in people. Spreading joy, not pain.  

Go out and "hug" somebody today. 

Borrow a cup of sugar?

When is the last time you borrowed something from your neighbor?  Growing up we always had family nearby so it was nothing to run up the hill to an aunt's or across the field to grandma's to get something we needed. We never really borrowed from neighbors that weren’t family though,  that I can recall.

My husband, on the other hand, has lent or borrowed things in our neighborhood many times.  We live in a Cul-de-sac with a friendly group of people who watch over each other's homes/kids but I can’t say that I’ve swapped many cups of sugar.

Even before the pandemic, my cousin and I often swap or borrow things we need.  Having her close by has been a blessing in many ways but probably more so These days. It helps to know that within walking distance there’s someone you can trust and count on.

Especially during this time, when going to the grocery store is an ordeal, we have found each other dropping off, sharing, or swapping things we need. Social distancing always practiced of course.

 I’ve noticed others doing it as well. My husband has bartered or traded for services a few times in the past several weeks. And when he mistakenly bought the wrong type of soil for my plants, a nearby friend and former teacher stated online she would buy it. Of course, when I had my son drop it off, I had no intentions of her doing so.  But she was prepared to pay in the form of homemade bread.

It reminds me of the old days when bartering and trading was a common form of currency. I wonder how it lost its value along the way.

Bartering became popular during the depression because of lack of money. It’s interesting that we are faced with nearly the same dilemma almost a century later.   While there are many things about the pandemic that are difficult or frightening this common courtesy I see as a welcome change.  And I for one will always except fresh baked bread, country eggs, or a good cup of coffee as currency anytime.

simple joys

For the most part, life still feels relatively the same here despite the pandemic.  Everyone in our house is considered essential so we are all working.  I've always been a homebody so I'm content going days without leaving the house.  

The biggest change is, of course, the uncertainty and fear of the unknown.  An increase in cleaning and sanitizing,  though with a baby in the house and regular flu season this was already practiced.   And not being able to get out as a family on the weekends or have date night. One of the hardest changes is not being able to see and hug family regularly.  

Yesterday,  we loaded up and had a day out.  I hadn't seen my grandma in weeks and needed to put eyes on her, even though we talk on the phone regularly. 

Thankfully it was a somewhat sunny day and enabled us to do an outdoor visit. Grandma bundled up in layers (not too different than she is inside) and sat on her deck, while we sat up lawn chairs in the yard. The 6 ft distancing posed a little difficulty, in that her vision is very low and hearing not much better. But we made the most of it.

We shared laughs and listened to her stories, often forgetting about the current state of the world. It was leaving time that reminded us, as we've never said goodbye without hugging. I threw virtual hugs and the baby blew kisses which still made her smile.

Afterward we grabbed a snack and drove to a nearby park to eat in the truck with the sunroof open. I remembered the squirrels were rather friendly there and figured everyone would enjoy watching them beg for fries. 

It was nice to just sit and be together with no real agenda or timeline. No to-do list or rush in the busyness of most Saturdays.

Being out in public -even distanced did bring a sense of normalcy again. Simple Joys we probably all took for granted before.  

Joy is possible

Over a decade ago, I started this blog in the hope of finding joy again. Feeling anything good because darkness surrounded me.

Losing my oldest son so unexpectedly ripped away any sign of joy in my life for a time.

Instead, I lived in a constant state of fear and grief.  Fear for my surviving son, as an unknown virus took his brother without warning. And grief, I learned quickly,  comes in all stages at once and backwards, not a perfect timeline as the list might indicate.

I yearned for normalcy. For the life we knew and loved. Even the hard days and the simple things we took for granted.

Instead, I was locked into a rollercoaster nightmare beyond my control. I couldn't sleep but when I did flashes of that night took over me. I lived my days on auto pilot but was very much in a state of shock.

The world is in a state of shock right now. Life as we all know it has been turned upside down. In the midst of a pandemic most of us are also dealing with everyday trials. And in addition to that the added stress and load that comes with unexpected change.

 Trouble didn't stop because of covid-19; in fact, it just inflated it.

If you were already dealing with marital issues, sickness, financial instability, or any number of things the pandemic has likely only increased it. And new stressors no one could have ever imagined like school and home offices existing in the same tiny spaces, or the sudden loss of multiple incomes in a family unit, or struggling  with food and personal care shortages.

Joy in the midst of all of this could seem almost laughable to some. Unfathomable to many.  Impossible to most.

But it is possible. What I learned in my grief journey is that joy is a choice. It is making the effort everyday to find even one glimmer of hope in the midst of darkness. It is opening yourself up the possibilities you never knew before. To learn that joy and sadness can coexist.  It doesn't happen overnight and some days are more of a struggle than others. But Joy can become a habit. It can become so common that you no longer have to search for it, it finds you.

 In an effort to bring a bit of good news and a source of hope in a world that is drowning I am going to start writing here again to share simple joys I find in every day. My prayer is that it helps you in some small way.

 I'm not sure how often I'll share but I will make an effort to do so regularly.  If it isn't enough for you feel free to browse the over a decade of material on the side bar.
Life is certainly different than when I wrote  before.  Currently I'm dictating this post from my phone so forgive the many errors.

Joyfully yours...

Should I Stay or Should I Go

Let's see if I can write this post without typing out the lyrics to the song that's in my head from The Clash!  Or if you can read it without the song on repeat in yours...

Anyway, Happy New Year!

NYE 2018 dinner & dance getaway 

In doing my year-end retrospect, I realized I've neglected this little blog the past couple of months.  As such, it's caused me to reflect on whether or not I should continue posting in 2019.

This blog was a much-needed outlet for me after losing my son.  Starting with a memorial blog for him, I found myself awake in the middle of the night and set on a mission to find joy again.  Austin's blog was raw, in the moment, and I shared any emotion felt during those early days of child loss, even if it worried my family and regular readers. 

Starting Joyfulchallenge, with determination and direction from God, to seek, find and share the joy in every day guided me to the next chapters of grief.  Writing held me accountable, despite my sorrow.  And this blog has helped me more than I could've imagined.

Over the years, I've met others on loss journeys of their own or those who just needed an extra dose of joy.  Blessing after blessing, I could list.  I never dreamt of connecting with people all over the world nor did I expect what I wrote to touch or help others.  In the beginning, it was just how I chose to heal.  In the end, it was those connections and having a purpose to help others that did so.

As with anyone, over time I grew and changed and so did the blog.  It's literally a timeline view of my walk through child loss and other life events the past eight years! Along the way, I picked up writing for an online grief magazine, Still Standing, which is dedicated to helping those who face child loss.  My dream was to someday be a published writer, I just never fathomed it would be on this topic.

And now, I'm currently writing for a local online magazine, the OC Monitor.  There I share monthly stories of life in a small town and the continued pursuit of joy.

I guess I share these links with you to have other ways to read my work, should I decide not to continue writing here.  For those of you who have been with me all along, I have no words.  To tune in year after year and share a part of my life has meant so much.  Your continued support and encouragement were hugs to my broken heart.  For those who are new, linger around.  There's almost a decade of material here to peruse!  Use the search bar or favorite links.  It is guaranteed to fill you with a dose or two of JOY.

And may your year be ever-filled with it...

Our biggest JOY in 2019 will be in the arrival of our first grandchild - a BOY!

A boy...and they plan to name him AUSTIN!

Invested, Year End

The past several years I've focused on a #oneword instead of a resolution.  This time of year, I like to reflect back and see how I did, recap the highlights of months gone by, and celebrate the turning of new adventures.

INVESTED was the one word for 2018.

My goal was to be invested...

in my Relationships

-with God, my marriage, motherhood, family, and friendships

*A funny family post and a first for some.

*May days, busy but full of family

*We celebrated our 25th anniversary

In my Health

-this year sparked a change and I want to see it to fruition

*An unexpected diagnosis threatened to alter my health goals but instead it fueled me farther 

and Tim joined in too!

*practicing self-care with a staycation

In my Passions

-dreams can no longer be dusty from sitting unrealized

*I took time to capture the beauty of a winter storm, 

by going against my comfort zone and getting out on the roads.  It was so worth it!  

*A few steps closer to my goal of writing a book, I began writing for a local online magazine this year.  

In my Priorities

-does it make a difference? bring me joy and Him glory?

*Continued focus on finding JOY

*checking a big health goal off my bucket list

In my Future

-and remember investments sometimes take years to reap rewards

*completing an education goal

*unexpected blessings in career and family

In Service to Others
-if I'm deeply invested in each day, help me notice those with the greatest needs

*Making a new-to-me batch of elderberry syrup has found it in the hands of others who are ill

*Driving my Grandma to get her ears pierced

*Hosting a family Bible study

Less Projects, More Focus

Less Tech, More Personal

Less Scattered, More Strategic

Infuse, Devote, Provide, Endow, Plunge, Entrust

INVESTED

2018

Reflecting back, I can say I accomplished this #oneword better than expected.  I'm proud of the positive changes made in my life and the strengthened relationships formed.  I give all the glory to God, for without Him I would achieve nothing!

Not sure if I'll have a #oneword for 2019 or what it will be.  

I do know after a solid year of health focused on nutrition, I am ready to take it to the next stage.  I'm holding myself accountable to stick with a workout plan next year!  

This "grandma-to-be" has a new generation to get younger for.  :)

I hope your year was memorable and full of JOY and if it wasn't, 

I wish you many blessings in the New Year!

Clinging to Christmas

Signs of Christmas seemed to pop up overnight on November 1st. 

The Great Pumpkin must have swooped in and collected all the fall decor because as the sun rose, orange was out and green was in.  Driving to and from work, I counted multiple homes with Christmas trees aglow.  And the number is rising every day.

It's a bit of debate.  People are either pro-early Christmas or against not giving Thanksgiving the spotlight.  Much like politics, we are a country divided. 

Personally, it doesn't bother me.  We are a decorate Thanksgiving weekend family mostly because it became a tradition years ago with our kids.  But also because we use a real tree and it can't survive an extra month of display.  I'm completely at peace with the mingling of the two seasons because gratitude and Christmas are perfect partners.

I tend to find sadness in how quickly people tear down Christmas.  With one swipe, the litter of wrapping paper and any sign of the holiday is cleared.  For me, the week after Christmas is my favorite.  The hustle and bustle is gone, schedules slow and I can still myself in the glitter and glow of the tree.

A quiet house with only the lights of the Christmas tree is beautifully calming for the soul. 

That stillness helps me to pause and reflect on the true meaning of this season.  To sit in gratitude of the many blessings, as I think back on the past eleven months and look forward to new year.

I believe that is why many are so eager to put up their tree and decorate.  There is a magical air in this season because Christmas symbolizes love, the birth of a promise and Hope for our future.  No matter the division or chaos of this earth, Christmas reminds us there is more.  The sparkle, childlike anticipation and warmth of the season is but a glimpse of the wonder we will experience in eternity.

And that is most certainly worth clinging to...every month of the year!

Blessings Abound

In a month filled with painful memories, November can be difficult for our family to face.  For many years, just turning the page on the calendar brought forth tears and anxieties, as we relived the painful night of losing our son all over again. 

We've learned to face the month in gratitude instead of grief.  

Focusing on what Austin was known and loved for, his kind heart, encouraged us to do random acts of kindness and a RAK movement was born.  For the past decade, RAKs have grown from one day to an entire month focused on sharing kindness.  And from more than just our small family but to friends and even strangers helping others and remembering a life cut short by tragedy.

Our RAK project this November has been to produce yard signs in hopes of canvasing our county with the message of sharing kindness.  The money raised will go to local charities.

As I turned the calendar tonight, noticing the scripture and special dates, I had to pause in pure thanksgiving of the many blessings God has given us recently.  This November seems a turning point of many positive changes for our family.  Changes we have prayed fervently for and, in His timing, will take place this month.

Tim and I both start new careers this month. 

For the past few years, Tim's health has suffered and we've spent many sleepless nights without answers as to why.  While I stood in prayer and belief that God would lead us in the right direction, in the meantime we did what we could to improve our well-being.  Both of us have transformed and are in better shape than we've been for some time!

This summer, God led us to a doctor who has provided excellent care and solutions to the many symptoms from which Tim was suffering.  Complications from our wreck became the common denominator in his issues and, while there is no cure for what he's facing, we have managed to minimize and reduce them with his help. 

Then news came for an opportunity for Tim to have a new career which allowed more flexibility, better hours, less physical demands, and to leave third shift.  This girl is giddy to have him back home at night!  The only downside was losing medical...

Enter my job offer.  Just two weeks after Tim begins his.

With every twist and turn, each mountain and valley, God has seen us through beyond our expectations and has provided in ways we never imagined.

Neither of us saw a career change at this point in our lives.  When we turned the calendar last January, we knew this would be a milestone year, but expected to prepare for becoming empty nesters.  Settling into expected routines.

Instead, we are facing the new year with different and exciting paths and... the surprise added blessing of becoming grandparents! 

In fact, this month, we may well know if Baby Blair will be a boy or a girl.

God is good.  All the time...

In His Timing

The past two weeks we've hosted a Bible study at our home.

If you told me several years ago our extended family would all be in church together, much less doing a study, I might have chuckled.  While I would say most have always been believers, in some form or fashion, church attendance was just not something everyone did.

But God can work out even the most unlikely situations for His good.

My paternal grandfather was a preacher so he was my faith foundation.  As a child, we went to church when visiting them.  After we were married and Austin was born, Tim and I discussed raising our children in church and how it was a value for us both.  We sporadically went for them, growing a little with each passing year. There were seasons we were regulars and others where life got in the way.

Ironically, it wasn't until after losing our oldest church became not just a habit but our lifeline.

We've watched our pew outgrow room and most Sundays now there are three to four rows of family together.  When approached by our pastor to host an upcoming Bible Study, we eagerly accepted.  And seeing the sign-up sheet after the first day, it was clear God had a plan for who He wanted there.  Our entire roster was and is family.

At first, I was uncertain if this was the best idea.  (This is where I think I'm smarter than God...)
But wouldn't each of us grow better if we were spread out among other groups?  Didn't we need to be stretched outside our comfort zone?  And what I quickly learned is that for many attending, this was already out for them. 

I forget not everyone is on the same path in their Christian walk.  Some are just starting out, some lost in the weeds, some climbing mountains and some further along.  How soon I forgot how uncomfortable we were at our first Bible studies or small groups.  Though it seems routine now, God is using us to help guide and encourage others. 

What a better blessing is there to do it among double family - family by blood and by the blood of Christ!  Though we are only a few weeks in, we've already seen God moving and working among the group.  I'm joyfully expectant at how He will continue to do so through this process and the days to come. 

Healthy Inside-Out

After a year of dedicated focus on completely revamping my health top to bottom, inside out, I decided to share some of my tips learned along the way through live videos.

Much to my surprise, they received quite a response and it kept me motivated to do a series of ten videos...two months of healthy habits!

Not all of my blog readers are my "Facebook friend" so I wanted to share some of them with you.  These links will work whether you are a Facebooker or not.

Immune Support - who doesn't need that this time of year?!

Stress Relief - how to create a self-care kit

Removing toxins - cleaning your home naturally

Top 10 Tips - all the best wrapped up in one video

And of course, no series would be complete without...

How to find JOY in every day!

All videos are public so you can easily search out the other five, if you're so inclined.

Aside from my voice making my skin crawl and the funny faces Facebook decides to freeze frame, I think it is a pretty dandy collection. 

Going outside my comfort zone was worth it to help even one person take charge of their health.  You are worth it!

What's the best health tip you can share?  Or where do you struggle?  I love to hear from my readers.

Have a fabulous fall weekend!

Self-Care Staycation

Other than Christmas break, when our company is closed, I haven't taken a week's vacation since 2013.  We've had a few mini trips and long weekends here and there but my last extended retreat was our beach trip as a family.  Five years ago.

When looking at the number of days I had available and realizing how long it has been since I've had a week's rest, I opted to take a staycation this week.

Spontaneous.  Last minute.  No plans or schedules.  Ten Whole Days Off!

I'm almost always off on Fridays, so actually, I guess my "vacation" has come to an end; however, I am most certainly still in a staycation state of mind.  And will be that way until Monday!

After having something to do, somewhere to go, or somewhat of a last-minute agenda every day so far, today was operation lazy PJ day.  And I thoroughly enjoyed it from my first cup of chocolate chai to Netflix binging and cuddling our new kitty to being completely ok with being non-productive an entire day.

In fact, if I've had any purpose at all for this past week, it has been to practice self-care.  In the moment, listening to what I want or need, and doing just that.  Or nothing at all.

So far...

I've jumped out of my comfort zone and into a dress celebrating the success I've had 

with changing my health for the better.  

AFTER I returned home,
I realized my tag was on my chest.  #backwardfail

Picked up more pumpkins and mums just because they make me smile.

Captured sweet moments at my little sister's wedding.

Held an impromptu sleepover with my nieces and nephew.

Napped whenever I wanted.

Kidnapped mom and took her on our annual "Nut Club Food Fest" adventure.

Enjoyed coffee & chai on the deck.

Self-improvement and continued learning.

Soaking up family time and everyday moments of JOY.

My staycation didn't include spas, sand or exotic locations but I wouldn't trade it for the world.  

And this girl is making it a point to take more "Me" days in my future. Because I'm worth it!

Never Stop Learning

My 40s have been a joyous place.  There is contentment in my soul but also this longing to be and do.  I'm happy with who I am but have an awareness I can accomplish and learn more.

Fears and worries have been replaced with a hunger and willingness to try new things.  Perhaps the awareness that I'm getting older spurs this on.  Maybe it is the knowledge from four decades prior.  Whatever it is, I adore these fabulous 40s.  And I've only just begun!

This weekend I checked two more items off my bucket list.  One has been a dream for some time, the other something I didn't even know I wanted but was glad for the experience.

When I started college, I was newly married and had a baby on my hip.  While it was a goal I was determined to conquer, it was slightly adjusted.  Having these lovely responsibilities meant I needed to join the workforce sooner than later.  As such, I opted for a smaller degree that opened doors for me to begin my career while attending school.  Looking back, I'm not sure how I handled those hours or demands with a new family but I did.  And though my Associate's is not esteemed, or even looked at as an achievement by some, I am proud of it - and myself. 

But I've always longed to go back.  Life, work and other excuses have seemed to intervene over the years pushing the dream further away.  This summer, I was given an opportunity to test the waters, so to speak.  Through a community grant, I enrolled in an online program for Virtual Assistants.  Years ago I enjoyed working from home and thought the skill set might be nice for the future.  Thursday I picked up my diploma.  Being completely online, it helped me gauge juggling coursework and life.  I learned my brain doesn't test as it did in my teens and twenties!  But I'm pleased with my overall completion. 

Saturday I spent the day on a soggy farm with my sweetie driving, of all things, a tractor. 

When he texted me the night before asking if I wanted to work, I sent a reply verifying he was talking to his wife.  Sometimes he texts me when he intends to message Noah, or vice versa.  And this sounded more like a Noah job.  Though at the time I wasn't sure what I'd be doing, I said yes.  It is his birthday weekend and no matter what we do, I enjoy time with him.

Waking early in the morning, he tells me to dress in clothes I don't care about and to plan on getting wet.  Though I love the outdoors, I am not a fan of getting dirty.  Or heavy physical labor.  So, I went into the day with a few doubts and maybe even some negativity. 

After learning I'd be driving a tractor, I laughed.  Maybe out loud. 

This girl may have grown up on a farm but a cowgirl, I am not!  I wasn't even sure I could get up onto a tractor, much less know how to operate it.  My hubby, ever my fan and cheerleader, reminds me I was one of the best pump operators he knew (back in my brief ventures with firefighting) so I decided to give it a try.  He promised it was the easiest job of the day.

It was a bit scary at first, especially when I had to navigate inside a house or make u-turns in wet ditches but I'm so glad I tried!  Though it wasn't exactly how I envisioned we'd spend our Saturday, it was memorable and fun. 

What's on your list to learn?  

Blue Bridge Bucket List

I've often admired runners.  I'm not sure if the fascination came post or pre-wreck but since my injury, watching runners or even avid walkers is something I sometimes envy.

In your twenties, one never imagines themselves in a wheelchair.  But I was.  And due to extensive damage to my leg, I had to learn to walk again.  I still vividly recall the progression of healing.  Moving from hospital bed to wheelchair...to walker, to cane...and then a limp that never really seemed to leave, despite physical therapy. 

Though it seemed forever and the days were long, it was only months spent confined.  Yet, it was enough to be grateful daily for the freedoms many of us take for granted physically. 

The first time I was able to drag myself to the car and into the driver's seat, I sobbed.  That simple act, something I'd done hundreds of times before without a thought took so much effort. 

Steps were my nemesis.  Still are.  Going down is more difficult than up, which may seem odd to someone who has never suffered from knee issues.  But when flexibility and range of motion are altered a downward step isn't done with the ease it once was. 

Though only one leg was injured in the crash both feel the pains, as the stronger took on the weight of both and quickly became worn.  Exercise, though an activity I used to enjoy, isn't easy.  My legs will usually tire out long before my drive and determination do. 

For a few years, I simply gave up when it came to walking (or my health).  Sitting on the sidelines, though not where I wanted to be, was where I could be found. 

Last fall, during a camping trip with my family, I surprised them by suggesting a hike.  Wanting to see Cumberland Falls, I had my mind set on navigating steps, regardless of the pain it might cause.  To everyone's surprise, I did much better than expected, mostly due to getting a jump on weight loss a few months prior. 

Since then, I've noticed my stride and speed improving.  My posture more erect and confident.  It's amazing how much your bones appreciate not carrying around extra baggage!

Saturday would see another check on my bucket list by walking across the blue bridge during its annual closure. 


Though I didn't participate in the 5k (next year goals!)  I did make it across and back in one piece. 

excited & ready to tackle the bridge!

Yes, my legs burned and my hiney wasn't happy that night but it actually felt good to have that type of pain.  Instead of pain from inflammation, fluid retention and injury, it was discomfort from muscles being worked.  And I can brag I walked across a river and two states!  ;)

Hot. Tired.  Proud & Happy.

It was a highlight joyful moment from a busy, blessed weekend.  But I couldn't have done it without strength from God, a total focus on my health, and a super-supportive spouse.

A Week of September

September marks the beginning of my favorite time of year.  As if on cue with the flipping of a calendar, the landscape changes.  Leaves are turning...pops of Autumn hues show up in fields and forests...and the weather softens, just a bit.

We're a week into September and I've been blessed with many joys already.

Tim and I lingered on the first day of the month, enjoying coffee on our deck.  (Well, actually, I had tea as I'm on a chai kick right now.)  But the rain clouds held off long enough for us to sit outside, listening to church bells in the distance.  Such a simple morning but one of my favorite ways to start the day.

Saturday evening, we met up with our son and his girlfriend for a double date.  It isn't often all our schedules coordinate and it was nice to spend time with them.  We have twenty-plus years on their relationship but watching the two lovebirds whisper and holds hands in the booth reminded us of our early days together.

Labor Day wasn't anything traditional but somehow ours never are.  Tim had to work so I visited my Grandma, Aunt, and family.  If you have grandparents still living, I hope you treasure them as much as I do.

Mine is 89 and spunky as ever.  She wanted to spend the day getting her ears pierced so that is just what we did.

Decades ago, her first piercing was done by her sister with a potato.  I'm not sure if she had a professional one down the line but a few months ago she accidentally pulled and tore the lobe in her sleep.  That alone sounds painful enough to me but ever the example of strength, she never flinched during the procedure.  The biggest struggle was getting her to accept the price inflation!  It took some coupon and finagling but she was happy in the end.

Of course, I'm biased but isn't she the cutest?

Driving her around reminded me of the reverse as a child.  I spent many hours in that passenger seat with her.  No matter the chair, some of my best talks and lessons in life have come sitting beside my Grandma.  

Today I ran errands, preparing for a great joy tomorrow.  I've been asked to attend our local farmer's market as they celebrate Kentucky authors.  To be listed in that category humbles me.  Rain again threatens but no clouds will dampen the happiness I have in being a part of this event.

If you're here tomorrow as a result of that booth, welcome.  Grab a cup of tea, or whatever you fancy, get comfy in your chair, and sit a spell.  I promise browsing around will bring you joy. 

Here's to the rest of September...

Purple Elixir

Every Saturday morning, without fail, we visit the Farmers Market.  While I wish I had the time to garden and produce my own fruits and vegetables, I believe this is the next best thing.

I love the atmosphere, the smiles on the vendors' faces and the variety of samplings we find.  Today was extra joyful because of a box of super powerful berries I spied and snatched right up with a smile.

For the past few years, I've read about the benefits of elderberries.  Last year, I considered ordering some syrup online but because I wasn't sure of the ingredients and if it was watered down, I passed.  Learning that one of my favorite vendors would have some today set me off on a mission.

Though I have never done it, I was determined to create elderberry syrup as an added way to boost our immune system this fall and winter. 

From the Medical Medium:  Elderberries contain special proteins and bioflavonoids that have the ability to destroy viruses on contact that infect cells in the body. Elderberries are also known to have the ability to significantly enhance immune function by boosting the production of cytokines in the body. In addition, they are very beneficial for bronchial and respiratory problems and can help loosen and expel congestion in the lungs.   Elderberry syrup is also rich in vitamin C and a wealth of other critical vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, and many other nutrients.  Plain and simple, our ancestors knew best.

Canning has always been on my bucket list of things to learn to do.  Today, I got close and definitely spent the afternoon being productive for our health. 

Searching recipes online, I knew I needed local honey and much to my dismay that vendor did not set up at today's market.  But thanks to Facebook and some sweet friends, it was a matter of minutes before I located several other choices.

Home from the market, Tim and I sat down and began to pluck teeny berries off the bundles of branches from the box.  This was not a quick process but as my fingers turned purple and our colanders began to fill, I was prayerfully thankful to have this bounty and work to do today. 

The empty bushes were just as pretty, as the once green limbs were naturally dyed a brilliant violet hue.  I truly pondered keeping them, drying the stems out, and using in a wreath but wasn't sure how they held up.  Maybe next year...

From the box, I yielded about 8 cups of berries, which were then washed and put on the stove to boil.  About an hour later, using a cheesecloth, I strained them into a bowl ready for the final steps.  Once cool, I added raw honey and essential oils, lemon, and cinnamon, which all have antioxidant support.

Now, I have a beautiful tie-dyed cloth, several jars of goodness and the pride in knowing I've accomplished something worthwhile for my family. 

Have you ever made or tried elderberry syrup?  I'm fascinated with natural options to support our health and the power that food has to heal.  God put every little thing on this earth to help us if we only take the time to learn and listen.

Grateful.  Blessed.  And tinted purple.