Thursday, December 30, 2010

Finding Joy

As 2010 winds to a close, I pause to think back over this year and I wonder what the next will hold.  I'm not one for looking too far into the future, as I know how quickly this life can leave us.  Instead, I face each day with the gift that it is and hope for the most out of it.  I try to live each day so that when I bow my head as I go to bed, I can present the gift back to God and hopefully show him something good that came from it.

"Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile,
but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy."

Starting another year, also leads me to remember back to 2009, our first year without Austin.  Looking back through my notes, I read again what I wrote about it; and from the beginning, you can sense the worry and pain I feared would meet us that year.

I've never started a year with this much uncertainty, fear and sadness. To know that I'll face an entire year without my son by my side tears me to the core. The only thing that keeps me going is God, Noah, and honoring Austin's memory....Who knew life could change so fast? In an instant, my simple, ordinary, blessed life would turn upside-down.

Thinking back to that note, rekindles all those painful memories of those first few grief-stricken months but it also shows me how far we've come.  There were many points in 2009, and even days in 2010, that I've felt uncertain.  That I've feared for our family's wellness.  That I've been overcome with complete sadness.  But how true it was and has been that what kept me grounded first and foremost was God, helped along with a daily dose of Noah, and working to keep Austin's memory alive is how I find myself here, two years later.

I'm proud of where we are now, though far from the end of this grief journey, because I know that Austin would be proud - and is - of how we've coped.  I truly don't think this path ever ends though, when faced with child loss.  We just face life with a different perspective.  We look at mountains and know that no obstacle is greater than what we've already experienced.  We appreciate the simple, joyful moments of life for what they are.  We are grateful when joy greets us unexpectedly but we also seek it out, knowing those moments are what fills us and helps us face the next day. 

"What you thought before has led to every choice you have made,
and this adds up to you at this moment. If you want to change who you are
 physically, mentally, and spiritually, you will have to change what you think."

Wishes for a blessed New Year to each of you filled with God, family, and joy!


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